Post # 32
Thanks everyone. I am trying to be considerate to her, which is why I cut back the nights that Boyfriend or Best Friend stays over. And he doesn’t stay at my apartment when I’m not there EXCEPT for when he sleeps in for one hour. Then he leaves while my roommate is still asleep.
I have not expressed any of my frustration to my roommate because I do know that she has the right to speak up and say something if she’s uncomfortable. And because I am trying to get over my feelings of resentment for it.
Is it logical to resent her for it? Probably not. But I do, a little bit. I came here just to vent so that I wouldn’t vent to HER and cause a fight.
And as always, y’all gave me fresh prespectives, some that had not even occurred to me. Such as a PP saying that no matter how nice and unobstrusive my Boyfriend or Best Friend is, it still changes the dynamic of the apartment.
All I’m saying is that it’s hard to adjust to seeing my Boyfriend or Best Friend less often and part of me can’t help but blame her for it. But have I let her know this? No. Because I am trying to be considerate and keep the peace in our apartment.
And to those saying move out sooner, we have expenses coming up such as a vacation in two weeks, a new (well, newer but used) car that Boyfriend or Best Friend is saving up to buy on his own, without having to take on a car payment. So it’s not the best idea financially right now to break the lease. But we are considering it if things get worse. We will have to wait and see what happens.
Post # 33
True but since then, we have cut it back and decided to keep it around 2 nights.
Post # 34
Yes, you’re correct. The leasing office put us together, it is basically like a dorm but nicer.
Post # 35
It really seems like there has to be some other solution…she needs to compromise. If bf isn’t using resources like showering and eating her food or being loud and disruptive (basically if he isn’t costing her money or inconvenienve), there is no reason you shouldn’t be able to use the space you rented how you want. Maybe 2 nights he can ba allowed to be in the common areas and the others if he wants to spend the night more, he can just stay in your room and be not noticeable. Just explain to her what you said here something like this: “If it was you who really loved someone and liked spending as much time together as possible, wouldn’t you feel that life is too short to have “no sleepover” rules as mature adults? If my boyfriend keeps to himself, is friendly to you, limits his time in common areas/stays in my room, and respects you wanting it quiet, can’t he stay over more often? Our schedules don’t allow for much time together and him spending the night is all I get.” There is a better solution than the situation you have. Good luck 🙂
Post # 36
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@LadyBlackheart: Unfortunately that is the downside of having a roommate; you have to be respectful of their time and space. She is paying to live there, your boyfriend isn’t.
But I will keep it real. If you have absolutely no desire to remain friends with your roommate in the future and there are no repercussions to your lease by having an overnight visitor then screw her, do whatever you want.
My roommate treated me that way and had her boyfriend over every single night even though I asked her to keep it to one or two nights per week, which is more than fair especially since she and I were sharing a room in a dorm so if he slept over it was in my room. It forced me to move out more quickly and we stopped being friends as a result.
Otherwise suck it up and deal with it. You like the benefits of having a roommate (i.e having more money) but you want to bitch about the negatives (i.e. can’t have your Boyfriend or Best Friend over every night.) You can’t have both. You can either have a roommate and get the extra cash to live nicer with vacations, etc… Or you can be an adult and move out and in with your Boyfriend or Best Friend so you can whatever you want with the negative of having less expendible income. I have done both routes and I much prefer having less expendible income and being able to live alone with my FI; we’re both much less stressed living without roommates.
Post # 37
Ugh, I HATED having to deal with a roommate when one (or both) of us had a boyfriend. Personally, I think it’s wrong to let him stay, even for an hour, while you’re not there. It’s not his place, he doesn’t get to hang out there, and no matter how nice he is, it’s still uncomfortable. Now, you definitely do have the right to have him sleep over a few nights, and she definitely has the right to bring home a guy once or twice a month. It’s a heck of a lot less often than your bf is staying over.
Bottom line: he should only be there when you are. He should be able to stay over, but not LIVE there. I.e. he shoudn’t be showering there, or keeping stuff in the bathroom (if it’s shared).
Honestly. if you want to get rid of this issue, find your own place to live so you don’t have to compromise. Until then, you have to be respectful of your roomate.
Also, have you two sat down and had an honest talk about this? Without your bf there? Let her know you care about how she feels, and want her to be comfortable and feel safe in the apartment you two share. Come up with something reasonable, and let her know that you’ll stick to it. And then do it.
