(Closed) Random thoughts from a former Waiting Bee – why DO some guys take so long?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Sometimes they want to get other things in order, sometimes they want to have that “gut feeling” that it’s the right time, and sometimes they’re just worn down and do it.

Post # 4
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

My SO and I are going on our 6 year anniversary .. and I am def one of those people that says it will happen when it happens and that is because that is how I truly feel. We both know it is going to happen we just wanted to be financially stable and have buy a home first. We wouldnt have made a mortgage commitment together if we werent planning to spend (at least) the next 20 years together haha

To be honest I would much rather be in the financial position we are in now and not be engaged then be renting like some of my engaged friends who are getting a line of credit out for their wedding.. Obviously that is not the case for all or maybe not even most but , that would have been us .. either a wedding or a nice down payment and we chose the latter.

 

 

Post # 5
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

We’ve been together almost 6.5 years and it’s finally time for him to be proposing and for us, this is why it’s taken so long:

We met at 19 and he’s my first and only official boyfriend, I’m his second girlfriend.  Since we met in college, he definitely wasn’t proposing then, and he of course had some doubts since I had never officially dated before him.  Then, he went straight to grad school for 3 years, I waited 1 year and then went for 3 as well.  Proposing in grad school was off because he was relying on money his parents had saved for him for education, so he didn’t have any money of his own – but no student loan debt!  Then, he had a rough first job and is now settled in something much better and almost 26.  So, everything on Men’s Magical Mystical Checklist is falling into place for him.  It also helps that he’s had some roommates and other people screw him over so much so that he’s concluded the only person he can trust is me.  Also, the first 2/3 of our relationship, a lot of it was him emotionally supporting me; I haven’t had the chance to show him my emotional support of him until this past 2 years.  I think once he’s seen how much of a rock I can be, he decided he needed to get me a rock, hardy har har!

Post # 6
Member
1735 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

In my case, even a gentle push rebounds. I’ve learned over the years to pretty much let Boyfriend or Best Friend fail if need be, because it was the only way he’d ever learn something’s. Otherwise, I’d simply be a mom replacement, not what I wanted. Because we started dating at 19, and startlingly similar to Lauren, he’s been my only Boyfriend or Best Friend ever, and I’m his 3rd Girlfriend, but first serious one, we both felt taking it slow was fine. I don’t come from a great family, so I knew there were plenty of red flags early on. Since were both the exact same age, when I was ‘ready’ at about 28 to now, he was still in ‘I’m too young guy mode’.

I know that everyone else moving forward is subtly encouraging him, I’m just tired of being the girl ‘punched in the gut’ when another friend announces happy news.

My guiding him has to be very gentle. I don’t want to get married because of coercion I DO want him to have an Ah Ha moment and realize it’s what he wants without reservations. Letting him see that our guy friends aren’t miserable married is one of my best hopes. I’ll just have to be happy with it happening when it happens, and try not to feel so bad about being last.

Post # 7
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I third @Isilme: and @LaurenK0105: since we’ve been together since we were 20 and were each other’s first GF/BF. We’re coming up on 7 years this summer and it’s about time a proposal finally happened. Things are at a place where financially he could propose and he recently said he would be able to save up some money and a proposal will happen this year. I know it won’t happen untilt he end of the year so i’m still very antsy about it but knowing it’s finally going to happen is great. I think we just so young when we started dating so that has played a big part of waiting so long to get engaged. If we had been a few years older when we started dating, I don’t think it would take as long.

Post # 8
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

For what it’s worth in my relationship I was the person not ready to get engaged or be married, it actually took me almost seven years to decide I was ready to be married.

It wasn’t my husband or the thought of marriage that was holding me back, it was that I just wasn’t ready to take that step in my life. 

Getting married is a big step and for some of us it just takes a while to be ready, it doesn’t mean that there’s any less commitment or any less love.

And once we did get engaged we were married within nine months and we’re hoing to be knocked up by our first anniversary!

Post # 9
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I don’t have any insight really as to why some men take.. forever. My Fiance and I have been together almost 10 years. While we are ‘engaged’ that was only 2 years ago. Now for the wedding… That, is now taking forever. I just don’t get it. My closet friend got engaged last summer after 2 years, set a date and will be married this September!?? What gives?

I am not sure what it is, but I do think some men get too comfortable. Most of them need a push.. but a push is just not my style. I want him to get to that place, entirely on his own. But it sucks waiting forever.. It is really hard watching other couples move on at a ‘normal’ pace… and then there is us.. getting older and staying in limbo. Boo us! Haha!

