(Closed) Real advice to the newly engaged….

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m sorry things have been so hard for you, but I have to say that you are speaking in absolutes.  Not every situation will be like this for every bride.

Yes, we all need to be realistic about our expectiations for our weddings, but as long as we do that, we won’t fall so hard when things don’t always work out. Your experiences may enlighten some newly engaged girls as to the things they can be prepared for, but they shouldn’t scare them into being defensive and worried about the planning process.

Post # 4
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’m sorry your planning hasn’t been what you hoped.  Do you think taking a break from thinking about your to-do list might help?  It’s amazing what dinner, a movie and no wedding talk can do to restore sanity.

Post # 5
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I have to agree with mcnetn3 I’m SO sorry you have had such a hard time, and agree a LOT of people struggle with the same things you do. BUT, every family is different, every couple is different, so no everyone will experience things exactly this way. Some girls have a big budget (not me!). Some girls have amazing families that left the guest list 110% up to the couple (me! me! thanks mom!). It’s definitely a good idea for people to know coming into it that there will be struggles, but people certainly don’t need to expect the worst.

anyway – Hopefully after your wedding you’ll feel like it was all worth it. Good luck!

Post # 7
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I’d say the biggest downer for me has been budget. I’ve had a very VERY hard time sticking to my budget and it feels like pulling teeth to get things booked. It’s just kind of depressing that all of my decisions are ruled by money. 

Other than that though its not been bad. The venue search was the worst and i hated it because it was SO hard to find what we wanted for what we could afford… but the rest of it has been somewhere between “fine” and “fun.” 

Post # 8
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I agree with the other posters: I am sorry that you have had these problems, but not everyone will. If you make your budget beginning with a realistic idea of what things cost in your region, you will be less likely to go over budget. If your budgeted prices for wedding things is less than the standard in your area, you will have to work to keep things in budget.

I know I am in the minority here, but I also did not find it necessary to budge on my guest list and to invite anyone that my husband and I did not want to invite. We paid for the wedding ourselves, and thus we did what we wanted. Our families respected that. If someone else is holding the purse strings it is likely that they will want some control, and the only way to get total control over your wedding is to pay for it yourself. It’s hard to have things both ways—getting financial help from someone else, but still not wanting them to have a say. I know that some people’s families will still try to meddle even if the families are not paying, but at least it is easier to say NO in that situation!

But I agree 110% that you will never be able to make everyone happy! Especially with a wedding, where so many people have so many strong feelings.

Post # 9
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I have to agree to some extent with the OP.  Granted it won’t be as bad as OP made it sound but you will fight with your Fiance during your wedding planning, you WILL have to forgo things that are not in your budget, you WILL have to compromise about stuff that other people want and you will NOT be able to please everyone. 

As my dad told me (roughly translated from Chinese), “wedding planning is a step in life.  It will prepare you with skills to deal with things in the future.”  So yes, it will be hard but I heard marriage is hard also.  But there are some good things that could come out too like learning a lot more about how my Fiance handles stressful situations and we bonded over wedding things.

Post # 10
489 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

What happened in the past two days to get you so down?  Sorry its been so bad, it can get frustrating!


Post # 11
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Thanks for sharing  this!

Post # 12
2288 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I’ve been very lucky in that I’ve enjoyed wedding planning. But we’re also paying for this ourselves and have supportive families. I have had to put my foot down a few times, and I’ve gotten really stressed out over certain points, but everyone has been respecting our decisions.

Along the lines of what Shoppingdixie said, I’ve found wedding planning to be an excellent lesson in diplomacy.

Post # 14
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

While I agree with some of what you’re saying, I do not agree this is the same for every bride-to-be. For example, I agree that your wedding is not in any way about you. Yes, your names are on the invitations as the people getting married, but that’s honestly where it stops.

This wasn’t ever a disappointment for me though, because I had a very different attitude from the get-go. I guess I was expecting this and realized it was more of a family gathering than a wedding. Even the things we cared most about we let go of because we knew it wasn’t about us. Sure we got to pick out the cake flavor and the invitations, but that’s pretty much where it ended.

And I agree with you to add $1,000 to everything or at least double your estimate in order to make a more realistic budget. Everything is more expensive than it seems once it’s for a wedding. Even though our parents paid for most of it, we had to give up on a lot of things we wanted because of budget and compromise in a lot of areas. Even with a big budget we had to do this. But I foudn the most comfort in sitting back and letting my wedding grow from a seed into a garden with the help and input and decision making of our parents. Yes it was their dream wedding instead of ours, but that kind of made it more special at the end of the day.

Post # 15
1553 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

While everyone won’t have the same problems as whao1225, her story is a reality check for a lot of us.  Wedding planning is stressful and it is not all fun all the time..which sometimes comes as a shock.

I can remember when I was planning, the first thing my mother said to me is, “This is NOT about you.  It is not about you and him.  A wedding is a family event and is about two famililes coming together.”  So I wanted a small, intimate wedding….nope wasn’t happening.  I don’t know that I totally agree with that persepective (though I understand it), but it really helped me while planning to have in the back of my mind that a lot of family members DO see it that way..which is why they are SO outspoken about how they feel things should be.

Post # 16
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I have to say that I had as much trouble with my wedding as the OP did. It’s hard, and everyone makes it out to seem like it should be the happiest time of your life, when a lot of times, it’s the most stressful. No, not everyone’s family is like this and no, not everyone will have a stressful time. But it certainly wasn’t the unicorns and rainbows everyone made it out to seem like to me.

I also lost weight b/c of stress, got an earful from my mom every single day and just couldn’t please everyone. At the end of the process, I was more than relieved for my wedding to be over and done with and to be on my honeymoon. That’s how stressed I was.

So @whao1225: I totally feel for you and know exactly how you feel about all of this. It IS a stressful process, and a lot of people make it about them and not you. The good news is, you only have about a month to go…so hang in there, and the honeymoon will be the best vacation you ever had!

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