ETA: I just read some of your other threads about this. You said he “basically lives” with you in one, and also that he keeps clothes, toiletries, etc., there. If he’s keeping the means to live at your apartment, he’s living there. Based on your past history, I don’t expect your roomate to warm up to him. You’ve pretty much f*cked her over, and it doesnt seem like much changed. He shouldn’t have a key, he shouldn’t be there when you aren’t.
Post # 38
I didn’t read other threads and I understand you want to spend more time with him, but I think your roommate has every right to dislike him being at your apartment. And I believe your Boyfriend or Best Friend has to leave when you leave the apartment. Not to stay even a minute longer after you left.
Why do you think you can’t stay night at your BF’s parents place when they are there and your Boyfriend or Best Friend can do when your roommate is there?
I think 2 nights / week seems more than reasonable – she should keep this as well. It doesn’t matter if the visiter is a SO or a stranger.
Post # 39
I would ask her to move out or move out myself. Or you can just ignore her wishes and add your bf to the lease and have him chip in.
Post # 40
Sorry but I’m with your roommate on this one – especially after the last few posts about it. She is paying to live with a female roommate, not a female roommate and a part-time male roommate. She’s probably starting to resent you, too.
So, you say your boyfriend leaves before she gets home, yet you are texting her to see if she is home so he can come over when you aren’t there? You also say he leaves an hour after you do, but he’s never there when you aren’t? That makes no sense. He shouldn’t be there when you aren’t there period. Whether she is there or sleeping or not. It’s probably in your lease too that guests cannot be in the building unaccompanied by the renter.
You should have more respect for her, especially given the information she confided in you.
You guys need to come to an agreement about how many nights a week visitors are allowed.
Post # 41
Lol! I just had to share this text convo I literally JUST had with my roommate.
Roommate: “I’m having a friend over. But I wanna know if (BF’s name) is coming. If so, good. If not, can he? Lol”
Me: “I’m confused. You’re saying if Boyfriend or Best Friend is coming, good? You want my Boyfriend or Best Friend to come over? Lol”
Roommate: “YES ’cause I’ve never met this guy. But I wanna meet him when there’s a guy and another person here.”
Me: “Oh ok, just wanted to clarify lol. Well I haven’t talked to Boyfriend or Best Friend yet but I’ll ask him if he wants to come over tonight”
Roommate: “Say that I need him there. And so do you because of this guy haha.”
Me: “Lol! Will do. So when is this guy coming?”
Roommate: “After you get home lol.”
Me: “Oh dang. Lol! Well I just texted Boyfriend or Best Friend so when he replies, I’ll let you know.”
Roommate: “Okay! :)”
I’m just shaking my head right now. Lol. I guess the good thing out of all of this is that she doesn’t have an issue with my Boyfriend or Best Friend personally. And apparently wants to use him as a bodyguard when strange guys come over. Lol!
Post # 42
I’m confused. Where are you getting this from?
So, you say your boyfriend leaves before she gets home, yet you are texting her to see if she is home so he can come over when you aren’t there? That makes no sense.
I never said he leaves before she gets home. I think you’re mixing that up with the fact that Boyfriend or Best Friend sleeps in a little bit and leaves one hour after I leave in the morning for work and while she’s still asleep.
And I USED to text her to see if she was there so Boyfriend or Best Friend could come over to change clothes but I don’t do that anymore.
And I said that he’s never there when I’m not there EXCEPT for when he sleeps in an hour after I leave. I leave early in the morning so other than him sleeping in one hour after I leave, he’s never there when I’m not there.
Post # 43
okay well regardless, you say he is never there alone, when in reality he is.
Post # 44
Okay then I guess I should change my wording from “never” to “rarely”. But one hour in the early morning when everyone is asleep is not a big deal. Roommate has even said herself that she does not care if he sleeps in as long as he’s gone by 10:00.
Post # 45
I’m sure he’s not disruptive, but it is just not fair to have someone sleeping over all the time. She did not sign up for that. I had a roommate- my last one- who had her bf over ALL THE TIME. I said something at one point and he stopped coming over when she wasn’t there. But pretty much 5 nights a week he was there. I liked him and we got along, but there’s just something about knowing he’s there. And, he should be leaving when you do. I wouldn’t be happy to have him hanging around at all- even for an hour- if you weren’t there.
Maybe you could find someone to take over your lease. I feel bad for your roommate. She is not trying to dictate anything. She wants to live in peace- and not with a man.
Post # 46
I leave early in the morning so other than him sleeping in one hour after I leave, he’s never there when I’m not there.
does not make sense. This is black and white. Either he is in the apt when you are there or he isn’t. Even if it is an hour, you shouldn’t say never. He is there when you’re not. Does he have a key???