Post # 10
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

My Fiance took 5.5 years to propose. He’s been in law school the past 3 years. He didn’t like the idea of getting engaged while he was still a student. Where would he even get the money to buy a ring??

My Maid/Matron of Honor and her husband got married on their 10 year dating anniversary. They started dating as freshmen in college. He took 9 years to propose because he wanted to make sure they were financially stable enough to have their perfect wedding and honeymoon. He also bought her the ring of her dreams!!

I really think guys like to have at least some ducks in a row before making a big life change like getting married. I assume, in today’s economy, the financial responsibility of getting engaged/married weighs heavily on many people’s minds.

Post # 11
Member
569 posts
Busy bee

because they’re not 100% sure.

Post # 12
Member
2309 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

This is something I don’t get either, but mainly because it doesn’t apply to my relationship. From the get go we were always open  about moving forward and marriage was something we both equally value as an important spiritual and personal step in our lives.

My best friend on the other hand, has been with her bf nine years this year, and the topic of marriage is still basically maybe not unmentioned but a recipe for an agruement. I don’t understand this at all. It hurts that I don’t really sense she’s very interested in my wedding, but I could sympathize and understand.

It took me a while to understand the dynamics of every relationship is different. The most important thing for Fiance and I is that we are on the same page on every major issue of life. If I thought we weren’t rest assured that we would be sitting down every night having the same conversation until we could get to a point where we are both happy with the decisions we are making as a couple. In my mind that’s the essence of partnership. What I’ve noticed with my friend is that she knows he’s not ready for marriage right now, and she doesn’t want to rock the boat too much. I think she just knows in her heart that at the end of the day through thick and thin she just wants to be with this man, and I can respect that.

Post # 13
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Agree with above – about not being 100% sure. How long does it take it to realize you want to spend your life with someone? 5-7 years is way too much! within a year or two one already knows. It is true that if one is too young and wants to finish school, etc. it may take longer to get married. But, DECIDING you want to marry someone and get engaged doesn’t have to take that long!!!  You can be engaged and going to school, why not announce your intention to marry someone i.e. by getting engaged – and set a wedding date in a few years when you finish school, or whenever other things you need to finish up? What annoys me, and I don’t want to offend anyone, but I feel strongly about it, is the women who let this happen – by making it so comfortable for the guy that he sees no need to make it official, he just enjoys a comfortable life style for many years, giving BS excuses like – i need to save up money for a ring, etc. while, she is waiting and does everything possible to try to please him, hoping a proposal comes soon, and eventually starts to resent him. For example, living together without an intention of getting married – way too comfortable, why would he propose to someone when he is already basically married without the obligations that come with marriage. However, for religious and cultural reasons, I do not live with my Fiance (will do so when we are married)… I know old fashioned.

In my personal experience, with my Fiance, he knew right away he wanted to marry me – i.e. within a few months of dating, and proposed after 9 months, it was just right – he was sure. However, we are at a point in our lives when we are stable and ready (late 20’s). Anyways just my personal opinions and I know its a little harsh, didn’t mean to offend anyone.

Post # 14
Member
1735 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I’m not offended, and in a perfect world I think everyone would try to follow a simple relationship path like the one you outlined. But, I know in my case, my family and life itself had a lit if curves to throw at me, making ggat pretty impossible. Also, I think a lot of men these days have gotten a bit of a pass at growing up before hitting their late 20s, meaning they can still have 18 year old life plans in their mid 20s, which usually do not include getting married anytime soon.

Believe me, and all other longterm waiters, we all wish a simple nudge was all that’s needed to make it happen, or for our BFs to need no nudge at all, but in today’s world, that’s just not really the case mist if the time, it seems. Marriage has become something less than desirable in our culture, often until children are wanted. I prefer the old fashioned ideals myself, but as I stated, events made them incongruous with my life. So I’m waiting off Boyfriend or Best Friend to pretty much join me in being ready, he’s been stunted by his family and society, and us naturally a slow developer in this aspect if life.

Post # 15
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

@Natdawn-I agree with this:

Most of them need a push.. but a push is just not my style. I want him to get to that place, entirely on his own.

I’m not pushy and I’ll never force something. Besides, my man won’t do it just b/c I push him…it’ll backfire.lol

Post # 16
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@maggierose: I agree with you. I think it just comes down to different relationships though. I am def not one of those girls that will wait years for a proposal or marriage and my SO knows this. However I have a couple friends who are waiting for a ring and have expressed how unhappy they are about it to me but won’t dare pressure him or give the guy a push.

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