Post # 1
So my Future Sister-In-Law is very sweet but a little nutty. She is one of those people who is so ambitious that she almost terrifies me. I thought I was wound tight, until I met her lol. She is also obsessed with status and wealth. She is married and prides herself in being the sole breadwinner and she makes a lot of money. She hired a lawyer to separate her and her husband legally for some sort of weird tax break although they are very much in love just to make more money. Yeah I know, crazy ambitious and greedy. These features of her personality make her come across as slightly cold and unfeeling. She is not a touchy feely emotional being at all while I am. We get along alright though and she really is a nice person who I am excited about being family with. Most of he time we just take her with a grain of salt, and then Fiance and I totally laugh about how absurd she is in private. In other words Fiance knows how odd she can be.
She offered to throw Fiance and I a rehearsal dinner in their backyard. I was thrilled because a backyard BBQ was what I preferred to a fancy dinner where too much money was spent. Both Fiance and I expressed gratitude that she was taking this on as his parents were struggling financially at the time and couldn’t host it themselves. She told us that we could invite up to 25 ppl!!! What! I am having a small wedding and a pretty small wedding party. I couldn’t even think of 25 ppl that should be there.
Last week she called me up to her house to have dinner and look at the backyard to approve of her “design ideas.” Design ideas? The landscaped backyard looks fine the way it is. This is when she revealed that she was going to have it catered. I tried not to laugh as she asked me the next question. “Well, when ### and I were getting married I remember being really upset that the rehearsal dinner food sort of upstaged the food I served at my reception. I really don’t want to upstage your wedding so we were thinking of doing Mexican food. What do you think?” I hadn’t even considered that this backyard rehearsal dinner might upstage my wedding the next day. Maybe because I am not as competitively minded as her. Of course I should have known that Future Sister-In-Law was going to go all out, after all she understands that the caliber of event she hosts is a reflection of her wealth. Then her husband talked about the vintage vases he was going to pick up at antique shops to really tie everything together with. She asked me what my wedding colors were so that she could match the linens to our theme. Whoa whoa whoa guys. Back up, we aren’t throwing a second wedding here… just a rehearsal dinner. I certainly wouldn’t expect a restaurant to match my colors which is where most people go for a rehearsal dinner.
When she asked about who we wanted to invite I told her that my parents and obviously their parents but then just the attendants and their spouses. She seemed shocked and said that she planned on inviting family in the area that aren’t required to have any part in the rehearsal. Is this normal? Oh well, I guess its her money so she can feed who she wants. Then she said that she was going to have a few of her own personal friends drop in. She invited people that we don’t even know to our rehearsal dinner! Again, I can’t really complain as it is still a generous offer and it is her money. But I feel uncomfortable that I will be socializing with people that have no invested interest in me and my FI’s success as a married couple. This is why we are having a small wedding because we feel strongly about paying for people that really aren’t personally connected with us as a couple and our happiness together. I explained I really didn’t want to invite too many more and jokingly said that the rehearsal dinner will almost have as many people as the wedding. She asked how many ppl we were having at the wedding to which I replied 53. She said “oh, you mean you sent out 53 invites and about 120 people are coming?” No, I mean I sent out 28 invites and 53 ppl are coming. She explained not to “worry” because more ppl will show up than we expect because that is what happened with their wedding. I don’t see how as no one will even know where the venue is unless we tell them. Plus I wasn’t worried about the numbers. Perhaps she didn’t realize that we actually planned on having a subdued event unlike her circus of a wedding a few years back.
I don’t know what Future Sister-In-Law must think of us or our wedding. Apparently she expects some sort of cheap, barbaric event where guests assemble their own peanut butter and jelly sandwiches lol. I tried to tell her that I was hardly worried about her upstaging our event (which by the way includes poached salmon, an 18 piece swing band, and a gorgeous wooded venue with vineyards) without insulting her. Yes we are having a budget wedding but that certainly doesn’t mean it won’t be classy. This rant was brought on by her pestering me for swatches today so she can pass them onto her coordinator. COME ON! Overall, we just think it is pretty funny but suddenly I am a little nervous. Do I really have to worry about her upstaging our wedding? Because she proposed the question, do you think it is something she plans on doing? Should I just feel confident that my day will be more beautiful than anything she can hold in her backyard?
