This is my first post on here in forever (I just lurk time to time) but I read your post and just felt inclined to post. It sounds very much like you and your husband are thinking of having kids because “it’s the next thing to do”. This is not a good reason to have kids. I don’t get the impression that either you or your husband understands what goes into parenthood, especially if he thinks they will just be out of the house while you are “still young”. Parenthood really is “for life”, whether the kids are in the house or not, and what if any of your children are born with, or suffer a disability at some point, and require lifelong care? It happens, and I’ve seen it happen, and yet many (not all) people when considering having children do not think about those possible realities as well.
I am childfree by choice. When I was much younger I sort of thought vaguely I would have “kids someday” and believed that one day I would really want them (because everyone said I would), but fortunately I made sure to always be careful with the birth control, and so I had the time and life experience (as well as opportunity to read a lot of info on both parenting and being childfree) to truly realize I actually did NOT want kids, ever. I am now in my mid-30s, and very happily childfree. I truly am so glad my younger self never gave in to any pressure or “expectation” to have kids, and so I never “took” the decision or opportunity to be childfree away from myself. But, even if I had gone the other way and determined I did want kids, I would have been grateful I came to the decision because it was what *I* genuinely wanted, not because it was what I thought I “should” do/want, or because I was “passively trying” to let fate decide for me.
Not saying you and your husband should never have kids, or that you may never want them, but at this point it does not seem like you two have had a very heart to heart talk about what you believe raising children will be like, what your expectations for parenthood are, as individuals and together, whether they match realities, whether you genuinely WANT children (and when you think about it, realize this includes going from babies to adults, and all that is involved in raising children including the financial, time, emotional, mental, etc commitments). You should most definitely NOT be having children for other people…like your parents. It is YOU and your husband who will be responsible for the lifelong day to day life of raising children and parenthood, NOT your parents. Though I am not a parent, I have had a lot of direct experience with young children, and been fortunate to many honest talks with friends and family who are parents of children of various ages, from infants to middle-agers. Some people absolutely love parenthood, ups and downs and all, but some don’t, and it is not always easy which is why you really have to be WANTING it, in my opinion, to hopefully help you weather through the downs as well as enjoy the ups. The writer Nora Ephron said “having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage”, so be sure you and your husband are both ready to stand strong through the explosion!
And oh yea, barring any big fertility issues “taking your chances and seeing what happens” is going to result in a pregnancy in due time. That is not “passively trying”. That’s “not taking steps to prevent what biology will make happen”. I know many people who have done similar in the face of indecision, just stopped birth control to let “fate decide” but to me that is silly, that IS making a decision, and that decision is to have a baby. I know there is often this idea out there that “no one regrets having children”, but let me say….there really are people who do.
I don’t think it is at all unusual to be nervous about having children even if you really want them, but I do think you should be both very much onboard with wanting them beyond “we don’t want to disappoint our parents” and “it’s the next step”, and have had many heart to heart talks about not just “having babies”, but about parenting, and what life is going to look like, and what you want it to look like, both if you have children and if you do not.
So, go back on the BC, and have children when you and your husband are genuinely ready for it.
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This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by .
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