(Closed) Realized I still resent FI for the long wait :(

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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@HeartsandSparkles: I get why you’re stressed and frustrated. I was with my fiancé for over 5 years before he proposed – we’re both in our early 30s.

So I get how it feels to watch others seemingly get the fairytale while you’ve had to wait for and work hard for your relationship to progress. I know people who met, married, and divorced in the period of time while we dated – and I have also seen enough failed relationships to know that how quickly a guy proposes often doesn’t mean crap in the long run. There is no fairytale, and being “madly in love” doesn’t ensure a lasting marriage. What matters is the couple’s ability to work through problems as a loving, supportive team together in life. I think you know that too.

Please try and work past the resentment – it will only damage what sounds like an otherwise happy and loving relationship. 

Post # 19
Member
2871 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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@HeartsandSparkles:  um, wow. If Fiance quit one day out of the blue without consulting me and then ran into financial trouble, I’d have a problem with it. My problem would be that he made a unilateral decision that affected me without a discussion. 

Maybe your resentment stems from that as well? Otherwise, the rest sounds good. You’re doing what you can and yeah, distributed families are hard – mine’s across 5 cities and three time zones!

Post # 20
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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@HeartsandSparkles:  I would be far more concerned over the fact that my fiancé abruptly quit his job without another one lined up, blew through his savings, and then had me bail him out than I would be about being turned down on SYTTD and rain on my wedding day.

 

Post # 22
Member
782 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

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@HeartsandSparkles:  Sorry.. I just read what you already said to others about May 2015.

Thats a dumb reason to not push it back honestly. Your feelings need to be heard too.

Grooms don’t usually do much with the wedding other than show up and get married (not all, but most).

Tell him you need to push it back because you’re stressed out. You want the full wedding planning experience and you aren’t going to get it by getting married in November. He may not understand because he hasn’t been dreaming about suit shopping with his dad and bestfriends all his life. It’s only 6 more months after, and 8 months before the wedding is a perfect time for you to go dress shopping with your Mom and Bestfriends.

I would change the date. It would literally fix all your stresses. Plus, it’s your dating anniversary… he’ll have to deal with it because he proposed 10 months *after*his promised date.

I might be blunt but I think his “doesn’t want to wait” is NOT as valid as “I want to push the wedding back another 6 months so I can try on my wedding dress with my mom and bestfriends, meet our vendors and have our wedding date on our dating anniversary”.

It’s just ridiculous. You are stressed out, he should say “Okay babe, lets push it back so you can have the wedding of your dreams” Whats the huge rush right? He waited 10 extra months to propose, he can deal with it.

Post # 23
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@HeartsandSparkles:  I think it is silly to be resentful.  He only made you wait 10 months, he did propose as promised.  Planning a wedding isnt meant to be easy, I am sure most people on this site have issues and frustrations booking venues, catering, changing dates etc. You just have to figure out a way out to make it work and if your concerned about the rain then push the wedding back, if your SO wants to be married quickly explain the issues you are having and why it makes more sense to wait until early 2015.  But being vocally resentful only causes arguments which inturn only causes unneeded stress.

Post # 24
Member
3051 posts
Sugar bee

1.  Assuming that this is just resentment about the wedding being delayed.

You are marrying a man not a wedding.  It’s the wedding ceremony that is important not the rest of the event.  Remember that the guest list, the dress, the trinkets, the meal, the dance, the bridesmaids, the maid of honour, the outfits, the confetti, the glitz, and glamour are not essential to marrying a wonderful man.

If you are marrying the person you consider to be the most wonderful man in the world why do you need to be jealous of anyone else?  Other people can have the most ostentious and impressive event but the men that they are marrying will merely be second best.

The important thing is not when you marry but the fact that you do marry.  Okay, wedding plans have been delayed but maybe your new date is the right time, when you are both ready to be married.

2.  Assuming that there is some other cause of the way you are feeling.

If there are issues of broken promises, debt, giving up a job without consulting you then you need to talk to your Fiance about this.  It is important that you trust each other and that you consult each other about everything in future.  Once you are married you are a team in every way.

3.  Assuming that the fairytale wedding is achievable.

Make sure that this is a fairytale wedding not only for you but your future husband.  What elements would he like to take place during the day?  Are there things that he could organise? 

4.  Assuming that the fairytale wedding is a myth

Concentrate on your wedding ceremony.  Choose a few things that you really would like to go well e.g. lovely dress, tasty meal, friends and family around you.  If these go well the rest won’t seem as important.