Post # 3
rant away but i would let her go – she seems to be having a blast in putting together a Rehearsal Dinner for you (especially as she seems to want to include you in the planning) and at the end of the day, your wedding day and getting married is whats important
although i dont agree she should invite people that are not coming to the wedding but maybe she wants to show off a little – dont know how to tackle that but be honest and say its poor etiquette and it makes you feel awkward and you hope she understands. i do suggest she keeps the numbers down and maybe you can ask her for a more intimate group
goodluck – im sure your day will be remembered and be fantastic
Post # 4
It sounds like she wants to throw you a nice rehearsal dinner and you’re pinning all these horrible intentions to her. How is trying to incorporate your wedding colors a bad thing? I’m sorry, but she sounds nice and generous and you sound a bit jealous.
Post # 5
Hm, that is a little weird of her to be so gung ho about this BUT she does seem to be trying to keep you in the loop and do a really nice thing for you. How does Fiance feel about all this? Unless it gets worse, I would honestly let it go if you can, and just accept that she’s doing something super sweet for you, albeit it her own sort of status-minded way. Nothing will upstage your wedding.
Post # 6
I think there is definately worse problems to have than a Future Sister-In-Law throwing a really nice rehersal dinner. I think you should be honest about not having people come that aren’t invited to your wedding though. Also, even if other family that has nothing to do with the ceremony is invited it isn’t such a bad thing, just an extra day to celebrate. If they are matching your colors then who knows, maybe you will like some of the decor and want to use it on your wedding day as well? Just enjoy her being so enthusiastic about doing something for your wedding (no matter what her intentions are)because there are plenty of other posts on here about girls feeling that their family doesn’t give a crap about their wedding.
Post # 7
I’m sorry, but I have to agree with the other girls. All I got from reading this is that she’s super excited to host a party for you guys. I didn’t even get that she’s worried about it upstaging your wedding, but that she wanted to make sure that *you and fiance* don’t mind if it’s Mexican food.
But no, no matter what I don’t think you need to worry about your wedding being upstaged. They call it a “Rehearsal” for a reason. Just enjoy both parties, revel in the fact that she’s obviously excited to have you join the family, and let the rest go. ; )
Post # 8
I think your Future Sister-In-Law is just really excited to plan this rehearsal dinner for you. Don’t worry, it’s just a rehearsal dinner. She just wants to make sure everything is right for you and your fiance. You’re having a wedding. That’s a special event filled with different emotions. Just enjoy what she’s throwing you. She’s really generous and take this as bonding time for you two 🙂
Post # 9
I would smile & accept her help. I’ve read much more horrible stories about people’s MILs. Plus I think it’s sweet & your guests will love something so personal. The fact that she’s worried about how you feel about it says it all, and I love that she wants to incorporate your wedding colors (can I borrow her please?).
It’s pretty silly to worry about anything ‘upstaging’ your wedding. There will always be people spending more money/having nicer or more expensive weddings/parties than you.
Post # 10
What I would give for my Future Mother-In-Law to even feign interest in my wedding! When we broached the subject of having my FI’s parents drive down to view the wedding venue and our first choice for the rehearsal dinner, she flipped out saying the drive was “too long” and “why would she need to see the restaurant, just book it.” She even went so far as to suggest that my “parents have good taste, just have them plan the rehearsal dinner.” I was floored. I ended up planning the entire rehearsal dinner myself and she gave my Fiance a credit card to use. I was really sad that she didn’t care enough to help me plan…so enjoy having such an awesome FMIL!
I agree with PPs – she is excited and happy for you both and wants to plan something that is spectacular. My parents are using my wedding as a vehicle to impress their friends, too…it doesn’t make them any less happy for me. Take your own advice and remember to take your Future Mother-In-Law “with a grain of salt.” It sounds like the wedding and the Rehearsal Dinner are going to be very distinct events…nothing with upstage your big day. Just sit back and enjoy the fact that they are doing something so incredibly special for you!
