- 3 years ago
- Wedding: October 2017
Hello Bees! I have been an unofficial member of the Hive for a long time now, and I am so excited to be a part of this amazing community of women. The tips, advice, and guidance you all give each other has really helped me along, and I’m hoping you all can help me again. Instead of gushing over my future with my amazing hubby to be, I am reaching out for some serious advice because I feel like my fiance’s family drama has affected our wedding plans and it is now affecting our lives. Some background first: I am 25. Fiance is 27. We have been dating for 3 years. Moved in together 10 months ago. He is a wonderful man, and I feel very loved and supported by him. Not “officially” engaged yet…so I would be a waiting bee, but more details on why will be below. This is a long one ladies, so grab a glass of vino and buckle up:
The issue all started over 1.5 years ago when FI’s sister (who is in her early 30’s by the way) added me to her bridal party without asking me. I told Fiance that I felt uncomfortable with the situation because (1) I had only known her for a total of 2 months, (2) she was engaged under turbulent circumstances (she suspected that her then boyfriend–now husband was gay but in denial, she found him actively cheating on multiple dating sites, they were broken up and she was dating other men without his knowledge while they were working to repair their relationship, and she has bragged about being emotionally and physically abusive to him (even in front of other friends, while on vacation)–all of which she was so excited to tell me about in just the 2 months that I had known her, and (3) she has no good girlfriend relationships – cannot get along with her half-sister…and every failed friendship she has is because of the other person…never her.
When I told Fiance my feelings, he could not understand why I didn’t want to be in the wedding. In my mind, I resolved that this was just him loving his sister unconditionally. But, I stuck to my intuition and gave his sister the excuse that I had too many obligations and just could not manage being in her wedding with all I had going on. Even though she never asked me to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man…she just assumed (just wanted to reiterate that point). Days later, and she has me on a bridesmaid text message chain where I received over 100 messages in 15 minutes on a work day. I texted her separately and politely asked her to remove me from the chain, and went about my day. Hours later, she sends me a nasty text message. It started with: “I’ll ask you this: what is your problem?” WTH? And she called Fiance and asked him if the issues he and I were having in our relationship was the reason for me not wanting to be in her wedding. What issues?
I called her and told her that I’m sorry if my text came across harshly (even though it really shouldn’t have), but the only reason that I asked to be removed from the chain is because who can deal with hundreds of messages when they are trying to work? Things went back to normal…for a while. Because there are so many incidents like this, I’m just going to give the Cliff Notes or this would be a very boring thriller novel.
1. Even after telling her multiple times that I will not be in her wedding, she added me to her What’s App bridal party chain instead where I received hundreds of messages related to her wedding. For my sanity, I did not reply to any messages, and turned the conversation on mute. Side note: she even messaged to all of us that she may be pregnant, but then later said it was just a “false alarm.” Seemed like a ploy for attention to me…
2. Asked me if my attending her Thursday wedding would be a problem. When I replied that the day was not a problem for me but could potentially be an issue for others and result in a lower attendance rate, she flipped, started swearing at me, and accused me of manipulating her brother not to attend her wedding. I told her that I will not be attending the wedding because of her consistent rude and hostile behavior. She then called her brother and told him I disrespected her so I’m uninvited to the wedding.
3. FI’s sister then told him that he could not be in the wedding because “I dropped out” and now he has nobody to walk down the aisle with (he was a groomsman). So, Fiance cut off all ties with his sister and refused to attend her wedding because of her behavior. Because I’m a family person, I encouraged him to support his sister on the most important day of her life and I reached out to his sister to resolve things. She sarcastically texted me back and told me and Fiance to have a nice life together.
4. One month passes by and I have had no contact. No texts, calls, or visits. She text messages me out of the blue and tells me that she heard through the “grapevine” that the reason I have had no contact with the family is because I still have an issue with her even after she apologized. Umm did I miss something, what apology? I told her that her behavior was unacceptable and she then texted me a half-a** apology to the effect of “if you feel I did something wrong, I apologize.” I just accepted it, and moved on but once again maintained no contact.
Everything above happened between October and November 2015. In December 2015, Fiance and his sister got into a huge argument during Christmas dinner after she brought up my name around the table, told him I was not a member of the family, and said I was at fault for the issues between us. Flash forward to mid 2016:
1. She told Fiance that she heard from a friend that I said that she could not afford her house, and she was jealous that she could not get pregnant.
