Rant: It feels impossible to be on a budget because people act so entitled

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 16
Member
3630 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY

Starfish55 :  This is exactly what I was going to say! I think people who haven’t been through it yet don’t fully understand it.

bighairbigheart :  When I was planning a modest, immediate-family-only wedding for 30, and then to elope, family and friends who had already gotten married told us that if they could do it all over again, they would have saved the money and kept it simple. Those who eloped had no regrets. All that to say: don’t let anyone else’s feelings about a small guest list guilt you into having something bigger or more expensive than you can afford because it’s not about them! Some of us just care about marrying the love of our lives, and there’s no need to break the bank to do that. Best of luck!

Post # 17
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee

I feel ya, although my issue isnt with invites. Im going to school after I get married and trying to stay in budget but my mom is planning things that dont fit in the budget, she wants a way fancier wedding than we can afford 🙁

Post # 18
Member
27 posts
Newbee

You are not alone!  My future Mother-In-Law is driving me crazy with this.  We are way over the number of people we should have invited (largely because of people she kept adding that HAD to be there).  We are hoping for no’s!  My Mother-In-Law decided not to use her plus one (which we appreciated) but now wants to give it a way to a cousin for her husband.  Mind you, I have never met the cousin and we had no idea she had gotten married (so we obviously weren’t invited to that wedding).  It’s so easy to be generous with someone else’s money!

Post # 19
Member
2003 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I made my rules and I am sticking with it. Anyone that tells me I have to invite them, gets put right on the “not inviting” list. You don’t tell me how to handle a day that I am spending so much on. 

 

Post # 20
Member
9216 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i didn’t have that issue.  we made our guest list, 120 people, and had the wedding we wanted.  planned it with help from Darling Husband and my mom.  we didn’t involved others in any other decisions. 

it was stress and drama free.

Post # 21
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

I hear you. I’m not even engaged yet, and people that I would have never thought to invite to my wedding have said to me, “Are you engaged yet? I can’t wait for your wedding!” foot-in-mouth I want something around the 100-150 range, but it’s hard when people do this. I also can’t imagine why some people actually want the whole world and her sister at their weddings but that’s a whole other topic.

I would say don’t discuss your wedding plans with anybody outside of who you intend to be there. All your guests really need to know is the where and when. Any other discussions can be limited to your immediate family and wedding party. If others ask about it, just be up front: “We are on a tight budget and want something small with our close family and friends.” Former college friends and coworkers you talk to a few times month because you have to are not entitled to an invite. That’s just awkward.

Post # 22
Member
2427 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

The thing of not talking about the wedding with non-invitees is the best and most logical advice. It is natural to burst out “oh I want to come to the wedding!” when it is being talked about, but most people who aren’t close, and get an invitation, don’t feel the same excitement months later. 

Don’t ever mention budget, or not being able to afford more guests. It isn’t any of their business about your expenses. And I think a wedding should feel to the guests, like the lovely event just sprang up like magic, like in the book The Night Circus. 

Even though the ones paying for it know different. And a wedding is always lovely no matter the budget.

Post # 24
Member
257 posts
Helper bee

Someone mentioned this on the boards when I was going through the invite list/cutting guests:

I’m perfectly happy to NOT be invited to a wedding! I don’t have to buy a new dress, no gift to shell out for, I don’t have to take time off work to travel to the wedding, pay for a hotel room, etc etc etc

And I wish more people had this mindset! I invited someone to our wedding because I felt like I had to/felt pressured to by them and its one of my biggest regrets.

I find this whole attitude of ‘you HAVE to invite me!!!’ absolutely self-absorbed. I wasn’t aware that this super important day is about YOU! Thankfully, I only had one or two people like this. But I honestly can’t wrap my head around telling someone that they MUST invite you. How TACKY!!!

Post # 26
Member
257 posts
Helper bee

bighairbigheart :  That’s the difference between the people who are posting on this thread and the people who are trying to invite themselves. We all have plain old common sense, whereas they seem to lack it. And manners, for that matter…

That grinds my gears, people trying to ADD extra people in. I didn’t address them on the invitation, so they’re not invited… what about that wasn’t clear??? My aunt invited my cousin, who just missed the age cutoff and it was okay for her to come (my mom put the pressure on, so I had to in the end, and she’s a very lovely girl), but only did so on her RSVP, just added her name in. At least my other cousin had the decency to email me and ask about whether her daughter could come, very nicely I might add, made it clear it was OK if she wasn’t invited. As a result, I felt much better about extending THAT invitation than the one to my other cousin who’s mom just tacked her on.

I’m not made of money – just because one extra person seems like nothing to you, doesn’t mean I can afford it. We had a strict budget and a cap at the number of people and so we had to take one of our friends off the list to accommodate the first cousin coming. We simply couldn’t afford to add extra people without putting ourselves in debt. We had a healthy budget but there’s a limit, you have to put your foot down sooner or later!!

People seem to forget that weddings aren’t just a free for all party with free food and booze. It’s celebrating my MARRIAGE, forgive me if I want my nearest and dearest there and not a bunch of randos. *sigh*

 

Post # 28
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

We are having a smaller wedding (caps at 50 people) and it is informal, total budget is $2500.  I purposely did not discuss my wedding with anyone as you never know who will be invited.  By discussing it in any way you are opening yourself up for input.  I did have people ask about bringing extra people (not a BF/GF but my cousin wanted to bring her GROWN SON and DIL – and she asked TWICE! LOL!) and I was firm: “We can’t accommodate them.”  Never apologize either.

Post # 29
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

bighairbigheart :  why is it necessary for “millenials” to also think they need big weddings to satisfy all these people? I got married in a botanical garden with 6 people there and the officiant.  Had professional pics that came out beautifully. The people in my every day life that have been and will be there for every waking moment were there. Granted we all love having loved ones around, it’s not necessary to have  a big wedding or wedding at all for people to be entitled to. Most people are distant relatives multitudes of friends that are around for celebrations but not every day life. I don’t get the point in having a frenzy over weddings  and I’m a “millenial.”

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