Post # 11
Thanks for all the comments Bees. This helps me gain some perspective. You are right, I could have much worse Future Sister-In-Law. Fiance and I are both grateful. This event has simply highlighted how different Future Sister-In-Law and I are as people. I’m sure that one day I will have to count her ability to way overplan and be a little anal retentive. I hope that one day I can repay this favor to her some how although she usually doesn’t accept a lot of help. It just felt good to have a little rant I guess.
@arbuzunia: Jealous, hmmmm how so? And I never pinned anything on her let alone anything “horrible”. She was the one who mentioned HER fear of upstaging OUR wedding. It hadn’t crossed my mind until she said something. Not sure how your comment gives me any insight or advice. In fact, your words are sort of offensive and a little unfounded. Perhaps you should reread my post, taking note of the multiple times I have accepted that she is being very generous.
Post # 12
I’ll be honest.
In this post, it is YOU who sounds insecure, rather than your FSIL–although I don’t necessarily disagree with your assessment (you know her, I don’t). I notice that YOU are the one who is second-guessing and justifying your own choices (“our wedding WILL be classy! we’re having an 18-piece band! And salmon!”). That’s an understanable reaction when confronted with someone who transfers insecurity, but at the end of the day, since you can only control yourself and not her, by best advice is that you be yourselves, and be happy about it. You planned the wedding for YOU, to reflect YOU, and that’s not going to work for everyone, and that’s FINE. It’s not a competition, it’s a celebration.
SHE is the type to go big and flashy and the rehearsal dinner, while for you, is her shindig in that she’s the host. So let her go big and flashy. I can tell you that most of her concerns about the food upstaging your wedding are unfounded (and I hate to say it, but MOST of the time the rehearsal dinner food upstages the wedding, simply because catered Mexican or backyard BBQ may be more humble, but it’s just better than most hotel chicken, IMHO!), and if you take that out of the equation, she’s being quite considerate and sweet. The only thing that you should correct, as a PP mentioned, is the etiquette problem of inviting people to the dinner who are not invited to the wedding–but hopefully she’ll understand.
I think that you’ll be much happier if you think about this along the lines of celebrating yourselves with your wedding, and letting your Future Sister-In-Law shine as HERself by hosting your rehearsal dinner.
Post # 13
She seems very open to your input so I wouldn’t worry about giving firm “I want this and not that” statements. Sounds like a fun Rehearsal Dinner.
Post # 14
@RobotBabooshka: ….. is she jealous? I mean, I know she’s officially ended her relationship but I think she’s kinda doing her own wedding thing…. inviting her own friends?! She has a coordinator?! I’m just blown away by this…. You’re wedding is going to be tops so don’t worry. 18 piece swing band?! Nah, she’s not going to top that, unless maybe she gets Steve Martin and the original mariachis….
Honestly, she just sounds sad.
Post # 15
Sounds awesome! Let her go all out I say! The only thing that I would say something about FOR SURE is her inviting people that you don’t know. That’s ridiculous! I would simply say “I appreciate this more than you will ever know, but I would rather not have people that I’m not close to at my rehearsal dinner, it makes me uncomfortable. If that’s a problem I totally understand and we can do something on our own”
Post # 16
I wouldn’t worry about the dinner upstaging the wedding. There will be SO many emotions surrounding the wedding that it is really a totally different event and nothing can take away from it. My Future Mother-In-Law is throwing what will be an awesome rehearsal dinner with most of the guests at our wedding. When she chose the venue for the rehearsal dinner, I actually was sad that we hadn’t looked at it for our wedding– it’s amazing and gorgeous. The food will probably be as good as at the wedding, and the space will be awesome loking. But I just think of it as more time with family and friends, more time to celebrate. It hadn’t even crossed my mind that it would take away from the wedding– I think it will add to the whole weekend experince for people traveling a far way in fact. Just be happy you have more time to celebrate!