Post # 1
To start, all of my friends (other than 1) are guys and they dont understand this sort of thing.. so I came here.
lately it seems that my mother is being very wishy washy on the whole “Wedding talk” stuff. She will bring it up one minute and discuss details, then the next she will tell me my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I need to stop talking about it and just enjoy the anticipation.
Here is the issue: My boyfriend lives in Pittsburgh and I am here. The reason we have been talking about it so much is so that we can really make plans on who is going to relocate and being realistic about it, and what to do with that persons property when they move. More than likely it will be me moving to Pittsburgh. Problem is I own a house here in Georgia and as we all know the housing market right now is not, shall I say, flourishing. He is being really mature and trying to get himself out of debt (Car loan and Penn State loans) since I am just now starting to go back to school.
I love my mom to death but its so frustrating to make her understand why we talk about marriage so much because we both have alot of things that have to be handled before we can actually get married. I just wish I could make her understand but when I try to explain things to her all she says is: You give in to easily and he needs to move here. Frankly I think getting away from Ga for a few years would be a great thing for me.. other than college Ive been here 95% of my life. I feel like I want to rip my hair out and Im not even engaged yet!!!
Thank you ladies for reading my rant..
Post # 3
Keep your Mom out of it then. She isn’t a friend where she has to listen and act supportive no matter what the issue is. She’s going to give her opinion b/c she’s your Mom. Why does she know so much about it anyway? We make a real effort to make decisions in private then communicate them to our parents after they’re set in stone. That way, no one can try to talk us out of it or bring us down.
Post # 4
Been there, done that. My parents always felt like if he loved me, he’d do anything for me, so I should just take advantage of that situation, basically. Not cool.
Ultimately, your mom doesn’t need to know details. Just tell her up front when she asks why you’ve stopped talking wedding stuff with her is that she’s not supportive and understanding and just makes the sitaution worse insteaed of being helpful. If she’s at all like my mom, she’ll make a really big effort to change how she takes in the information and what sort of advice she gives. Sometimes my mom THINKS she’s being helpful but in reality she just didn’t understand the situation 100%.
But at the same time, you can’t move until you sell the house. What are the roadblocks to your Boyfriend or Best Friend moving to GA? Could he get a job where you live? Do you WANT to stay in GA or move to Pittsburgh? I have a friend who lives in Pittsburgh and HATES it, despite the fact her husband is there. The weather kills her!
Either way, it’s going to take awhile to sell your house. So if you’re going to do it, just DO IT and tell your mom it’s done. If you own your own home, opening everything up for discussion with her can be like opening up a big can of worms.
Post # 5
I agree with moderndaisy. As hard as it may seem, it’ll be so much better for your sanity if you make an effort not to discuss stuff like that in front of your mom so that she can’t input her opinion. My mother is exactly the same, only instead of being wishy washy she thinks we’re doing it all wrong and doesn’t want to relinquish control (which makes it doubly hard cause we’re currently living with her). So FH and I try to have all our wedding conversations in private so we can make our decision without interference.
Post # 6
Yeah, I think I’d try not to allow this conversation to come up again. Your Mother may have some valid points but this is a decision you need to make with your boyfriend. Now, regarding the house, worst case scenario, could you rent it out? I mean, for you put in on the market. I say this because what if you move there and it just doesn’t work out for whatever reason. You and he could move back to GA. Just an idea, not sure how realistic it is.
Post # 7
I know it can be frustrating when your mom doesn’t see things the way you do, but as PP have said, rather than focusing on how to convince her of your opinions, just don’t include her in these conversations. Honestly, even putting aside the moving issue, I don’t think it makes much sense to discuss details of a wedding with people until you’re engaged and actually making decisions.
Regarding moving, moms tend to be heavily biased in favor of their kids staying close to them. So don’t expect her to urge you to move. I think you should figure out with Boyfriend or Best Friend what makes most sense to you as a couple.
Post # 8
Well this is where we are at. My boyfriend is a plastics engineer and im an MA at an OBGYN practice getting my ultrasound degree. For now until the economy gets better it will be easier for me to find a job up in Pittsburgh then him down here. Ultimately I do want to come back to Atlanta but a change of scenery might not be such a bad thing for a few years.
My mom is my best friend and we usually talk about everything together.. although like you ladies have said I have realized wedding planning may not be one of those things. My parents got divorced when I was 13 months old so she has been all I have ever known. I think since I’m the baby she is a tad bit overconcerned and making sure her baby is going to be taken care of.
Post # 9
That sucks and I understand. Moms can have a hard time letting go. It may be that hearing you talk about it reminds her that her baby girl is moving away from her. Even moms who never seem to have the “Oh, my baby!” moments can feel a twinge when things start to change. You might try to tone it down around her a little and also assure her that she will still be an active part of your life in the future even if there is some distance.
My own mother told me that I “give in too easily” when I told her that ultimately I would want to move to Canada to be with my guy. Sometimes, you just have to do what you feel is best for your relationship and your life. You can’t always slow things down to appease everyone else. It’s hard to not be able to go to mom and ask for advice or just have her as a sounding board when such big changes are going on for you.
For now, try to keep from bringing this up around her too often. It’s just better for your sanity. Make your plans with your boyfriend and decide what to do without her input. If you think she is going to be negative, don’t give her the option to insert any doubt into your plans. Take this time to let your guy know about how she feels and that you may need extra emotional support from him about this. Let your mother know what is going on only as you feel necessary. Good luck.