2. She told Fiance that I act like he does not equally contribute financially to our household.
This was starting to cause major issues between Fiance and I because I felt like he could not see through what his sister was trying to do: start drama and split us up. I cut off all contact with her. But over the course of time, Fiance told me that his sister was starting to act better and trying to make amends. I still kept my distance. Like they say: once bitten, twice shy. She sent a text message invite for her birthday party. I politely declined (in a separate message). The only events I went to her home for were (1) my future MIL’s birthday and (2) engagement party for future Brother-In-Law. I made short appearances, kept everything cordial, and then I went home . Her wedding was in September 2016. True to my word, I did not attend because I did not want to be in the drama (and later I found out-there was a lot of drama!). But Fiance did attend, which I felt was the right thing to do. We not only paid for him to be in the wedding (bachelor party, suit, etc), but then we also gave a very generous financial gift and included a sentimental card. Her response? She sent me a text message that said verbatim: “We thank you very much for our gift.”
Flash forward to October 2016:
1. I hosted a 4th of July party at our home and invited everybody including her…cooked, cleaned, mingled and waited on everybody hand and foot. Hugged everybody as they came and everybody as they left…including her. She stayed on her phone the entire time and barely interacted with anybody (my family was present as well). In October, she told Fiance that my treatment of her made it clear that she is unwelcome in our home.
2. Told Fiance that I was wrong for making private plans with Fiance for his birthday to which she and the rest of the family was not invited.
3. Fiance told his entire family that I was the person he was going to marry; she responded by telling him that he should continue looking for somebody else.
4. Told me in a face to face interaction that my distance (which I have purposely maintained to avoid the drama) is my effort to tear the family apart.
By the way, this sister has worked so hard to poison everybody’s mind against me that my future Brother-In-Law and his new wife (who lived internationally at the time, so she was not even here in the States to be a part of the drama) told Fiance that he has only known me for a short period of time and look at all of the drama I have caused. I did not speak about with my issues with FI’s sister to anybody else in the family, but now people in other countries know?!?). Fiance now has no relationship with this brother and his wife. Sad.
Now, Fiance and future MIL have both approached me and said that the sister has been trying to change (even though as recent as a few months ago, she once again physically assaulted her husband). She tried to reach out to both brothers to end their feud right before New Years. And she tried to “pop up” at my parent’s house when Fiance, Mother-In-Law, and I were there for a family dinner a week ago to get to know everybody (that was her reason, anyway…even though she had that same opportunity at the 4th of July party but she stayed on her phone the entire time). She has not called or reached out to me directly, however. Obviously – my family wants nothing to do with her and at this point, neither do I. For whatever G*d-forsaken reason, FI’s sister asked him if she could come over to our home and he said yes. That was, until I vetoed it and told him that she and her shenanigans are not welcome here. He asked me: How will I know if she’s changed if I’ve cut off all contact? And shouldn’t I give her another chance? I told him change doesn’t happen so quick…it takes time and she needs a lot of time to work on all of her changes. He ultimately decided that he was not going to bring somebody into our home that I am uncomfortable with.
Now, Fiance told me that he and his sister had a conversation recently and she told him that she respects our relationship and has no issues with me. Since he and she are now on good terms, he is hinting that he wants her to be there for the wedding, but not if it will ruin my day (those were his words). Bees, let me tell you: FI and I were planning on getting engaged by the beginning of this year 2017. We were originally planning to get married in October 2018 at a beautiful southern plantation style venue with 75-100 people. We had already picked out the invitations, chosen my beautiful Sofia Tolli dress, and budgeted everything etc. etc…and then we canceled it all because of this nonsense. Because if the wedding is not two people and their families joining together to support their union, what are we spending all of this money for?!? We’ve instead decided to have no public engagement period. Nobody other than my parents and MIL know that a wedding is right around the corner, although I’m sure that they have their suspicions. The very first day I will wear or see my ring will be on my wedding day in October 2017 (it’s in the shop for safe keeping and temptation purposes!). And we’ve decided to get married in a very simple ceremony in our church’s courtyard surrounded by just our immediate family (those who are supportive anyway) and then we will be honeymooning / vacationing together.
Now, if you’ve made it to the end of this exhausting post on a Friday night, you definitely deserve a medal and another glass of wine! If it’s exhausting for you to read, just imagine how exhausting it is for me and Fiance to live this. I hate that this has affected relationships with other family members. And I hate to admit that we changed our wedding plans because of her. But that’s the truth. I just really need some support, perspective, and advice. Anything would be very much appreciated. And the big question is: Since Mother-In-Law and Fiance are convinced his sister has changed, do I welcome her into our home? And do I invite her to the wedding?
Sorry for the length bees! You guys are awesome. xoxo