(Closed) Rant about EVERYTHING.

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

As far as your father’s idea of how much houses cost… tell him to do some house-hunting of his own, and then get back to you with the results.  If he thinks he’s always right, well, let him prove it. 

To me, it sounds a bit like his mama doesn’t want to let go, yet, and maybe she still sees him as her baby boy.  As a girlfriend, you’re not really a “threat” to her, but as a fiancee, and later a wife?  Well… I’m not saying that this is necessarily the case, but it’s what I would assume.

I completely agree that y’all aren’t young for the area you’re in.  Has his family lived in the South their whole lives?   I ask, because if they’re transplants, this might seem a bit more odd to them.  You certainly aren’t rushing.  You fiance sounds like a typical guy stuck between his mama and his fiancee.  If he’s close to his parents, he’s much more likely to just let it all slide off of his back, and expecting, or wanting, him to go up against his family is just going to end up in disappointment on your part. 

Post # 4
Member
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Ugh, seriously??? That is just… awful.

I’ll start by saying I’m probably younger than you are… I’m 21, graduating soon, and my Fiance will by 22 by the time we get married.

We got engaged in April, and set a date a week later for this March. Your FI’s mom would sure hate us! Fortunately, except for a couple of uncles on my side and a few distant relatives on his side (and who cares what they think anyway?), everyone has been extremely supportive, especially our parents.

This is far and away the best way to handle these people- every time his mom says, “Don’t you want a spring wedding?” reply with, “Oh, yeah, you know… that actually might be really nice!” Then continue planning your wedding for August.

When his Dad tells you what houses cost, go, “Oh, really? We had no idea. Thank you so much.” Then continue with whatever plans you were previously following. Just MAKE SURE y’all have your own place by the time the wedding rolls around.

Unfortunately, you just can’t include them in your wedding plans, which is really their own fault. Pay for the wedding you can afford, and don’t expect them to contribute anything.

They’ll figure it out when they get your wedding invitations and you’ve got a deposit down on an apartment/condo/townhome/house/shack/whatever.

Post # 7
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

@FutureMrsBear:  Then, yeah, might be a bit of a threat.  You might also ask what their first years were like.  Maybe they’re worried you’ll repeat mistakes that they made?  On the other hand, they’re your mistakes to make, one way or another.  Not saying it is a mistake, in fact, I am all for getting a house!  Renting apartments is a money sink with little of value to show. 

I am sorry for your situation.  While he might not be able to, necessarily, tell them to stop, maybe he can express to them just how firm y’all’s opinion on the matter is, and they can either opt to be a part of your joy, or not, they’re welcome to share the joy, but not bring misery.  After all, you’re trying to add to their family, not take away from it.

Post # 9
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@FutureMrsBear:  Your Future Father-In-Law is right in a sense. Those houses do exist but in super rural areas where you probably don’t want to live.

My advice is that you calm down and try to deal. At least don’t push you SO to have to confront his parents as that isn’t fair. The best thing is to be mature and accept that these people are who they are and made your SO who he is. Try to get along, let stuff go, and if you can’t you try to remove yourself (not your SO) from the situation.

It is far better to hold your tongue as much as possible in family situations than cause and continue drama. Big girl pants on and try to get over it for your SO’s sake.

Post # 10
Member
4659 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@rachelmichelle:  This is EXACTLY what I started doing when dealing with family and whatnot started to spiral out of control, both when Fiance and I moved in together and for our upcoming wedding. Happily accept whatever they have to say and then just keep doing what we want! Haha. I second the suggestion, it works sooo well.

You imagine they’ll be drama when they realize you’re not actually taking their advice. The trick is to not actually say you’re taking it – just thank them for giving it. “Oh really? That’s interesting, I’m going to think about that.” (This phrase is also excellent for when someone you need to like you says something political that makes you furious.) or “That sounds lovely.” Never actually say you’re going to take their advice, just sound amiable to the possibility and keep changing the subject away from your wedding plans.

Basically your FI’s parents need to be politely and quietly taken out of the loop about ALL of your plans basically until they’re already done/at the point of no return. You may experience a small amount of drama in the beginning, but they’ll totally get over it and it’ll be worth not letting them try to push you around.

An engagement is a good time to be setting boundaries — if you let these people get their hooks in you now, they’ll think they can get their way with you forever. Show them you will always be sweet and polite, but you will never be swayed.

Also I’d consider asking Future Father-In-Law to actually do that house hunting too because if he’s as forceful a personality as you say, who knows, maybe he could snag you guys a deal on something good?! (If he doesn’t want to do that though… just nod and smile and keep doing what you’re doing.)

Post # 11
Member
733 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

These parents sounds extremely annoying.

I too would kill them with kindness and try to ignore them and spend a bit less time with them if possible.

Post # 12
Member
182 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

They might be having a problem seeing you two as adults ready to get married simply because you are both still living at home. Not to say they’re correct, please don’t misunderstand me, but it might be hard for them (specifically his mother) to see their little boy all grown up when he’s still sleeping down the hall. That is going to amp up the “threat level” reaction, too. You’re getting married. That means he’ll be moving out. Leaving the house. Leaving her. Even though he’s a grown, adult man with a job, maybe she just can’t see the big picture of him being on his own, in his own space, with a wife.

 

Now that you’re engaged and looking for a house, my only suggestion is to just really focus on the house hunt or get a temporary apartment, something so that you guys are on your own and they can see that you are perfectly able to take care of yourselves. That might be all the reassurance they need, it might be the explanation you’re looking for as to why these normally sweet people have gone off their rockers. They might just be worried about the two of you being ready to do this on your own.Worry can sometimes present itself as insanity, LOL!!

 

I really wish you the best of luck. My Mother-In-Law lives about 5 hours away and still has moments where I know she is “accusing” me of keeping my fiance away from her, b/c we have obligations as a couple. After living together for three years. Ugh.

Once you have things like a dress and venue, the wedding might seem more real to them, and their attitude could drastically change.

Hang in there!! Hopefully it gets better sooner rather than later!

Post # 13
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Honestly, they won’t change until your Fiance tells them what they can and cannot say to the two of you. My in laws used to give us terrible advice re: purchasing our first home. They really wanted us to buy a fixer-upper rancher or split level with around 1-2,000 sq ft. We wanted 2,500 sq ft minimum brick-front colonial. They nagged, scolded, judged, told us we were being stupid, etc. It didn’t matter how many times we said, “It will be hard to sell a split-level in our area in 3 years- starter homes are a bad idea,” they still got mad when we didn’t follow their advice. 

It took my husband talking to them many times and saying things like, “You are entitled to your opinion, but I am not obligated to agree. I respect that you feel that way and I hope that you can respect my decisions in my life.” I think he repeated that 9-10 times. A few times he was given the silent treatment, threatened to be disowned, and they threatened to not attend the wedding because of our decisions not aligning with theirs. We do not give in to threats from emotional terrorists. 

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