(Closed) Rant: First anniversary forgotten twice by hubby. Sorry long

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I feel your pain, my Fiance forgot my birthday 2 years in a row. First time I managed to wait until the end of the day to remind him. The second time I only made it until about noon. It sucks. Big time. I get the hurt feelings, completely. The first time, I did my best to shrug it off. The second time I blew up at him. Well, this year he remembered, it was super aweome, he was definitely trying to make up for the forgotten ones and it was suuuch a good day. I say if you told him how bad it hurt you, hopefully that’s enough to get it out of your system. Do your best to resolve these feelings.

I’m sorry your trip wasn’t the greatest. Why didn’t you remind him about the letters? I know I didn’t bring up it was my birthday because I was too embarrassed, and felt weird being like, “um babe, today’s my birthday..” I must admit though, I wish I would have said something right away so we could have tried to salvage the day. I hope you’re able to move on from this. He definitely doesn’t seem like he was being malicious, mistakes happen to all of us. And congratulations on your anniversary 🙂 hope the next one is better!

Post # 17
Member
2871 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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bzbride2277:  you’re entitied to how you feel, but I don’t think you should be mad twice over the same forgotten anniversary. He forgot your 1st anniversary, period. 

I also don’t believe in doing things for my partner that I don’t do without strings attached. The whole trip to Germany that is 90% for him sounds like a recipe for resentment. I only say this based on how you wrote about it — you gave him a nice trip and card and then had expectations from him. Worse, they were unspoken expectations, so either he’s a mindreader or it’s unreasonable for you to expect something if he can’t know that’s your expectation. 

Also, if you aren’t into something, don’t do it. Find something you’re both into. Compromise isn’t doing something you would rather not because your partner wants it, and then keeping tabs on what’s been given / recieved. It’s finding that middle ground. 

Post # 18
Member
29 posts
Newbee

I’m more sentimental than my SO, so I feel for you. It took me some time to understand that he just isn’t into romantic gestures and it has nothing to do with not loving me or caring about my feelings/our relationship – that’s just how he is. The good thing is that there’s always a lesson to be learned in shitty situations like this! You both made an assumption regarding the gift situation and as awkward or “unromantic” it may be, it’s better to be open and honest and communicate about your expectations. You can’t force someone to be more romantic, but you deserve to find a compromise where you can both feel special and loved. Let him know how you feel so there’s no opportunity for resentment to build up. And at the end of the day, your husband vowed to love you, support you, and be there for you for the rest of your life – that’s a lot more meaningful than any gift or flowers in the world. Good luck 🙂 

Post # 20
Member
2703 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry your anniversary wasn’t what you had hoped.  But I’m with PPs, I don’t think it’s fair to be so mad at your Fiance.  If you had planned a trip, I too would have assumed that was present enough unless otherwise discussed.

I also think it’s unfair (and frankly immature) to “test” your H to see if he remembers something.  If you wanted to open the love letters, you should have just said so.

This sounds like a good chance to set expectations going forward.  Communicate your disappointment and what you would like to do in the future.  If exchanging cards or gifts is important, make sure he knows it.  Also ask what he wants to do.  Remember, people aren’t mind readers and won’t know what you want unless you tell them.

Post # 21
Member
6397 posts
Bee Keeper

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bzbride2277:  

My husband isn’t a big fan of celebrating, we did birthday gifts this year becuase I finally expressed how important it was to me to celebrate (not the gifts) but the celebration. And he finally understood. I got him a new pair of birkis and he got me a new necklace and pendant that is symbolizes us and our daughter, he got it from Etsy. We exchanged gifts early becuase on accident my gift got shipped in his name, in the shoebox he would be sold in at the stores…So needless to say he got his present early and when mine arrived, he put it on my neck. What I didn’t expect was on my birthday he gave me a bracelet, one I had been eyeing on Etsy. It was super thoughtful and romantic and unxpected. But I think he did it because he realized how sentimental I was.

I didn’t blow up at him before when he didn’t realize how important celebrating was to me. I think guys in general just don’t realize the importance at times. I think it’s the way you handled it that makes a difference. Yes, he forgot, but you didn’t need to blow up at him. That does nothing except make him less likely to want to celebrate your anniversary.  Talk to him and let him know your feelings in a calm manner.

