(Closed) Ready for Kids? How'd you know you were or weren't

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
18628 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Are you sure you really want kids?  I always thought I would and talked about it when I was younger but now I’m just meh about it.  If you aren’t really sure, I wouldn’t rush into having them right now.

Post # 3
Member
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa

BostonStacy:  It sounds like you’re like me, and you could go either way (have kids or not). I’m a little worried for you that you noted your reasons for trying were:

1. For your parents’ sake.

2. So that you’ll be young when they’re gone.

Guess what? If you don’t have kids, you’ll be young without them, too. And if you don’t have kids, your parents will surely get over it. I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t, but I think you and your husband need to make the decision for YOU GUYS, and not just because it’s about that time. That’s a reason to eat dinner, not a reason to create life you’ll be responsible for years and years.

It sounds like you don’t know what you want, yet (me either!), so why not get back on the pill and take more time to yourselves? Eventually you may decide that you’d like a kid, or you may not. Either way, you can be 100% happy and should be 100% on board with your decisions.

Post # 4
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Hi! I don’t have kids, and we aren’t actively TTC yet 🙁 (haha) because I’m on a medication for a few months yet, but I have MAJOR baby fever. Except this time it’s not going away like it normally does. I have a few friends that are in various stages of pregnancy and where I used to think ‘Eeeeek – that’s awesome/how cute but I’m not ready!’, I now think ‘Omg I can’t wait until we can start trying!’. I feel like my priorities have definitely shifted over the last few years from being kind of selfish with shopping and wanting to go out, to wanting to work on our house and just spending time with my husband taking trips or casually hanging out with friends. I also feel like it’s been good for us because we’ve had a chance to settle into married life and maybe that’s making us feel more ready? I don’t know if this is helping or not haha but I will say we were/are planning on waiting until next Spring and now it feels SO FAR AWAY! Hahahaha… Based on my husband’s teasing before/during ‘the deed’ I feel like he would be ok if it happened sooner but he’s not quite feeling the urge as much as I am.

Post # 7
Member
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa

BostonStacy:  I think you’ll just feel “ready” some day. I think I will. Not necessarily some overwhelming desire to have a baby, but a general feeling of preparedness, if you know what I mean? I find it difficult to explain.

If feeling ready to have a baby is a spectrum from 0-10 (10 being 100% ready to try), I’m at about a 3 or 4 right now. I used to be at a 0, then a 1 or 2, so I can tell I am beginning to become more ready, but I think it’ll be at least a couple more years before I’m at an 8 or 9 (is anyone ever really at a 10? lol). 

 

Is there anything on your “baby bucket list”? Things you want to do before you’re ready? It can be big important things like buying a new house or silly, gray-area things like “travel more” or, “spend more time as husband and wife”. 

I have a general vision in my mind of the fairly near future for us (say, the next year or two), and I see us moving, and I see us creating a new home for ourselves and becoming settled in a new location, and me starting a business, but I don’t see a baby, yet. I think when I picture our future (near-ish) and see myself being pregnant or with a kid, that’s when I’ll be ready. Listen to your subconscious. I know it sounds hokey, but that’s the best way I can explain how it works for me.

Post # 8
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

This is my first post on here in forever (I just lurk time to time) but I read your post and just felt inclined to post. It sounds very much like you and your husband are thinking of having kids because “it’s the next thing to do”. This is not a good reason to have kids. I don’t get the impression that either you or your husband understands what goes into parenthood, especially if he thinks they will just be out of the house while you are “still young”. Parenthood really is “for life”, whether the kids are in the house or not, and what if any of your children are born with, or suffer a disability at some point, and require lifelong care? It happens, and I’ve seen it happen, and yet many (not all) people when considering having children do not think about those possible realities as well.

I am childfree by choice. When I was much younger I sort of thought vaguely I would have “kids someday” and believed that one day I would really want them (because everyone said I would), but fortunately I made sure to always be careful with the birth control, and so I had the time and life experience (as well as opportunity to read a lot of info on both parenting and being childfree) to truly realize I actually did NOT want kids, ever. I am now in my mid-30s, and very happily childfree. I truly am so glad my younger self never gave in to any pressure or “expectation” to have kids, and so I never “took” the decision or opportunity to be childfree away from myself. But, even if I had gone the other way and determined I did want kids, I would have been grateful I came to the decision because it was what *I* genuinely wanted, not because it was what I thought I “should” do/want, or because I was “passively trying” to let fate decide for me.

Not saying you and your husband should never have kids, or that you may never want them, but at this point it does not seem like you two have had a very heart to heart talk about what you believe raising children will be like, what your expectations for parenthood are, as individuals and together, whether they match realities, whether you genuinely WANT children (and when you think about it, realize this includes going from babies to adults, and all that is involved in raising children including the financial, time, emotional, mental, etc commitments). You should most definitely NOT be having children for other people…like your parents. It is YOU and your husband who will be responsible for the lifelong day to day life of raising children and parenthood, NOT your parents. Though I am not a parent, I have had a lot of direct experience with young children, and been fortunate to many honest talks with friends and family who are parents of children of various ages, from infants to middle-agers. Some people absolutely love parenthood, ups and downs and all, but some don’t, and it is not always easy which is why you really have to be WANTING it, in my opinion, to hopefully help you weather through the downs as well as enjoy the ups. The writer Nora Ephron said “having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage”, so be sure you and your husband are both ready to stand strong through the explosion!

