(Closed) Ready to just give up…(( rant,need advice, uber long))

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
28 posts
  • Wedding: September 2013

this does not sound like a life you want to live for the next 50 years…

Post # 5
2780 posts
Sugar bee

@Anonabee217:  I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Don’t be afraid to leave him just because its so close to the wedding. Sometimes starting over can be a good thing. It’to better to get out now when it’s easy instead of marrying him and trying for a divorce later. You deserve to be happy and if you’re not happy, get out. I wish you the best!!

Post # 6
34 posts

He sounds like an a$$. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. I was engaged to someone who wanted me to be Suzy homemaker when I’m so not. We had communication/honesty issues too. I broke it off and am so glad I did. A few years later I am now gettin married to someone who feels just perfect for me. He loves me for exactly who I am and we are open and honest with each other. when it doesn’t work it doesn’t work, and when it does, you’ll know. Best wishes. 

Post # 7
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

This sounds awful. I wouldn’t put up with this for rest of my life. You need to find a friend or family member you can live with until you get on your feet again, which shouldn’t be too difficult once you find another car.

Post # 9
9198 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Aw babe, you should be so giddy and excited to be marrying the love of your life… not this.  You know this isn’t right.  So what if you don’t have money right now?  You can go stay with family, and you can work and save up some money.  So not worth marrying into a horrible controlling depressing existence just cause you don’t have any money right now.

Post # 10
1691 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

RUN. Seriously, just leave.  He’s a douche.

Post # 11
1783 posts
Buzzing bee

From your post it sounds like you really do not want to go through with the marriage.  It’ll be hard to do at this relatively late date, but respect yourself enough to listen to the voice that is telling you not to do this.  It won’t be fun for awhile, but there ultimately will be a sliver lining – you are wiser and next time around you’ll find the right one.  

Post # 12
14496 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think being alone & broke is better than being with someone who makes me miserable and puts me down like that.  A true partner would never say it’s HIS because HE paid for it.

Post # 13
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It does sound like he is trying to cut you off from the outside world, and that is scary! Even if it weren’t for the other issues in the relationship, many abusive relationships start off with the abuser trying to separate the other person from their friends and family – and your guy wants you to get rid of your phone, stay at home all day, and not make any new friends. And he isn’t being ‘old fashioned’ about his world view- he is being an ass. The whole idea of the woman taking care of the home and her husband, and the husband in turn working hard to support the family. Even when you were working a ton he still wanted you to take care of him and the house, and now that you’re not working he wants you to take care of the home and all that for him, but then he is going to throw it in your face that it’s his house, he pays the bills, etc? That’s beyond unfair. And he doesn’t sound like someone I would want as the father of my children.

Starting over would be hard. But you can do it, you can move back to where you have family and friends, and get a new job and car and such. It won’t be easy – but neither will living the rest of your life with and having kids with someone who treats you this way. The difference is that if you leave now, it will be really hard to do but in a couple of years you’re going to be happier and glad that you did it. If you stay it’s still hard right now, but in the future it’s probably going to get worse and you’re going to be even more unhappy. I’m sorry you’re having to make that choice, but I hope you make the brave one that may be harder now but will give you a better future.

Post # 14
301 posts
Helper bee

While it’s fine to have more “traditional” gender roles of husband being breadwinner and wife being home maker, it’s really tough on the wife if she has to work and cook and clean. They call the homemaking part working the second shift and it’s really tough. You may want to talk with your Fiance about what he wants your marriage to look like. You are very unhappy now and if this is what he wants your roles to be, it probably won’t work. I lived with a couple with a similar situation. Her car got totalled and she didn’t have a job so she was at home all day, getting more and more depressed. He’d get angry at her because he thought since she was home all day, she should have been doing the cooking and cleaning. She was so depressed she didn’t do anything. He didn’t want her taking the bus and there was nothing she could walk to. 

This may be a power trip for him arising from insecurities. if he is scared you will leave him, one way it can show is if he tries to cut you off from the rest of the world and dependent on him. Sure, it may make him feel needed, but it will destroy your independence, self esteem and relationship. You need to be absolutely sure you two communicate well and you can trust him, because you will depend on him for money, food, and a home. If he is manipulative, like my old roommate, he can and will threaten you with taking those away, eg “This is MY house.” It’s like living with your parents again, when they pull that my house, my rules business. My advice is to talk to him and stick up for yourself. Do not subvert yourself and lose your identity for him, or anyone. He has to understand that if you’re going to be in a partnership, you need to be equals. You won’t tolerate him trying to control you or threaten you.

Post # 15
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Leave. It’s not going to get better.

Post # 16
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Anonabee217:  This post honestly made me so sad.  I think you answered your own question when you said “I think this is what settling is…” and “I kinda feel like I should have left a long time ago…” and “I don’t know if I can honestly say I want to spend the rest of my life with him…

When you’re getting ready to marry someone, it’s normal to feel a lot of different emotions.  It’s not normal to have an overwhelming feeling that you’re not making the right decision in marrying them, though.

I know every woman is different, but I couldn’t do the stay at home wife/mother thing.  I just couldn’t.  If that makes you happy, that’s great … But there’s obviously a lot more going on here.  Even if you’re okay with being a stay at home wife/mother, you should never feel as though you’re being cut off from the world.  Your fiance clearly has some control issues, and trust me when I say this … It will never get any better.

You have to do the right thing for yourself.  In this case, it’s leaving.  I understand being terrified at the prospect of having no car, no job, no money, etc. and turning your entire life upside down, but you have to do this for yourself.  Do you have any family or close friends you could stay with for a while until you get back on your feet?  (I really hope the answer is yes.)

It sounds as though you’ve already been seriously considering breaking things off.  You need to listen to your gut.  Please please please do not go through with the wedding.

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