(Closed) Realistic Expectations vs. Doubt

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

When I was younger I thought my then H and I had everything it took to make it right.  Afterall we had two sets of parents that were still married, we had friendship, common interests and fun (more than what the parents had), so we were golden!

I failed to see how both sets of marriaes were riddled with emotional abuse (ex went on to be an emotional abuser as well like his father).  I went through a HUGE journey of what it means to be an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA) and how I inadvertently chose my ex.  Everything made sense.  I don’t know if I would have gone on that journey without taking ths particular path.  I’m glad I took the path because I learned so much about marraige and relationships.  

We divorced (my doing), I had lots of therapy, read lots of books on love, marriage, etc.

Turns out I was very clueless back when I married at age 25.  I feel it’s much different this time at age 35.  So yes, I can understand your worries.  Nothing is 100% certain.  All relationships do end – either by death or someone leaving.  

It all really hignes on what partner you choose to marry really.  I used think it was mostly luck.  Good marriages were just kind of rare!  Silly me, luck is not a factor.

Post # 5
Member
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@csteen85:  FH and I have both struggled with this. Both of our fathers are currently married to their third wives, and both our mothers have been divorced twice- my mom actually just got engaged. Neither of us has a lot to believe in as far as marriage is concerned, for lack of proper examples, and it took both of us a lot of thinking to get on board with the idea! We talk a lot about how we don’t want what our parents have done, so we are getting married for real. Of course, there are no guarantees, but we got this far (4 years, a house, a kid) because we really believe on our relationship.

Post # 6
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think it was lucky that I found my Fiance at the age I was in a town that is 75% Mormon and the non-Mormon dating pool was slim.  That was lucky.

 

But how good we have it and our happiness won’t be luck.

This was a good book.  Good if you don’t have any of the fatal flags in the relationship.

5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great

Post # 7
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I have been married for 29 years and I can tell you it not about luck it’s about hard work. Friendship is key because everything else changes over time. It sounds like you have a good foundation you just have to keep working at it.

Post # 9
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

This is a really good, and honest post, because I think it is something many people feel, and certainly something that should be discussed before entering into a marriage.  I think it means you are grounded in your relationship, and reality, whereas believing that everything is perfect, life will be perfect, and a marriage will be perfect can be setting one up for a lot of heartache.

The truth is marriage does not gurantee a blissful life, or stop ‘life’ from happening.  What it does establish is a partnership, of which ideally you work HARD to keep it healthy, even when things get in the way.  I cannot sit here and honestly type that would NEVER get divorced.  That is not the same as saying that I will not fight my hardest at all times, and that I will not try my hardest every day.  And with that said, I would require my partner in marriage to have the same convictions!!  I would require my partner in marriage to share my beliefs that marriage is entered into with the goal that we will work together – and work thru (as hard as we possible can) anything that comes our way.  We will do this using tools, such as, open communication, honesty, trust, dedication, loyalty, unselfishness, etc.  Knowing that looks will/may fade, intimacy may lapse, temptations may arise, kids may change our priorities, jobs may be lost, deaths will occur of those close to us, etc. 

I *think* that if I promise myself these things, and my partner does as well, we have laid the ground work for our marriage.  We have prepared ourselves as best we can for what is to come, knowing that we cannot predict what may come.  That is my realistic expectation, and certainly, it can scare the hell out of me from time to time!!

Post # 11
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@csteen85:  Because media, statistics, ‘others’ stories will tell you that there is higher liklihood it WILL NOT work, but you know what?!  Everyone’s stories are different!!  There is no ‘set’ guideline for a marriage, except the guidelines that two people entering into it make for one another.  If you are confident in your love, and your desire to get thru ANYTHING, and your Fiance is confident of the same things, and you have established your equations for working thru potential issues, then that is all the matters!!  Whereas you have established unacceptable boundaries, such as abuse and cheating, other couples may have a different idea of how they would work thru such things.

My parents were divorced, after years of hardships.  The main reason…MONEY!  That opened my eyes to something that I know I need to have set boundaries for when I enter into marriage.  Finances – how we save, how we spend, the things that we find important to spend on, etc.  After watching my mom struggle to get back on her feet, and watching the people that my parents are today, I can say – without a doubt – that their divorce was better for them in the end, and for us as their children!  Sad, but true.  However, it was thru their divorce that an example was given to me to learn from as well!! 

Having support of those around is huge!!  It will help when things *maybe* get tough, and should give you a sigh of relief.  I really, truly think you are doing all you can to prepare yourself.  Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

You know, you always hear the “marriage takes hard work, marriage is hard” but somoeone really needs to explain that to young people when they are dating what exactly is hard work and what is hard work you need to walk away from (verbal abuse, physical abuse, addiction, the kind of guy that makes you want to pull all your hair out).  I – who had such poor role models – had a different sort of “hard work” set in my brain and it really set me up for picking a poor partner for me, all beacuse I thought that was the normal hard work that everyone talked about.  It wasn’t!

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