Post # 1
So here g oes another in law post… pardon any typos but my phone has a small keyboard.
My husband and I have been married almost a year and have our biggest problem since the beginning of our relationship over four years ago. We were in our early 20s and partied a lot. Since that time we have both straightened up went back to school got jobs and what not. Thigs are going good and we grew up. I am now also six months pregnant expecting a baby girl in may.
The problem effecting our marriage is my husbands parents. My husband went through phase of acting out in his late teens and has since tried to build his relationship back up with his parents. They say he is doing better and theyvare priud ofbhim but actions speak louder. thwOrds.
When my husband went back to school hebwas so excited. He was really looking forqard to a career but his parents didn’t support this. they just wanted him to work mediocre jobs. He landed a job and instead of being proud they kept having diubts. I spent so kuch time trying to help him see how great he was at his job but one small comment from them set in doubt until ultimately he quit. Hebf another job but of course theIr doubt caused hIm to doubt hImself agaIn and lower hIs self esteem. They lecture hIm over our yard, they make hIm feel lIke hes never goIng to ammount to anythIng and now hes on the verge of gIcIng up andnsettlIng for a low pay low respect lousy job when we have a baby on the way. They are perfectly content wIth hIs downgradIng even though It means fInancIal InstabIlIty.
They are making him feel like he is never goid enough and he tries so hard to keep a positive relationship with them. Because they are treatingvhim like a failure and he is buying into it, our family will suffer. I just want to go over there andvtell them enough is enough and if they have hopes of continuing a relationship with him they will back off. They seem to want us to have financial problems sovthey can step in and treat him like a child again. Should I say something? My husband wants to keep the peace but I’m tired of it effecting my family. What would you do?
Post # 3
They may be intentionally undermining his self esteem to fill their own needs to keep him dependent.
At some point, your husband needs to make the decision that his self worth does not depend on anything his parents say or do.
Post # 4
@Mrslovebug: I think this is more about where you husband derives his self esteem than his parents being unsupportive idiots. Focus on helping him rely on their opinion less. I undesrtand you wanting to stand up for him, but he’s got to do this himself.
Post # 5
@Mrslovebug: Wow. It’s so hard to tell you what to do in this situation, but here are a few of my pointers. My brother-in-law was in the exact same situation and he finally started ignoring them and/or telling them to stop:
1) Either you, your husband, or both of you have a talk with them telling them that your husband is a grown man now and does not need their unwanted input. It’s not their place and it’s NONE of their business. I think this would be the best route to go.
2) Stop talking to them. Who wants such toxic people in their life? even if they are your parents? It’s completely uncalled for.
3) As with my brother-in-law’s parents, it sounds like your DH’s parents are jealous of him. In their minds they didn’t amount to much, so they don’t want him to, either.
4) Send DH to counseling. He needs to hear from an unbiased person that he IS worthy of these jobs and other achievements he receives in his life
5) Have a serious talk with him and tell him that especially with a baby on the way, job-hopping and mediocre jobs are definitely not optimal. He’s got to learn some self-respect and self-esteem before he is fit to raise a child. You don’t want your child witnessing her dad’s low self-esteem.
Ultimately, your DH deserves to be happy. Go back and read your text. “so excited about school”, “really looking forward to a career”. If this is what he wants, then this is WHAT HE SHOULD DO!! Who cares what his parents think? It’s not their lives!! I know your DH wants to keep the peace, but if taking up for himself is too much for his parents to handle, then they don’t deserve to be in either one of your lives. Especially not their grandkids– if they’re jealous of your DH, they’ll be jealous of the grandchild. I wouldn’t want my child around that sort of poison.
Post # 6
@julies1949: + a million. Very well-said.
Post # 7
I think the more important question is why your husband is letting his parents dictate his self esteem, and employment? He is a grown man. It is one thing to want their approval, but quitting a job because your mommy and daddy don’t like it is something teenagers do.
Post # 8
@Mrslovebug: I agree with some PPs… it sounds like your husband allows himself to be controlled by his parents. Your husband is the one who is beholden to you. This sounds like a talk you need to have between the two of you, not you with his parents. It sounds like your husband might benefit from some family therapy to learn how to become enmeshed from his family’s expectations and draw clear boundaries, internal and external.
Post # 9
You should be the one who matters most and has the most input/sway, esp when it comes to matters that affect your family life. He needs to cut the cord, be a man, and do what he thinks is right and consult with his WIFE, not with mommy and daddy. I wouldn’t put it to him in so many words, but I would sit down with him and encourage him to make decisions with you and not with his parents. If this means talking with them, have him do it. If it means cutting off communication for a while, it’s worth it. I can only see this getting worse without a major paradigm shift. Good luck OP 🙂
Post # 10
@Mrslovebug: Time for your husband to grow a backbone and take responsibility for his own actions.
Post # 11
Ouch. That really sucks. It is easy to say that your husband should ignore it and derive satisfaction from the things he is doi g and not get his self esteem from his parents… But those are pretty darN hard strings to cut away from your heart.
your husband will need to talk to them about how their behaviour makes him feel, and how it drags him down. dont expect the conversation to go perfectly. He may need to distance himself a bit from them, or declare certain topics off boundary for them And get up and walk away if they bring up money, jobs or school.