Post # 25
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Sorry OP, not sure if I’m PMSing too or what but I’m not sure that my reply will help you get over your feelings of resentment to your Fiance.

Honestly, I would push your wedding date back. Set it for May – that’s only a wait of 6 months. 4 months short of what he made you wait. What happens if it rains on your wedding day? Will you ever be able to not blame that on him?

Yeah, sure, it was an amazing proposal, but I’d be more pissed that he quit his job with no forethought, no backup plan and no communication with you. I am guessing that you guys have now dealt with that issue together, but if he can snap that quickly on such big issues…that’s what would worry me more than broken promises. But on that now, he obviously has a giant ego because he promised you something and then, rather than telling you outright that he couldn’t fulfil that promise, he just let it slide. 

Look, paying for the ring himself was important to him, quitting his job was important, making you wait was important – well it’s important to YOU that you get to experience all of these wedding events with the ones you love. This time HE can suck it up and accept a later wedding date. It will give you all more time to save and I’m sure your family will appreciate the time to recover from your sister’s wedding. 

On a slightly different note, why don’t you fly to your hometown to go dress shopping? Wouldn’t that make it easier to be around those you love?

Post # 26
Member
3370 posts
Sugar bee

@HeartsandSparkles:  I have nothing to offer, except that I get every lonely, self pitying feeling you have. I’m planning my wedding alone too. It sucks. You’re not alone.

ETA: I think it’s not just a simple case of resentment. Everything is piling up and each thing making the others seem worse. It’s a compound situation. It’s understandable that you’re feeling crappy. Give yourself a break.

Post # 27
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think the problem here is that you have this idealized image of wedding planning and now that reality has set in you are trying to blame that reality on the one tangible reason you can think of for the discrepancy between your fantasy and reality.  But the truth is that wedding planning and dress shopping is not what you see on tv shows and in your 6 year old mind’s dreams.  It is fun at times and at times it is not.  When we build things up in our head for that long, we are almost always let down by reality.  Trust me, if your Fiance had proposed 10 months ago you might not have the same issues, but there would be something about your wedding planning experience that would not be how you envisioned…maybe you would go dress shopping with people and you would find them critical of your choices.  Who knows!  Just enjoy the moment as it is, not what you think it should have been.  Best of luck to you in the rest of your planning!

Post # 28
Member
230 posts
Helper bee

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@HeartsandSparkles:  Wait, wait – the man you’re going to spend your life with quit his job on a whim without discussing it with you, blew through his saves, then had to borrow from you to support himself? That seems like a MUCH bigger deal than postponing the proposal. Good lord.

Post # 29
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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@Brittanyg20:  all of this

 

Don’t gloss over the fact that he just said YOLO and quit his job.  I would be really upset/worried/angry about that more than anything else. 

It’s okay to put your feelings first, push the wedding back so you can do all of the things you want to do.  He didn’t have a problem putting his feelings first and making you wait now did he?  You have a legit reason and I don’t find it petty whatsoever. 

 

 

 

Post # 30
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

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@Moraz:  +1

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@HeartsandSparkles:  I think you and your Fiance need premarital counseling, asap.  Not just for your resentment, but for the fact that he would do something as rash as quit his job w/o telling you and then not even have a plan B to support himself.

As for your resentment, I’m a bit concerned that you’re allowing your Fiance to call all the shots here.  He quit his job w/o telling you, delayed your proposal, and now won’t let you set a wedding date in the season when you really want to get married??  That’s not how life-changing decisions are made.  You’re supposed to be a *team.*  You should have agreed on when to get engaged (and he shouldn’t have, uh, quit his job w/o telling you and delayed the decision to get engaged) and you should have agreed on a wedding date that you both feel comfortable with.  You’re letting your Fiance have a whole lot of control over your life right now — when you get engaged, how to spend your money (since he quit his job and you had to give him mney!!!), when you get married, etc.  You deserve to stand up for yourself and come to these decisions as partners.

Post # 31
Member
2836 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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@HeartsandSparkles:  I don’t get how it’s hard to just let it go when it’s part of your personality.  

Today- we realized our brand new Honda has to go in for servicing (we’ve had it less than three weeks!!)– and I have a hard time just sitting back and relaxing until it gets looked at and repaired.  

 

And your Maid/Matron of Honor was totally right– there is NEVER a “perfect” time to do ANY of those things– there are always things that get in the way!!  So embrace it girl!!

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