(Closed) Raised Christian, coerscion into Catholic wedding (long-ish)

posted 5 years ago in Christian
Post # 2
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Honestly, that’s a really tough situation and I think you two need to have a sit-down with a priest.  Your FI’s ideas of what will and won’t be allowed don’t sound too correct to me (practicing, believing Catholic), and with the JOP wedding and your reservations about the Church, there are some significant issues.  Really, though, this is so mixed up that all I can recommend is talking to a priest so you know what the requirements are and what is expected if you are going down the Catholic marriage road.  Facts are the only way to get rid of the what-if’s you’re drowning in.

Regarding his parents, most believing, fully practicing Catholics will not attend a wedding where their attendance would show implicit support of a person’s leaving the Church.  Now, this is a pretty gray area, because since your Fiance hasn’t been practicing for a while, it’s not the wedding that made him leave so going to the wedding isn’t really condoning his leaving since the wedding had nothing to do with it (if I understand right).  Again, a priest is going to give the best answer.  Really, though, it doesn’t sounds like your in-laws understand how it works either, so y’all really need to talk to someone in charge.  The Catholic Church does recognize some marriages between Catholics and non-baptized persons; it’s called a “natural marriage,” and while we believe it is not endowed with the same graces (spiritual helps) as a sacramental marriage, it is still a loving and valid marriage in the eyes of God.

This website is a great resource: http://www.catholic.com/quickquestions/are-non-catholic-marriages-valid-in-the-eyes-of-the-catholic-church-what-if-a-catholi

Post # 3
Member
2257 posts
Buzzing bee

I just came in here to chime in that Catholics ARE Christians.

Post # 5
Member
11469 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’m not a catholic, and I really understand your reaction to the implied judgment of your faith and marriage. No matter what anyone says, a faith that dictates that a parent turn their back in thier child’s wedding if it doesn’t honor their faith strikes me the wrong way. Love and tolerance? Not so much.

I agree with PP that you need facts, but you need them from both sides, if you will. The catholic church isn’t the authority on your wedding. They are the authority in his mother’s faith. 

The real issue here is his mom’s control versus how your husband really feels about his relationship to the Catholic Church. If he has a strong relationship to the church, that needs to be dealt with now as it impacts a lot of your future (kids, etc). If he’s letting his mom control him through guilt, that’s another issue. 

I would feel pretty ticked off if I were you, esp having moved countries with what I thought was a clear understanding of my position.

what a mess bee. 🙁 wishing you the best.

Post # 7
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

My husband and I were married catholic. He is catholic, I am Protestant (went to HA, baptized in a river, read the kjv kind of thing). Being married catholic was something that- although not super comfortable with- I agreed to do because it was important to my husband. You can still get married catholic even if you are not. You can even have a pastor speak and choose readings also found in both versions of the Bible (catholic and Protestant bibles are a little different). Just try to remember that it’s all the same God and that you and your husband need to make this decision as a couple defining the religious parameters of their marriage. good luck!!

Post # 8
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee

laceyecross:  just from the perspective of the church, his parents don’t see it as valid because the church won’t… Because he is a baptized Catholic, he’s bound by Canon Law to be married in the church (that is by a priest with two witnesses) even if you aren’t Catholic, as opposed to two people who weren’t baptized Catholic and as such, aren’t bound by Canon Law.

 

I would talk to a priest about getting a dispensation… It IS possible for a Catholic to validly marry in an Evangelical Church, so long as they ask for permission first… I know it seems like a lot of “rules” and “loopholes”, but a dispensation REALLY isn’t difficult to get, and it could make his family happy. With a dispensation, you can get married outdoors and still be validly married in the eyes of the church! Win-win! 

**i just finished reading the original post… It sounds like your FIs family doesn’t understand the Church teaching on marriage. I would sit down with a priest, ask for a dispensation, and have him talk to your in-laws as well. Also, I really hope this doesn’t make you think horribly of Catholics! I promise we aren’t bad! And what your Inlaws are putting you through isn’t a fair representation… If you have any other questions, feel free to PM me! 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  vericari.
Post # 9
Member
390 posts
Helper bee

Again to clarify to other posters who appear to be unfamiliar with the Catholic Church, it is not the Church or even a particular priest in this case that is telling the OP and her fiancé that his parents must “turn their back” on him or not attend the wedding if it is not a church ceremony, it is his parents themselves.  The Catholic Church now has various processes for recognizing a marriage between a Catholic and a non-Catholic Christian, or even a Catholic and a non-Christian.  To have a “Catholic” wedding, it is still encouraged to have the full mass or a “liturgy outside of mass” wedding, but there is no discussion of mandatory conversion or participation of the non-Catholic party in certain parts of the service.

 

Post # 11
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee

laceyecross:  I’m about as conservative Catholic as they come, and I think your Inlaws are off their rockers. I can understand how they would PREFER you to have a catholic wedding, or if they wouldn’t come because you weren’t willing to get a dispensation (because it would be invalid) or if you were just being terrible about it all… but you seem like you’re trying to do it right! Im really sorry they’re being like that..  Have you tried to have a priest talk to them? 

Post # 13
Member
834 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm

 

justwondering2015:  YEP! That’s all I came to say too!

Post # 14
Member
390 posts
Helper bee

laceyecross:  I’m sorry his parents are being so difficult.  I truly believe that everyone should have the type of marriage ceremony that they personally find meaningful, whether it be a “traditional” ceremony in a house of worship or something more secular or spiritual that they have crafted themselves.  If you are so personally uncomfortable with the idea of a Catholic ceremony and your fiancé does not find himself agreeing with the Church’s beliefs anymore either, than I don’t think it would be a positive experience for either of you to attempt to get married in the Church.  Repeatedly during our wedding prep process with our priest, my fiancé (who isn’t Catholic but was raised in another Christian denomination) and myself have had to affirm that we would raise any future children that we were to have in the Catholic faith.  Additionally, I would think that if either of you spoke honestly to a priest about your doubts about Catholic teachings, he would (hopefully kindly and respectfully) tell you that a Catholic wedding is probably not the best fit for you.  If your wedding is not until July 2016, I think you both fortunately have time to deal with his parents and allow them to adjust to the idea.  If he doesn’t have any other siblings or cousins who have had non-Catholic weddings, it might be more difficult, but I think your fiancé has to unfortunately stand up to his parents and talk to them separately from you (so that this doesn’t just get blamed on you) about his own feelings on the church and why it’s no longer a good fit for him.  

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