Post # 22
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Are my Fiance and I the only ones that discuss gifts and gift levels to ensure this doesn’t happen? For any gift exchanges we discuss whether or not we’re going to do gifts this year and the level of thoughtfulness or expensiveness or flashiness we’re putting into it. I guess it’s not particularly romantic, but I’d imagine it’s more romantic than having your feelings hurt.

OP, I’m sorry you’re disappointed. I would imagine I’d have been pretty bummed, too. It sounds like you guys need to communicate more. This isn’t the movies where everything is perfectly scripted. And guys are notoriously poor mind readers. I know you want him to know exactly what to do without being prompted, but that doesn’t seem to be working too well. As I always tell my Fiance when his expectations aren’t being met, “Please, use your words!! That’s what they are for.” It isn’t fair for him to expect something of me that I’m unaware of and vice versa. It’s better for everyone.

Post # 23
Member
29 posts
Newbee

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FutureFantasticMrsFox:  “I guess it’s not particularly romantic, but I’d imagine it’s more romantic than having your feelings hurt.”

 

This (and your whole post) x 1000.

Post # 24
Member
553 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Tell him what you expect and leave it at that. He’s an adult and should set reminders for himself if needed. Anniversaries and celebrations are clearly important to you and I’d imagine he could, for one day, make romantic gestures, buy a card, etc if that’s what will make you happy even if it isn’t his “thing”.

Im not crazy about cards, flowers, stuffed animals or any of that cheesy stuff. I actually think it’s a waste of money but my Girlfriend loves those things; they mean a lot to her. So I set a reminder on my phone of our anniversaries and plan accordingly. No half assed, last minute attempts but seriously put thought into it because I know how much it means to her.

Post # 25
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Charleston, SC

I guess I’m the only one who thinks OPs husband should have stepped up more? 

OP, I would have been really hurt too! Could communication about expectations have maybe helped you not get your feelings hurt in the first place? Yes. However, a first anniversary is a pretty big deal IMO and the least your hubby could have done is tell you Happy Anniversary and been excited about it! As for the gift giving thing, while I know I would have gotten something for my SO had he gotten me something and I didn’t know we were exchanging gifts, I’d let that go. But I know that’s not what you’re really upset about here.

I think NOW is the time you should practice communicating with your DH about this and how to handle future anniversaries. He may not be sentimental like you are, as some PPs have mentioned. However, I think he should have a) realized how big of a deal it was for you and made more of an effort to celebrate with you in some way (you’re married, shouldn’t he know what you’ll find important or not?) and b) not completely ignored the letter thing. Tell him, calmly, how disappointed and hurt you are about his lack of consideration and discuss how you’d like future events like anniversaries to be handled. And then let it go and move on.

Sorry you’re so upset about this! I would be upset too. Hugs!

Post # 26
Member
999 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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bzbride2277:  As someone who was also in Munich for Oktoberfest this weekend, I understand where you are coming from when you say the trip was 90% for him. He had wanted it instead of a honeymoon, but in my opinion it would make a terrible honeymoon. Everyone is either standing on sticky tables and singing (which, granted, can be a blast) or exhausted from a day of drinking (and possibly puking on their SO). There is so much drama at Oktoberfest (900 lost passports was the last count, 121 oxen eaten) due to an excess of people, drink, and heavy food. It’s a lot of fun, but it isn’t romantic.

Sorry he forgot your anniversary. He was probably just really excited for Oktoberfest. Propose that he make it up to you (also for puking on you) with a quiet night in where he treats you like a queen.

Post # 28
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee

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bzbride2277:  It looks like geneva2 brought up a good, point:  It looks like you sacrificed your wants for his & got nothing that you really wanted.  Maybe you can request to have something special to make to for it.

Post # 29
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2000

So, you take your man to Oktoberfest for your anniversary and you are surprised he got drunk and puked? That it wasn’t romantic? That he thought a trip didn’t count as a gift?

I think you need to adjust your reality a bit.

The topic ‘Rant: First anniversary forgotten twice by hubby. Sorry long’ is closed to new replies.

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