Ready, waiting & anxious about it

posted 5 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
666 posts
Busy bee

Welcome to the Boards, Bee. This is usually everyone’s first post…. why am I waiting and how do I chill.

You are not crazy. 

Your feelings are valid.

You need to have another conversation and iron out a timeline: when would you like to be engaged by (hard and fast date… “next year” means by Dec. 31, 2021…)? when do you want to be married by? What life goals do you want to achieve in the next five years?

You’ve been together for 6 years. You should be able to take that active role in your future. Just have the conversation. 

Post # 3
Member
2792 posts
Sugar bee

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@catierh3:  I don’t know how old you and your boyfriend are, but after 6 years, he needs to be more upfront. That’s a long time to be with someone without a commitment. First thing is communication. You don’t need to chill out, you need to be open with your wants and needs from the relationship early on instead of holding onto it and hoping your partner magically wants the same things. I also find it concerning there were tears during your first conversation about it. Why was that? Was he reluctant or making excuses and that made you upset?

Also, don’t even think about his parent’s divorce. That has no bearing. There are so many people who get married who have divorced parents. I can’t tell you how many times we see that tired excuse thrown around on these boards. 

Post # 4
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2021

I’m read all these treads a lot and see people wanting to leave all the time. There is so much stress that goes with getting married/ wedding planning. Maybe he needs to save money for a ring or he doesn’t know what you would like if he agreed to propose then all you can do is wait and see. It’s only been 2 months when you told him that you would wait a few, which in guy terms usually means more than 2 months. Also depends on where he’s getting it from it will take a little while to be made and shipped especially with Christmas around the corner and COVID as well. It took my fiancé 2 years to save enough for my ring and I even gave him a little extra so I could get better quality diamond than he could afford. I didn’t even get a proposal surprise because I was so adamant about getting engaged ASAP. I went and picked up my own ring at fedex and brought the package home for him to open the box and propose while I was sitting in bed next to him. Give him a little bit of time to plan or save. Don’t ruin this moment like I did. 

Post # 5
Hostess
5029 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2016

View original reply
@CooperandLillysmom:  That’s a different situation though; it sounds like OP is not sure whether she and her boyfriend are even on the same page about marriage if their only conversation about marriage went poorly.  

OP, you’re anxious because you don’t know whether you’re on the same page, right?  You didn’t include many details about your October conversation, but it sounds like he didn’t share a similar view of your timeline/future?  I would be anxious too if that is how my marriage conversations had gone.  It sounds to me like you need to have another conversation and say that you were glad the two of you spoke earlier and that he said “months, not years” but that you still feel anxious and would like to talk a more about what he means by that.  Tell him that when you hear “months” you envision the two of you engaged by (x time, maybe Summer 2021?) and married by (x timeframe, maybe Summer 2022).  These timeframes are totally up to you, I just put random ones in there.  See how he reacts.  If he really does want to be engaged “soon” hearing a time 6-8 months from now should be met with excitment, not defensiveness.  This is your future OP; it is ok (more than ok!!!) to have an active role in it. 

Post # 6
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2021

View original reply
@missinthecity:  agreed we definitely need more about that conversation! I thought he agreed to a few months then but if he didn’t then OP talk to him again! Don’t waste more time if he will never want to get married and you do! 

Post # 7
Member
1265 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

You just moved in together four months ago and just brought up marriage in October. That isn’t very long.

“I will admit it’s been hard seeing people we know and love be in relationships in less time then we have, and moving forward in their relationship.” I used to think like this but, engagement, moving forward and the amount of time together says nothing about the quality and happiness in a relationship. There are people together and unmarried for 18 years that are happier than the married couple next door. The status or title of a relationship says nothing of the love and compatibility involved.

You are moving forward in the relationship, you just moved in together and discussed getting married. By all accounts, you will get engaged and married. If you have the rest of your lives together getting engaged in December or May really makes no difference in the scheme of a lifetime. If he is your forever person, he is your forever person and you are together and living together and happy as you will be whenever he proposes and you get married.

If you need clarity ask him, “You know how we talked about getting engaged soon, do you need help picking a ring or my ring size?” Open up the doors to a conversation. “Are you thinking this year?”

 

Post # 8
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

Calm down. Everything is fine. He said he wants to marry you, be with you, grow old with you, and would propose within several months. Trust him, and trust yourself. Moving in together is a big step, you are on the right timeline. With my fiancé, I let him know that I wanted to marry him 6 months into our relationship. We moved in together less than a year later, had a few tearful “i still want to marry you” at the end of arguments, and he proposed 7 months after living together. His parents’ divorce is irrelevant. If he says he wants to marry you, that means he’s over it. My fiancé had a messy divorce too, but because he loves me & wants to be with me, he got over it. Your bf has not given you reason to doubt him. 4-6 months is totally reasonable from deciding to propose to actually doing it. He may also need time to save for a ring.

Post # 9
Member
10428 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
@catierh3:  

l would make sure he knows that you would rather have a modest ring and ceremony sooner rather than wait years more to spend more money ( assuming that’s true). I know you have only just moved in together, but unless you are finding this to be seriously stressful, l don’t see why this should preclude a focussed, honest conversation about the actual number of months to engagement and marriage you would ideally like. Elodie above has a good opener. Don’t faff about being delicate and careful, be honest , this is your joint life, not his that you are being allowed into 

l agree with pps, his parents divorce is neither here nor there. 

Post # 10
Member
643 posts
Busy bee

Why don’t you say to him what you said to us? He’s the one that can truly take care of you emotionally during this. 

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