And oh yea, barring any big fertility issues “taking your chances and seeing what happens” is going to result in a pregnancy in due time. That is not “passively trying”. That’s “not taking steps to prevent what biology will make happen”. I know many people who have done similar in the face of indecision, just stopped birth control to let “fate decide” but to me that is silly, that IS making a decision, and that decision is to have a baby. I know there is often this idea out there that “no one regrets having children”, but let me say….there really are people who do. 

I don’t think it is at all unusual to be nervous about having children even if you really want them, but I do think you should be both very much onboard with wanting them beyond “we don’t want to disappoint our parents” and “it’s the next step”, and have had many heart to heart talks about not just “having babies”, but about parenting, and what life is going to look like, and what you want it to look like, both if you have children and if you do not.

 

So, go back on the BC, and have children when you and your husband are genuinely ready for it.

 

 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by  .
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by  .
Post # 9
Member
555 posts
Busy bee

I definitely do not have baby fever and never had, but I think I know what it “feels” like. I reeeeeeaaallly wanted a dog for the past few years (I know I know-not the same yada yada yada). Whenever I saw a dog I wanted to cuddle it, I got upset when I saw that other people had one and I couldnt (landlord didn’t allow it) and I realllly felt a desire for it. When I got my doggy I was literally crying the first time I saw her. Again, with kids-i don’t have this feeling at all. I agree with PPs, the reasons you give are not really that great. Thinking about when then kids will be out of the house already is a terrible reason to have kids…Honestly, I am pretty sure you would just know thay you are ready and it doesn’t sound like you are yet.

Post # 10
Member
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

My baby fever started when I first met my husband, just over 4 years ago. But that was more romanticising pregnancy and babies, I wasn’t *really* ready.

It really hit me that I was ready when I started imagining that everywhere I went how much better it’d be if I had my child with me. Hubby and I went to a theme park and I just wished our children were there with us, excitedly running around. Or we’d go camping and Darling Husband would say how he wished our kids we there with us to go looking at insects and eat hot dogs! We just both seemed to be ready for another family member to share our lives with, and we’d talk about our children (names had already been picked) with more and more frequency.

We’re now almost 31 weeks pregnant with our first!!

Post # 11
Member
2160 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’ve had crazy baby fever ever since I was 19… I just..couldn’t imagine never having kids. I loved my child-free life, my friends, my wine.. but I also love that feeling of this little baby growing in my stomach (I’m currently 28 years old and 21 weeks pregnant). When I see cute little socks I go ‘awwww’, when I see babies on the bus my heart lurches and I feel rushes of love and maternal instinct. I can’t tell you whether you really want kids or not, I’m just saying what it feels like for me. I can’t wait to see my husband playing with our little one. The thought makes me really happy. BUT, I also know women just like you who got pregnant and suddenly their maternity gene kicked in 🙂 Look at Miranda from Sex& the City. Somewhere inside you know what’s right for you.. go with that. You can be any kind of parent you choose to be if you do go for it.

Post # 12
Member
2160 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

MrsYoshida:  You sound like me, that’s how I knew I was ready to have kids.. it suddenly felt like there was a baby missing in the kid’s room.. 

Post # 13
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Except Miranda was a fictional character; the writers of the show were responsible for how she reacted to having a child. Not really best idea to model life changing decisions off of a character on a TV series. Like I said, there are people who do regret having children, and there are mothers who do not have a “maternal gene” kick in (mothers do neglect, or abuse, or murder their own kids, for example, or simply just aren’t that interested in parenting). No writers to make those outcomes more favourable. Seems like an awful big risk for someone who is uncertain – or to suggest to someone uncertain – about having kids to get pregnant and “hope” a maternal gene kicks in, not just for self but for the child. People DO struggle with being the kind of parent they want to be, even when children are very much wanted. Someone can think baby socks are cute, and even think babies are cute, and still not want, or be ready for, actual babies or parenthood. And babies do not stay babies forever.

Semantics, but there is a difference between being childfree and childless. If you could not ever imagine not having kids, you were childless, not childfree.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by  .
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by  .
Post # 14
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

If theres any doubt my guess is you arent ready.

How old are you?

I’m 24 and I find it amusing when people ask me when i’m going to have a baby.. I still feel like a baby myself because I am still young. I hate the fact theres a pressure for young people to have children soon as they have got married. Why would I want to have children yet when I havent done everything that I want to do yet or havent done everthing me and my husband want to do. 

theres no rush for anything, enjoy your time without children because your life compeltly changes when you have them.

Post # 15
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

 

MrsYoshida:  Aww I love your story 🙂 We are currently a CBC couple but I think if we ever start leaning the opposite way it will be like you described, someone missing. Kids to show bugs or to be excitedly running around. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

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