(Closed) RANT!!! How selfish is this?!

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Maybe you could write her an email or letter so that you can explain your position to her without her interrupting and without either you or her getting all emotional.  Start by telling her how much you appreciate her help so far.  Maybe you could pick out one of the things she did that you particularly liked and compliment it.  Tell her you’re very sorry for how things have fallen apart between the two of you (notice you’re not apologizing for anything you’re done, just saying that its a bad situation currently).  Say that you while you’re thankful for her help, that you also need to be a part of the planning process for your own wedding. Tell her that its really important to you that the two of you be able to work together and you’re really hurt that she won’t participate anymore.  Tell her that weddings should be a positive time for mothers and daughters and you just want to put the whole fight behind you and move on.  Don’t mention the dress at all.  At this point it might be better to just go dress shopping yourself and keep your mother out of it, unless she apologizes and acknowledges how out of line she’s been.  I went dress shopping by myself, and I actually liked it because I could focus on getting a dress I liked rather than being swayed by other’s opinions.

Doing something like that might smooth over this particular fight and help you get through the wedding.  However I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that your mother may not be able to be a part of the planning process without controlling every aspect of it.  I don’t know how she is normally, but this could be a good time to start setting boundaries for her.  Otherwise what will be next, will she insist on naming your children too?  It may be tough, but if you can walk the line between telling her that you love her and value her opinion, while still insisting that your opinion matters too, then it will be better for the both of you in the long run.

I’m sorry this is happening 🙁

Post # 18
Member
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

woow thats just crazy.  I think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart to her and explain that you are also excited and its your wedding so you want to make the decisions about things.  That you really appreciate her help but that she is taking all the excitement away from you and thats just not fair. Wow I’d be so mad if I were you sheeesh!

Post # 19
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I think you are handling this pretty well. That said, I don’t understand why you expect her to act any different than she ever does. You said it yourself,

“Keep in mind that I’m an only child and I’ve pretty much always done what she’s asked of me so I don’t understand why she won’t let me have my moment!!”

You’ve always done what she wants, so why would she think you would stop now? She’s never had to see the big picture, so why start now? If anything the wedding is more important to her than any old thing, so she is going to be even more trying to run the show. If you want her to stop micromanaging, you’re going to have to be really persistent in setting your boundaries in the future…but it is definitely possible.  

Post # 20
Member
2472 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Wow, that’s so….bizarre.  What she did was totally out of line.  I can’t even imagine how she thought it was appropriate for her to pick out all of those things without your input.  I would be pissed. 

Post # 21
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Oh wow. Totally not OK. I’d be livid too. While she may not be acting selfish because technically she was doing these things for you, I do think she’s acting self-absorbed by not even considering what you and your Fiance want before doing these things. Seems like she’s in her own little world where it’s OK to just do everything for the wedding without your input or approval, and that’s just completely controlling and deluded even – I mean, if she honestly thought you wouldn’t be upset about the fact that she gave you no input on key factors of your wedding, she is completely delusional. The fact that she’s acted like this your whole life is still no excuse for this. And she’s acting like a baby now that you won’t do things exactly her way. That’s terrible. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this!

Post # 22
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

It’s nice that she’s so excited about your wedding to buy all that stuff, but I would be totally livid if I were you. I think you handled it pretty well! If I were you I would keep repeating myself over and over that you are going to pick your own dress shoes and jewelry and from here on out all purchases will be made by you. Keep repeating over and over.

Post # 23
Member
1637 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Wow not cool at all. I would be LIVID if my mother picked out anything for my wedding without consulting me first…especially MY DRESS AND SHOES! Also the FI’s ring…WTF. I think you should be honest and tell her she is hijacking your wedding. It’s fine to help with buying small things (thank you cards, gift holder, guest book) but other things like centerpieces, your rings, attire…ridiculous. Also call her out on acting like a child by not going with you to pick out your wedding dress. I know she is your mom and trying to be helpful but I’ve had to call my mom out on acting like a baby twice now. She told me I shouldn’t even have a wedding because we aren’t having a head table (we are having a sweetheart table instead) and again when I explained there would be no toasts from the Bridesmaid or Best Man (FI’s dad) and Maid/Matron of Honor (my sister) b/c BestMan is shy and has anxiety … I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable doing it and it would be weird if only Maid/Matron of Honor said speech…so we nixed it and apparently that means we shouldn’t have a wedding. UGH. Mothers can’t live with ’em can’t live without ’em…unless it comes to wedding planning.

Post # 24
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I got mad when I saw that she bought your invitations- I almost lost my mind when I saw that she picked out your DRESS!!!?!?!

I don’t have any advice for you. But you are NOT overreacting.

OMG I can’t even wrap my brain around this. It’s just nuts.

Post # 25
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2010

You could try to explain to your mother that it was wonderful how she went ahead to help you out and purchased everything, but that one can’t purchase memories.  She essentially robbed you of forming stronger bonds and having wonderful memories of the time leading up to your wedding.  You could say to her that you had really hoped that the two of you could have a beautiful mother-daughter experience finding the perfect dress for you on your wedding day.  You could say that it would have been one of your most precious memories.  Same with going with your Fiance to choose his wedding ring.  It would have been so sentimental for you to have experienced all this, but now nothing’s left for you to do.

Also, you could explain to her that a lot of couples end up using their wedding preparations as a time to see how they deal with conflicts and compromise; it sets up a good foundation for your marriage.  Your mom robbed you of the chance to set budgets with your Fiance, to resolve differing tastes, etc. etc. 

It is not the destination, but the journey. 

 

Post # 26
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Lucytoo, you are very wise. Great advice.

Post # 27
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I second lucytoo. She said it perfectly.

BUT, I also think that you need to be a little firm with her and tell her that all wedding purchased need to be approved by you. She should also know that she can’t just go buy  your flippin’ wedding dress without even asking you! I know it’s coming from a good place, but that’s just, umm … a little insane.

Post # 28
Member
2511 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Wow.

It sounds more like she’s trying to relive her youth and steal your moment than being supportive and helpful.

I would be furious as well, but since she is your mom, and depending on your previous relationship with her, you probably need to approach it differently than if it were someone else. Like I said, I don’t know how your relationship with her is/was but hopefully you can get your point across in a way that won’t totally ruin it. She definately needs to re-think her actions though, as they are out of line and just plain weird IMO.

Post # 29
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

To me that sounds really wierd. I mean, it may never have crossed her mind that you would want to pick out everything for your wedding? Maybe she was sad or lonely since you were gone & went wayyy overboard & if she had the money to do so, maybe that was her way of dealing with things? Or out of excitement that her only child is getting married? I don’t believe she should have done that, especially without asking if you even like what she got, but I can see how a mom may feel like she’s helping so you don’t have to do the crazy planning. She may be afraid that she’s “loosing you” to your fiance & she’s trying to impress you? There may be an underlining issue that she’s dealing with because what she did is extreme.

What LUCYTOO said, sounds perfect. Good luck!

Post # 30
Member
10216 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Wow, she just really wants you to be happy I think. I think she just misses you like crazy and wants to fill the void, but the wedding dress, um yeah too far, the ring, a bit too far.  This is really the last thing she’ll be able to do for you before you are a married woman and I just think she wants you to know how much she loves you and misses you (which it sounds like you do).

Post # 31
Member
1585 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Just remember that it is your special day.  Not your mom’s special day.  She should be happy for you.  Just explain that she is your monther and she always will be but choosing a dress it your choice.

Lucy said it beautifully!

Im my opinion… you have every right to be stark raving mad… I would be.

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