(Closed) Realized I still resent FI for the long wait :(

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 37
Member
2448 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@HeartsandSparkles:  Also, I know some people will blame him because he broke a promise to be engaged by a certain date but if he didn’t propose because he didn’t feel ready, that is probably not a promise he should have made. You can’t predict when you will feel ready.  I do think though that since he took his time, you have the absolute right to ask for 2015.  He’ll get over it.

Post # 38
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I guess I don’t see how you can brag about this perfect proposal when you paid for the entire thing? Seems like dress shopping is the least of your worries. 

Post # 40
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I think I would feel the same way you do, because I can tell you are not really mad at your fiance in a deep way, just frustrated given your current difficulties in planning your wedding. You and your fiance both made big decisions to postpone the engagement (him), to move across the country (you), to postpone planning until after the bar (both of you), to have the wedding in November (both of you, based on your parents’ request). You all had good reasons for all of these decisions, but it is only you who have to deal with the major consequence of wedding planning long distance, and it therefore being much harder and less fun than if you were doing it in your own town a year ago. But I think you can still find ways to make it fun. Not just doable, which hiring a wedding planner will achieve, but fun! I think the trick would be to make sure the parts of the wedding planning you were looking forward to are still a fun weekend in San Diego.

From your original post, it sounds like the thing that frustrates you most is the wedding dress shopping. Given that you live so far away from your family, and that your family and friends are now scattered around, I think you won’t get to have the big group experience, but are some solutions to your dilemma. The big group experience can often backfire, anyway.  Figure out which 1 or 2 people who live closest to San Diego would be the absolute most helpful and excited to watch you try on dresses for several hours and would give you nice feedback, and plan a fun San Diego weekend with them when you can get a weekend away. Since most people won’t be able to be there, email your friends and family which stores you will go to, and ask them to suggest 1 or 2 dresses for you to try on (if the store has a huge selection, you might want to indicate your favorite style or collection to make things easier on them). IF the store allows photos, you can send them all the photos and either make a poll, or just show them your final choice. If the store doesn’t allow photos, you could still send them your top 3 or your final pick. 

Plan specific weekends in San Diego to do the fun stuff, and outsource as much of the boring stuff as you can to the wedding planner and your fiance, unless you can do it remotely.

 

Post # 41
Member
702 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@HeartsandSparkles:  first of all: I’ve been there, too. My SO proposed to me after we’d been together for more than 7,5 years. I was so excited but also a bit bummed because it was the *wrong* timing. Now that he finally did propose, I didn’t want to wait too long to get married because a child was on the way and that plus some other changes (an apartment we bought) meant quite significant tax changes if we got married last year. On the other hand, I didn’t wanna get married with a huge bump – not how I had pictures myself looking on my big day. 

We did end up getting married on our 8 year anniversary with just parents, siblings and witnesses. That was 6 days before our daughter was born. We’ll have the church wedding an reception this year on our 9 year anniversary (which is a Saturday so works out super). 

i still feel like: damn, I have to lose all the pregnancy pounds plus all the rest that I wanted to shed without being able to properly diet due to breast feeding. So yeah, basically my resentment came from not being able to look as pretty as I had always wanted to On my big day haha. 

But at the end, it doesn’t really help, does it? I’ve got a wonderful man and I’d rather live with him my whole life being not married than being married to a guy that purposes after one year but simply is not the best man in the world. 

So try to put into perspective what’s important to you. Also to me you can’t really be upset about the “broken promise”, but this May also be a cultural thing. Here, whenever someone decides to propose, he will. You don’t discuss beforehand when that going to happen. Unheard of. So I don’t get this. But it seems like he wasn’t ready to propose, which might have all to do with him and none with you (DH always felt getting married was for old people and he still felt so young haha). 

I would also feel sad about not being able to do all the “bride-sy” stuff but I’m with the other bees here. I think there is such a simple solution. Just move the date to May 15. He doesn’t like it? Well neither do you like nob 14. So you’ll have to find a solution that works for both of you. There are plenty of good reasons not to have it in nob but none as far as I can see against May 15. Other than him not wanting to wait any longer. Well guess hat she wouldn’t have needed to if he had gotten his act together sooner. So now that he waited that long to propose, that’s what happens to the wedding date – it will naturally also take place later than planned. 

 

Post # 42
Member
1762 posts
Buzzing bee

@HeartsandSparkles:  I might have missed this because many of the responses were very long, but did your Fiance ever explain why he made you wait? If you two habe been together for a long time and there weren’t any financial barriers to getting a ring, I don’t think it’s fair for him to wait to propose and throw a huge wrench into your career and the wedding planning. If you made him aware of these issues, he should have taken them into account.

Post # 44
Member
4913 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I guess everyone is different with different priorities. I met Fiance when I was 25. We knew from day 1. Went ring shipping and moved in together by the 6 month mark. But doing things right was way more important to us than a piece of paper that allows us to call each other husband and wife. We were dating 3 years (took him 2.5 to save up for the ring) when he proposed. We’re engaged for about 18 months, so I’ll be 29 when married (less than 2 months shy of turning 30). I never once felt resentful for him “making me wait.” I waited, too. He also had said we’d get engaged in 2011, then changed it to 2012 at the end of that year. His original proposal didn’t go as planned, he sent the ring back and decided to keep saving and upgrade it until he felt the timing was better (a year later).

Sometimes you have a plan in mind and every intention to follow through with it, but it doesn’t go as planned. That’s life though! Life does not always follow your plan and you can’t always plan for everything.

Personally, I would have waited until next May to have the wedding planning I always dreamed of. I wouldn’t let things like ages and what everyone else is doing and what you see on tv affect what I had in mind for planning. You only get to be engaged once. It’s really an amazing time. I’m having a stress free blast planning my wedding bc I have myself so much time on purpose.

I think you’re letting too many outside influences affect you and you’re blaming it on your Fiance, when it’s your fault as well. Learn to put your foot down. He doesn’t want to wait and push the wedding back, but you do? Tell him that is really important to you and since the proposal came at a time that left you alone planning, you feel sad and like you’re missing out on a once in a lifetime experience and to be understanding of that.

Life is not about the destination. It’s about the journey. Enjoy the little moments. In the end, you’ll be married. Who cares if it happens 6 months or 2 years sooner or later than you originally thought? That’s life for you, surprising you every step of the way!

Post # 45
Member
3007 posts
Sugar bee

Back to my own wedding 26 years ago, I only really remember the important bits, the marriage service, glancing across to my new husband during the rest of the service, everyone congratulating us, my friends hiding behind a wall armed with confetti, the mixture of delight, relief and excitement when we left the reception for our honeymoon as man and wife. 

Apart from the wedding ceremony I enjoyed the honeymoon much more than the remainder of the wedding day.  I got to know my new husband in a way that I hadn’t known him before.  It was (and still is) so much fun being together.

As I said before, just choose a few important things rather than trying to create the perfect event.

Post # 46
Member
265 posts
Helper bee

@HeartsandSparkles:  Have a good long chat with Fiance and make him see that this is hurting you (not in a vindictive way, just open up and be honest) – while some people might not think it’s fair to play the “you made me wait” card, I think it is. Don’t do it in a mean way, just say that you think it’s a little unreasonable he won’t push back to May 2015 since the timeline was bumped back by 10 months at his choice. Say you don’t hold it against him (which I don’t believe you do, in your heart of hearts) – and remind him that the wedding wont be as positive an experience for you if you have it in November, because you had dreamed of a May wedding, and being so far away is really stressing you out.

If he loves you, and I get the feeling that he REALLY DOES, he will come around when he sees how much this is hurting you.

You guys will make it through <3

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