(Closed) Rant/vent…starting to resent roommate

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

maybe you can sublet your lease? so she can get a new roomate and you can move in with your bf sooner

Post # 48
Member
4753 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

In the words of my mother: “Her roof, her rules. Don’t like it? Move out.”

Post # 49
Member
4753 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

my bad, just read you’re on a lease.

Post # 50
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I was in the same situation as your roommate. My roomate’s boyfriend would come over and stay the night. I didn’t have any problems with my roommate or her boyfriend, but I generally just felt uncomfortable.  I felt this way mainly because while they were in the shared space, I often felt like I had to stay in my room so they could be together.  I felt almost like an intruder or a stranger in my own apartment at times. 

I can understand how she feels.  I would just discuss your feelings with her.  She might be more understanding. 

Post # 51
Member
3235 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Before I write this, I should preface it by saying that I live with two female roommates and my boyfriend is over every night of the week – 7 days a week. Except for the rare (maybe once a week or less) occasion that I stay at his place, but he also has two (male) roommates and I work at 7 am and his place is a 40 minute commute as opposed to my 6 minute commute from home. So I know how you feel.

 

But I still side with your roommate. 

 

I was upfront with my roommates about my boyfriend being over regularly before we moved in and if they had had a problem with it, I wouldn’t have moved in with them. He gets home much later than I do, but he leaves later than I do and sleeps in late most days – probably the last one to leave the house each morning (I’m the first). They have said they’re comfortable with this arrangement and he’s very respectful, but if they were uncomfortable I would understand and change things (although maybe not at this point as him and I are moving in together in a month). 

 

Think about it – your roommate probably feels like she can’t go to the kitchen without a bra on to get a drink at night. I know I feel that way when there are strange dudes over, like I have to get fully clothed before leaving my closed door. It’s another person potentially competing with her for hot water in the apartment. Another person to make noise or leave a light on (we all do it occasionally). She has to hear you two having sex (by your own admission). It’s her house. Yes it’s your house as well, but by NOT having your BF there you’re not less comfortable. By having him there she is clearly less comfortable – whether you think her reasoning behind it is valid or not.

 

And it’s really not fair for you to say he’s ONLY there 2 nights a week, he leaves right after I do before she gets up, etc. because that is only a recent development since she has stood up for herself. Before that he was over much more regularly, coming over to shower/change when no one was home, etc. So he’s only there 2 nights a week because before that you were abusing the  privilege of having a guest around. 

 

Finally, I think he’s being pretty rude to say that he’s sick of having his time controlled by a teenager. His parents are controlling your time as well – why do they get more respect than her? Both parties are laying down boundaries in their own home, which is a right that they are absolutely entitled to. What if instead of him/you saying “oh if she only knew what it was like to be in a relationship/love” she’s thinking “oh if he only knew what it was like to live as an adult/not supported by his parents he’d understand why I want to have boundaries in my own home that I’m paying for”?

Post # 52
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

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@carolinabelle:  Finally, I think he’s being pretty rude to say that he’s sick of having his time controlled by a teenager. His parents are controlling your time as well – why do they get more respect than her? Both parties are laying down boundaries in their own home, which is a right that they are absolutely entitled to. What if instead of him/you saying “oh if she only knew what it was like to be in a relationship/love” she’s thinking “oh if he only knew what it was like to live as an adult/not supported by his parents he’d understand why I want to have boundaries in my own home that I’m paying for”?

I was literally coming on to say this exact thing.

Look it sucks. My parents are super conservative and I am long distance with my boyfriend. We alternate visiting each month (because my parents would flip if I visited him every single month and he never came down) and so we only get to sleep together every 2 months for a weekend but that’s the price I (and he!) pay for getting to live with my parents and paying practically nothing in rent.

His parents and his job are impeding your time just as much as this girl and yet she’s the one that everyone resents.

Post # 53
Member
1461 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

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@FEDORAble:  +1.  Why don’t you resent your boyfriend for still living at home?  I get it that it’s not financially feasible now for either of you to get your own place, shared or otherwise, but you have to suck it up.  Having roommates comes with consequences.  You can find the money to move out or accept the fact that you can’t have your boyfriend over as often as you’d like.  Personally, I’d much prefer a roommate who brought an overnight guest every once in awhile versus a regular weekly visitor.

Post # 54
Member
2176 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

another vote for the roommate…. doesn’t matter if I like the guy or not the things that I do/wear/am comfortable doing alone/with a female roommate home are very different than how I would feel if there was a guy there (wearing a bra to the kitchen for one…. but I would even be uncomfortable having to “use” the bathroom if a guy was going to go in there right after me)

 

the added history of sexual abuse just makes me feel so bad for her… sounds like from her recent text (asking you and BF to be home when this guy comes over) she isn’t over this and is scared of being alone w guys (though I see you say she somestimes has “friends” come over too…)

 

I think you have two options… move out or follow the rules… 2 nights per week isn’t terrible…. better than none!

Post # 55
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@FEDORAble:  +10

Post # 56
Member
15210 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I went back and read your other thread, and I’m sorry, but I have to agree with your roommate.  In regards with the changing for a few minutes where she kinda seemed to snap, why does he HAVE to change at the apartment.  He doesnt live there, and surely he can find some bathroom to change in.  It may not be nice, but it’d work, I’ve changed in a public bathroom before, you just make do.

If she’s expecting female roommates and this guy is just there all the time (or increasingly as you put it) I wouldn’t be happy with it either.  That is not the situation I signed up for.  If he doesnt pay rent, he has no regular rights to use the space whether he be your bf, fi, or whatever.  If he has to crash 1 night out of say every month or two, that’s fine, but regular stays is not.  She has every right to say that she does not want him there all the time essentially as a 3rd roommate imo.

Post # 57
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Ugh.  Honestly, I feel bad for your roommate.  She did not sign up for this.  I had a roommate who did this to me and it was terrible.  I hope that you focus more on righting the situation with her instead of whatever happens to be convenient for you and your boyfriend.  Sorry.

Post # 58
Member
4654 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Unpopular opinion:

OP, I feel you, and it really sucks. I don’t get what’s so awful about having an extra person floating around as long as they tidy up after themselves and such. I’ve been in practically every role of this story (person who has an SO over often, person who IS the SO coming over often, and person whose roommate has an SO over often) and it’s always been chill, so I don’t think I’m totally out there in terms of thinking it should be fine.

If he were touching her stuff (even in public areas), clogging up the toilet, using the shower/stove/TV when she wanted to, running up the water/electric bills, etc. I could see a problem, since she’s paying for those resources and should have access over him.

But as long as the dude isn’t in the way/causing expenses, I just don’t get the problem at all. I think your roommate is being too uptight and unsympathetic, and yes, I agree that part of why she isn’t seeing things from your POV might be that she’s only 19. I certainly wouldn’t want a 19 year old telling me who I could have and not have sleep in my room either. Ridiculous.

She has her private space – her room. That is the space she can control. If she wanted to control the entire space, she should live by herself. Living with roommates, especially roommates you didn’t know beforehand, means coping with stuff like this. As long as the boyfriend is discreet and respectful, I don’t feel like it’s reasonable to keep him out.

Post # 59
Member
2552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

The thing is, an extra person IS disruptive even if he behaves nicely. He has toiletries in the bathroom! He’s crapping in the bathroom that the roommate has to use, she has to wear a bra to be in her own house, hundreds of etceteras.

 

 

 

if you want to have the life of an adult, maybe your boyfriend shouldn’t live with his parents. that is not the roommate’s fault. i’d resent him more than her

 

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