(Closed) Vent: FSIL upstaging wedding with rehearsal dinner?

posted 8 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

rant away but i would let her go – she seems to be having a blast in putting together a Rehearsal Dinner for you (especially as she seems to want to include you in the planning) and at the end of the day, your wedding day and getting married is whats important

although i dont agree she should invite people that are not coming to the wedding but maybe she wants to show off a little – dont know how to tackle that but be honest and say its poor etiquette and it makes you feel awkward and you hope she understands.  i do suggest she keeps the numbers down and maybe you can ask her for a more intimate group

goodluck – im sure your day will be remembered and be fantastic

Post # 4
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It sounds like she wants to throw you a nice rehearsal dinner and you’re pinning all these horrible intentions to her. How is trying to incorporate your wedding colors a bad thing? I’m sorry, but she sounds nice and generous and you sound a bit jealous.

Post # 5
3081 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Hm, that is a little weird of her to be so gung ho about this BUT she does seem to be trying to keep you in the loop and do a really nice thing for you. How does Fiance feel about all this? Unless it gets worse, I would honestly let it go if you can, and just accept that she’s doing something super sweet for you, albeit it her own sort of status-minded way. Nothing will upstage your wedding. 

Post # 6
1430 posts
Bumble bee

I think there is definately worse problems to have than a Future Sister-In-Law throwing a really nice rehersal dinner. I think you should be honest about not having people come that aren’t invited to your wedding though.  Also, even if other family that has nothing to do with the ceremony is invited it isn’t such a bad thing, just an extra day to celebrate.  If they are matching your colors then who knows, maybe you will like some of the decor and want to use it on your wedding day as well? Just enjoy her being so enthusiastic about doing something for your wedding (no matter what her intentions are)because  there are plenty of other posts on here about girls feeling that their family doesn’t give a crap about their wedding. 

Post # 7
3571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry, but I have to agree with the other girls. All I got from reading this is that she’s super excited to host a party for you guys. I didn’t even get that she’s worried about it upstaging your wedding, but that she wanted to make sure that *you and fiance* don’t mind if it’s Mexican food. 

But no, no matter what I don’t think you need to worry about your wedding being upstaged. They call it a “Rehearsal” for a reason. Just enjoy both parties, revel in the fact that she’s obviously excited to have you join the family, and let the rest go. ; )

Post # 8
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think your Future Sister-In-Law is just really excited to plan this rehearsal dinner for you.  Don’t worry, it’s just a rehearsal dinner.  She just wants to make sure everything is right for you and your fiance.  You’re having a wedding.  That’s a special event filled with different emotions.  Just enjoy what she’s throwing you.  She’s really generous and take this as bonding time for you two 🙂

Post # 9
4109 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I would smile & accept her help. I’ve read much more horrible stories about people’s MILs. Plus I think it’s sweet & your guests will love something so personal. The fact that she’s worried about how you feel about it says it all, and I love that she wants to incorporate your wedding colors (can I borrow her please?).

It’s pretty silly to worry about anything ‘upstaging’ your wedding. There will always be people spending more money/having nicer or more expensive weddings/parties than you.

Post # 10
1736 posts
Bumble bee

What I would give for my Future Mother-In-Law to even feign interest in my wedding! When we broached the subject of having my FI’s parents drive down to view the wedding venue and our first choice for the rehearsal dinner, she flipped out saying the drive was “too long” and “why would she need to see the restaurant, just book it.” She even went so far as to suggest that my “parents have good taste, just have them plan the rehearsal dinner.” I was floored. I ended up planning the entire rehearsal dinner myself and she gave my Fiance a credit card to use. I was really sad that she didn’t care enough to help me plan…so enjoy having such an awesome FMIL!

I agree with PPs – she is excited and happy for you both and wants to plan something that is spectacular. My parents are using my wedding as a vehicle to impress their friends, too…it doesn’t make them any less happy for me. Take your own advice and remember to take your Future Mother-In-Law “with a grain of salt.” It sounds like the wedding and the Rehearsal Dinner are going to be very distinct events…nothing with upstage your big day. Just sit back and enjoy the fact that they are doing something so incredibly special for you!

Post # 12
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’ll be honest. 

In this post, it is YOU who sounds insecure, rather than your FSIL–although I don’t necessarily disagree with your assessment (you know her, I don’t). I notice that YOU are the one who is second-guessing and justifying your own choices (“our wedding WILL be classy! we’re having an 18-piece band! And salmon!”). That’s an understanable reaction when confronted with someone who transfers insecurity, but at the end of the day, since you can only control yourself and not her, by best advice is that you be yourselves, and be happy about it. You planned the wedding for YOU, to reflect YOU, and that’s not going to work for everyone, and that’s FINE. It’s not a competition, it’s a celebration. 

SHE is the type to go big and flashy and the rehearsal dinner, while for you, is her shindig in that she’s the host. So let her go big and flashy. I can tell you that most of her concerns about the food upstaging your wedding are unfounded (and I hate to say it, but MOST of the time the rehearsal dinner food upstages the wedding, simply because catered Mexican or backyard BBQ may be more humble, but it’s just better than most hotel chicken, IMHO!), and if you take that out of the equation, she’s being quite considerate and sweet. The only thing that you should correct, as a PP mentioned, is the etiquette problem of inviting people to the dinner who are not invited to the wedding–but hopefully she’ll understand. 

I think that you’ll be much happier if you think about this along the lines of celebrating yourselves with your wedding, and letting your Future Sister-In-Law shine as HERself by hosting your rehearsal dinner. 

Post # 13
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

She seems very open to your input so I wouldn’t worry about giving firm “I want this and not that” statements. Sounds like a fun Rehearsal Dinner. 

Post # 14
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@RobotBabooshka:  ….. is she jealous? I mean, I know she’s officially ended her relationship but I think she’s kinda doing her own wedding thing…. inviting her own friends?! She has a coordinator?! I’m just blown away by this…. You’re wedding is going to be tops so don’t worry. 18 piece swing band?! Nah, she’s not going to top that, unless maybe she gets Steve Martin and the original mariachis…. 

Honestly, she just sounds sad. 

Post # 15
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Sounds awesome! Let her go all out I say! The only thing that I would say something about FOR SURE is her inviting people that you don’t know. That’s ridiculous! I would simply say “I appreciate this more than you will ever know, but I would rather not have people that I’m not close to at my rehearsal dinner, it makes me uncomfortable. If that’s a problem I totally understand and we can do something on our own”

Post # 16
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I wouldn’t worry about the dinner upstaging the wedding. There will be SO many emotions surrounding the wedding that it is really a totally different event and nothing can take away from it. My Future Mother-In-Law is throwing what will be an awesome rehearsal dinner with most of the guests at our wedding. When she chose the venue for the rehearsal dinner, I actually was sad that we hadn’t looked at it for our wedding– it’s amazing and gorgeous. The food will probably be as good as at the wedding, and the space will be awesome loking. But I just think of it as more time with family and friends, more time to celebrate. It hadn’t even crossed my mind that it would take away from the wedding– I think it will add to the whole weekend experince for people traveling a far way in fact. Just be happy you have more time to celebrate!

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