(Closed) Rant about MOH who won't participate in anything

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
990 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Sounds like she’s making her own bed of isolation, and she’ll have to lie in it. when she complained of feeling left out of the wedding planning, were you able to point out to her that she has been the one who has refused to participate in everything you’ve invited her to?

Post # 4
Member
10284 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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lillygirl:  but she is married and has two kids. I don’t understand why you don’t believe this reason when she gives it to you?

yes, she sounds a little judgmental but that can hardly be new, so you asked her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor knowing this. She doesn’t want to go to the bar on overnight trips  and it sounds like she can’t afford the shower events. That sucks but I really don’t get why you don’t believe her. 

I have a friend with two kids and she’s not going on overnight trips to the bar. This isn’t unusual. 

Also, if you really think she’s jealous, why not try a little compassion. She got no wedding and now you’re this mad that she isn’t attending the shower? Let it go. If you value her friendship, take off your bride glasses and look around.

Post # 5
Member
30399 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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lillygirl:  I would keep in mind that there is the possibility that she is not “making her own bed of isolation”. Her husband could be doing this for her.  He may be the one pulling the strings and deciding what is or is not ok for her to attend. If that is the case, she needs your friendhsip and understanding even more.

Enjoy your pre-wedding events and keep in touch with Katie as best you can.

Post # 6
Member
1972 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Like you said, she has a controlling husband.  Maybe her lack of participation is more towards the pressure she feels from home, rather than any issues she has with you. 

Post # 7
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

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BalletParker:  Being married with two kids doesn’t automatically stop you from wanting to go out and party once in a while though. Why can’t the dad look after them for just one night?

 

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lillygirl:  Do you know if she is tight for money at the moment? It sounds like you don’t want this to ruin your friendship so if she really can’t make it then you two could go for a nice lunch or a pampering session instead. 

Post # 8
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2020

It might very well be her husband. She might desperately want to go, but imagine how bad it feels to say “I’m not allowed to go”. So she uses those other reasons instead. Her husband can’t take care of his two children for a day? Try spending some time with her and coming from a place of love rather than annoyance.

Post # 12
Member
5879 posts
Bee Keeper

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lillygirl:  Then frankly, I’d call her out on it. Have lunch and lay your issues out. If she wants to be petty and play tit for tat but then act like she’s a victim, I wouldn’t play into that at all. 

Post # 13
Member
559 posts
Busy bee

I’ve been in similar shoes, it’s a tough one. I felt like I had two options (I had no intentions of kicking her out of the bridal party either), bring it up with the person wish for a positive outcome or be passive aggressive about it. I chose the latter because I had enough family conflict to deal with let alone that issue, I didn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with anything else. 

Two weeks before my stag (that she chose not to attend) she apologized for acting the way she did with the the others when they were planning everything and let me know that she felt left out when they did make the final decision but ultimately it was her decision not be involved so that was no excuse. It was nice to hear the apology and that was my opening to bring up everything but I didn’t. It temporarily made things fine between us. As the wedding got closer she skipped out a on a few things. It felt like she was half there through everything. She would show up to something and then not participate in others, it was so weird. Like you, I thought she would just want to be a part of everything, the planning and all. 

Looking back, I think it was more difficult for me to address because her actions really put into perspective that we’re very different now – my best friend that I had since childhood was more like a friend now. That might not be the same with you and her but I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone with bridal party drama, weddings can bring out the worst in people (they can also bring out the best too!). I wish you all the best with whatever you decide do.

Post # 14
Member
10284 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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EllyAnne:  to correct you, I didn’t say that having kids always means you can’t go our or don’t want to. 

 I said this is the reason the Maid/Matron of Honor gave and why doesn’t the OP believe her. I’m not sure how you know what her husband can and should be doing re watching the kids, but should doesn’t mean will. 

Post # 15
Member
5360 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

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lillygirl:  I totally feel you. I’m going through something similar with my Maid/Matron of Honor right now. Honestly, as a mother of two I don’t fault her for not wanting to do an overnight bachelorette thing. It sounds like she might have the kind of marriage where dad doesn’t take care of the kids on his own. So other than childcare, she probably also isn’t up for being out all night anymore either. She wouldn’t be any fun even if she did go, so I’d let that part slide. But everything else is just annoying. It’s your wedding, not hers.

I will say that I’ve had these kinds of issues with two different friends- both of whom are in difficult marriages. It feels very much like they are trying to make my wedding either into their “do over” or else bitching about everything to make my wedding seem bad so they feel better about their own. It’s ridiculous behavior but comes from a very sad, dark place. I’ve tried to focus on that- it’s their own hurt, not actually them trying to hurt me- and it helps… sometimes. Other times I want to tell them to put their big girl panties on and deal with it. 😛

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