Raised Differently

posted 2 weeks ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 1996

Bee, I disagree that this is just “your issue”.  Your husband is part of your family now, and you are part of your husband’s family.

If I were in your shoes, instead of fuming quietly about this, I would directly ask my mother-in-law (in a kind, respectful way) why you are not treated as part of her family since that’s what you are now.  I would mention a couple of the examples that you have given here.  I would be honest about the fact that I feel hurt about being excluded.  She is going to be your mother-in-law for a long time, and why suffer in silence?  I believe things like this should be openly discussed.

Post # 3
Member
545 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@reginaphilange569:  My Mother-In-Law shoots me a text on my bday, for my husbands bday she does a gift and will try to arrange dinner with us. My mom is the same way- no grand gestures for my husband but she’ll always get me a gift and try to plan a get together.

Personally I think you’re expecting too much and I wouldn’t assume that they don’t consider you family just because of this. 

Maybe she texts you to ask about your husband becaue she’s trying to make conversation with you and isn’t sure what else to chat about? Because why else wouldnt she just ask her own son how his own doctor appointment went? 

It doesn’t sound at all like she dislikes you, if I were you I would not confront her and cause issues out of nothing. 

Communicate with your husband and let him know how you feel, see what he thinks. I just think it would be so awkward for you or him to tell her that you don’t like what she texts you about and you wish they made bigger efforts or your bday or whatever else.

Post # 4
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2022

I feel like there could be a pass on birthdays since it could be habit. I don’t expect my in-laws to remember my bday. honestly, the only person that really remembers is only my mother and she forgot this year (but I dont mind). but she shouldn’t treat you like a secretary – you are not your husband’s minder. I’ve been told by fellow friends they usually reply back with, I asked ‘husband’ and he’ll let you know or oh, I’m not sure, why don’t you ask him?

As for bringing back souvenirs, is it pretty obvious it’s for him? Like a shirt? Or more like food item/decorative? your husband should be the one to bring it up to his parents and could start with thank you for OUR gift, ‘wife’ will love this very much. this could also be the segway into HIM helping them plan something for your birthday rather than expecting they will do something on their own – helps build a new habit 

Post # 5
Member
1499 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

OP, I think you’re expecting too much.  Some people don’t care to get close to their in-laws beyond polite conversation for a lot of good reasons.

Your family embraces your husband and that’s great. There’s no requirement for his parents to embrace you as their daughter, just that they respect you as their daughter in law.

I do have to ask- how often are you reaching out to the in-laws to invite them to things on your own? How often do you call to have a conversation about your MIL’s interests? Do you have things to talk about with her? Do you share hobbies? If you’d like to develop a warmer relationship/ friendship, this is not all on them.

Post # 6
Member
8395 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’d only be annoyed at her texting you to ask questions about your husband. If my Mother-In-Law did that I’d definitely bring it up somehow, like ‘if you want to know about your son you could just ask him yourself? How’s that quilt for nephew coming along?’ 
But being upset bc parents buy their kids bigger presents than you is a bit silly. She gave birth to them and raised them, they’re her kids, you just happened to marry one. Not really something to be upset about imo.

Post # 8
Member
545 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@reginaphilange569:  I think it’s pretty normal, a lot of families that I know are like this. I also know a lot of families that are like yours and I can understand how it may be off putting to you since you’re not used to how they function as a family/in laws.

Next time she texts you and asks something about your husband, I’d probably say something polite like “You know I’m not really sure, we havent had a chance to talk about it yet, I’m sure he’d appreciate it if you reached out to him about it though” and then try to direct the conversation elsewhere and see what happens.

Your in laws might just not be the type for small chat or maybe they don’t really enjoy having long text convos… I know my Mother-In-Law doesn’t, and I personally don’t either.

 

Post # 10
Member
7761 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

This is definitely normal family differences, IMO. My ILs have never acknowledged my birthday; it never occurred to me that they would. My mum sends Dh a card on his birthday, but that’s the way she is; it doesn’t mean they’re wrong for not doing the same. I think it’s weird that it bothers you. 

As for calling to ask about Dh, I agree that I’d politely tell her that we hadn’t had a chance to discuss it, but that I’m sure he’d be delighted to hear from her himself. 

Post # 12
Member
13655 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I feel like this is something your husband should be addressing head on with his family. I think it’s pretty standard to expect to be treated like family after you are married. If they do things differently, now is the time for H to let them know it’s no longer acceptable to him. He ought to have your back and if it comes to it, let his parent know that if they can’t treat you equally, then he wants nothing from them, either. 

Post # 13
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
@reginaphilange569:  Tbh I’m genuinely surprised that a fair few replies find this normal. To me it’s quite strange and I don’t know anyone’s family in laws who act this way. Of course they will always love their own children more than you, but imo spouses are always to be treated as part of the family – I mean, you may be raising their grandchildren fgs!

I would understand if this is the case if your husbands relationship with his own mother is extremely strained or kept cordial but not warm because of issues they have. But if they get along well this would seem like very strange behaviour by her to me and honestly I would be asking him wth was going on? Cos to me, if they get along but shut you out, that’s weird as hell.

Id definitely feel very put out by this too want an explanation.

Post # 14
Member
906 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

You’re not their child. 

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