- 4 years ago
- Wedding: November 2014
I realized recently that I still resent FI for making me wait… I also realize I need to get over it, forgive him, and move forward- any advice for that?
Back story (I’ll try to keep it short):
I was a waiting bee for longer than I wanted and longer than FI promised. SO promised we would be engaged by X date. Then Y date. It didn’t happen. Eventually, we got engaged 10 months after he had originally promised. I knew it was happening on our trip and picked out the ring so there wasn’t going to be much of a surprise, but FI (who is never romantic) blew me away. And we had an AMAZING proposal (sweet cards/gifts, manicure, new dress, horse and carriage followed by surprise engagement photoshoot and romantic private 5 course dinner in a gazebo on the beach in Cancun AMAZING). I instantly felt so happy to be marrying the love of my life and moving forward with our relationship together. All the feelings of resentment, hurt, and bitterness went away like magic.
But the other day, I started feeling the resentment again! I feel like waiting longer than we had planned keeps haunting me. It has had a domino effect onto (seemingly) everything and snowballed into hurt feelings and resentment.
First, it was our wedding date. We wanted to get married on our dating anniversary in May 2014, but my little sister got engaged first and set her date for that month. My parents asked me to have a 6 month gap between weddings. Now we are getting married in November 2014, and I’m petrified it will rain (it’s an outdoor venue). These things happen though.
I had accepted a job across the country for 1 year over a year in advance- when I took it, I explained we should get engaged soon and start planning the wedding ASAP so the big things get done before I move away. FI proposed 7 months after I took the job and I had 5 months left in town. That may not sound like a big deal, but I was studying for law school final exams, studying for the bar, and taking the bar exam for 4.5 out of those 5 months. Most people who plan a wedding while studying for the bar fail (and the pass rate is only 50-ish % anyway) so we agreed no wedding planning could occur while I prepared. I explained all of this to him when I took the job.
After my exam, I tried to make the best of it. I squeezed in an hour at one bridal show, one venue visit, and 3 dress shopping appointments into the week I had in August before I moved. Then all of a sudden the venue we visited had booked both weddings we wanted in November, so we quickly booked the 3rd Saturday, and the chance of rain is slightly higher and it stresses me out- why pay over $100/person at a garden venue if you can’t go outside IN THE GARDEN and you are stuck in the same room for the ceremony, cocktail hour, and reception? But at least we have a venue/caterer. I had a wedding planning apt via skype and interviewed photogs on facetime, skype, and over the phone. I was dealing with it- it wasn’t ideal, but I was making it work. Lately, though, I started having a rough time.
Lately, I feel a pang of jealousy when people get engaged who have been together half as long as we have. I (completely illogically) wonder what I did wrong and how inferior I must be and how much more this man must love his lucky wife to be. I wish my FI loved me that much. Ridiculous, I know. Comparison is the thief of joy.
Then I realized I really needed to order a dress soon, but that I had no one to go dress shopping with out here. I applied to be on SYTTD Atlanta- my close friends and family said they would fly out and help me go dress shopping. After my final interview, I was told I wasn’t selected. And since I wouldn’t be on the show, my friends and family weren’t planning on flying out anymore. I guess it’s not worth flying out if you aren’t on TV? Thanks a lot. FI’s sister is a 3 hour drive from me and she had volunteered to go shopping with me, but she has a high risk pregnancy and can’t be more than 2 hours from her hospital and now she’s not really up for shopping trips (which I understand). But 2 of my BMs were planning on visiting so we were going to go, but then had to cancel for money reasons (which I totally understand). So then I realized I would be dress shopping alone. I tried a Skype dress shopping apt, but it was awkward and blurry so no one could see the dresses anyway. Lots of bees told me they went dress shopping alone and it was a good experience, but most of them came back with their moms or other VIPs before they ordered the dress. I tried to keep a good attitude about dress shopping alone, but I just wanted to be surrounded by family and friends. An extra consultant volunteered to be my mom at one salon- she meant well but it made me feel worse. At another place, the two girls there just gossiped and they made no effort to give good customer service or a quality experience. I realized I wouldn’t have ANYONE there and I would never have that moment… and I cried and threw myself a pity party to end all pity parties.
I realized would miss out on a lot of bridal experiences. I completely understand that this may seem completely ridiculous, but I am a dream about your wedding since age 3 girly-girl who my friends call the “27 Dresses” girl. I was the “wedding planner” for a friend’s wedding my freshmen year of college. I loved it. I helped all my friends with all things wedding. We went to tons bridal shows (and won prizes), I helped them call vendors, visit venues, do dress shopping, taste cake- it was so fun. It is also work sometimes- like helping to hand-make invitations, address invitations, making flower girl baskets, ring pillows, doing hair trials, making a veil from scratch and doing the beading by hand (I’ve done 4), and I even sewed 6 BM dresses (satin with organza overlay and they were all lined). But I liked helping my friends and knew it would be my turn… one day.
So the pity party continues and I am PMSing of course and I just want to say yes to the dress surrounded by people I love, go to bridal shows, enter contests, get ideas from vendor displays, meet photographers in person, go BM dress shopping with the BMs, taste wedding cake, go to a catering tasting, flip through wedding magazines with my friends, work on DIY projects with my BMs. Planning a wedding in solitude is not how I thought all this would happen. I felt alone and sad and pathetic. And I thought- well- I told SO that this would happen and the timing is tight! If he had proposed earlier, we would have our dream date and wouldn’t worry about rain, I could have gone to bridal shows, maybe won a gift basket (or a honeymoon!), I could have met with vendors, and I could have found my wedding dress with family and friends like shows on TV tell me that I’m supposed to! I wondered if I would burst into tears every time SYTTD came on from now on because I will never have that experience, that memory. Emotionally, I blamed my amazing FI for every less-than-ideal situation I was dealing with and every imagined lost opportunity because if he had proposed sooner, it might not have happened. I realize that’s unfair to him. And thinking logically, there are a lot of intervening events- I’m the one who decided to take this job that sent me thousands of miles away!
I want to truly forgive my SO for breaking his promise to me and taking an extra 10 months to propose. I don’t want to blame him for anything in my head, and I especially don’t want to blame him for anything out loud. I thought I was over this, but apparently not. He’s an incredible man and it’s not fair for me to hold a grudge- it’s not like he did it to be malicious. It’s just hard when I am alone and away from my support system so everything is exacerbated and there are seemingly unending negative consequences because of timing and I’m missing out on “once in a lifetime” experiences I have been looking forward to for so long. If you read all that, then thank you- so much for keeping it short- I just really need to get it all out.
Has anyone experienced something similar? Anyone have any constructive advice that doesn’t make me feel like the most ungrateful and hateful FI ever?