Post # 1
I messaged H’s birth mother a few weeks ago asking what was new with her and let her know that the birth father does not talk to my husband any more. She never responded.
A few years ago we had met her (H met her before I did when he turned 18) and he worked really hard to get out of the identity crisis that happened when his birth parents showed up unannounced into his life and wreaked a lot of anger and jealousy from his adoptive family. Now the birth parents won’t even talk to him…it’s been almost 2 years I think.
We had been visiting his birth mother and she visited us too and stayed the night. Fast forward a few months, we stopped hearing from her completely. But she stalked my husband’s linked in profile recently.
I just found out (Google) that she was arrested 2 years ago for marijuana possession. But now she has her own company and seems fine, I don’t get why she can’t spare a thought for the son that she claims she has thought about every day since she had to give him up. She’s also a big anti-adoption activist and has a presence on the web, but she toned it down after H asked her to.
H had been visiting his birth father too, until he and his wife divorced. Now he feels that it’s awkward to just visit his half siblings since his father isn’t around anymore. I know he cares about them, but I think he has a hard time figuring out if he wants to do something because he thinks it’s the right thing, or doing something because he wants to…or maybe it’s a little bit of both. I talked to his father’s ex-wife about them visiting us next time they’re in our area, but idn if I should actually try to make it happen or not. I know my husband cares a lot about his little sister, as they have had a lot of the same troubles growing up.
H does not understand why I tried to reach out to his birth mother. I’m not entirely sure, but I get worried that she will contact him out of nowhere and that he’ll spiral again and get very depressed like the last time. H recently told me that he is convinced that his birth mother illegally gave him up for adoption. She claimed that she did not know that his father was Native American, as it is illegal to adopt Native American babies. He feels like he was robbed of another possible life and culture… She also did not give the father a choice in the matter. The paternal grandmother claims she would have gladly raised H, but that the family was threatened by bio mom’s father and mother, who are lawyers and govt officials.
Post # 3
@tmsing: It sounds like a sticky situation… What is your husbands relationship like with his adoptive parents? It’s a shame his birth mother broke off contact but it might be for the best by the sound of your post. Maybe you can talk to your husband again about keeping in touch with his half-siblings? It might be helpful for them to have a male presence in their lives. Plus, your husband could find out more about his heritage via them? Are they in touch with their parternal familiy? Like the parternal grandmother you have mentioned…
Post # 4
I’m so sorry, it sounds like a mess :(. Hopefully, for his own sanity, his birth mom stays away until she’s able to treat him kindly.
If I were in your shoes, I would try to spend more time with his adoptive parents, and let them know how much they mean to him.
I know it’s hard to ignore the birth mom, though — my husband’s own mother has a horrible track record of going weeks or even months at a time without calling or making contact. It’s awful to witness someone treat your husband so cruelly. Hang in there.
Post # 5
@MrsEdamame: To be honest, none of his parents were great parents. Yes, he had a place to live and food to eat (sometimes) but he was put through an emotional rollercoaster, especially with his mom. I think the only parent he likes and feels is stable is my dad.
Post # 6
@alaha: His adoptive parents mean well but they have put my husband through a lot. One’s an alcoholic and the other one has really bad emotional problems and is very controlling and paranoid and always feels like she’s being criticized or attacked…so we communicate with them but with limits. MIL does not like sharing her sons and it can get frustrating….sometimes she used to curse and scream and say terrible things demeaning husband (or sometimes his brother, dad, etc.) and then not remember it later on. She has made me, my husband, my mom, and god knows who else cry from the things she’s done. She’s assaulted my SIL’s mom…I could go on but that would take a while. When my MIL found out that H applied to out of state schools against her wishes when he was still in high school she came into the school, went to his classroom, pulled him out by the ear and screamed at him in the hallway. The way I see it, the only thing she’s given him is life, which is not to be unappreciated, but we both know she can’t be trusted because she is an emotional storm. Her sons both referred to her as the “momster” growing up. When she is confronted with her actions she says she should just kill herself.
I would like to meet his half-siblings, but it is kind of hard to instigate these things. Especially with the biological dad out of the picture.