Post # 32
@Brittanyg20: I talked to Fiance about pushing it back- It’s an option. Though Fiance is working on some kind of plan that is supposed to make things a bit better- I’m not sure what he is up to- he wants it to be a surprise. He’s actually very involved with the wedding planning for a groom- I told him before that he would have to step up since I’m on the other side of the country. He is meeting with photogs this week, so example. I think we are going to see if we can make November work- but if its too stressful, we can push it back. I dont think i mentioned this, but we originally wanted to get married on our anniversary on saturday in May ’13, but then had to push it to may ’14, but then my sister picked a date in may ’14 and we were asked tk wait til november ’14… so may ’15 would be two years longer than we planned- it just seems line a long time. And that may complicate family matters- my sister is getting married in may ’14, we are supposed to be nov ’14 and my cousin (only first cousin on that side, also a girl) is getting married in March ’15 to give a gap between our weddings so that would mess that up. Either way, all three of us are getting married in one calendar year! And I’m in all three weddings!
Post # 33
@nightborn: YES, YED! We have those couples too! It’s frustrating when they get engaged, married, buy a home, get a dog, and have a baby while we are still dating. Though more and more of FI’s friends are getting divorced now, unfortunately. And most have kids too.
I know we have a very strong foundation for our relationship, and he treats me better than many of my friend’s husbands (think Jennifer anniston’s guy from that movie when they are together 7 years and not engaged yet- he is always cooking me dinner, bringing me flowers- he is so thoughtful and I’m lucky to have him. Thanks for the advice 🙂
Post # 34
Thank you for your concern. Believe me, when I found out Fiance quit, I was pretty upset. But that was over 2 years ago- it was a challenge in our relationship, but we got through it. When it happened, he was my boyfriend- we weren’t engaged, we didnt live together, and we weren’t partners. He quit his job and decided to go back to school- and I had encouraged him to go back to school, but I think that’s something you should plan for! He did not realize how much education costs had gone up- that’s where his savings went- to pay for school- not video games or anything like that. He absolutely should have talked to me first so that we could plan for all this- but he didnt- it was a growing experience for us as a couple and we are stronger now because of it And now we are a team.
Post # 35
@Supersleuth: thanks for your post- it was really thoughtful. Obviously the marriage is more important than the wedding and my Fiance is one of the most amazing guys on the planet! 😉 Fiance had actually been helping with the wedding a lot. He went to culinary school and worked in a restaurant before going back to school for engineering (he is a man of many talents, lol). So he is in charge of our menu with the caterer, wedding cake selection, and he is making infused olive oils as our favors. He is also planning our wedding night, in charge of the save the dates (he is having an artist do custom artwork) and kinda a lot of other things now that I think about it. I told him he had to step up because I’m not physically there and he has for the most part. Sometimes he drags his feet a bit in tasks, but he’s probably more involved than most grooms. I really like your advice about focusing on the things I care about most- I may not have a perfect wedding, but maybe I can make a couple parts perfect!
Post # 36
@HeartsandSparkles: awesome! So glad to hear you’re a team 🙂
Post # 37
@HeartsandSparkles: Also, I know some people will blame him because he broke a promise to be engaged by a certain date but if he didn’t propose because he didn’t feel ready, that is probably not a promise he should have made. You can’t predict when you will feel ready. I do think though that since he took his time, you have the absolute right to ask for 2015. He’ll get over it.
Post # 38
I guess I don’t see how you can brag about this perfect proposal when you paid for the entire thing? Seems like dress shopping is the least of your worries.
Post # 39
@mixtapehearts: While I find your post a bit rude- I love my proposal. Fiance did a lot of research about where we should go and planned the whole trip- I paid for the flight and resort, but he paid for the proposal. We had a layover to get lunch with his sister because he is very close to her and wanted to include her- she gave me my second card and gift. He paid for my cards and gifts I got along the way. He paid for a new dress that he picked out for me to wear. He bought himself a matching tie so we would be coordinated. He worked with their wedding coordinator to plan the proposal. He arranged and paid for my manicure, my Verragio engagement ring, horse and carriage ride, photo shoot, and 5 course private dinner in a gazebo on the beach. I love my proposal because of the thought and effort he put into it- and he did pay for the proposal aspects. So I don’t know what your deal is, maybe your man didn’t put thought or energy into your proposal, but I’m very proud of my romantic proposal! He did an AMAZING Job And I love telling people our story.
Post # 40
I think I would feel the same way you do, because I can tell you are not really mad at your fiance in a deep way, just frustrated given your current difficulties in planning your wedding. You and your fiance both made big decisions to postpone the engagement (him), to move across the country (you), to postpone planning until after the bar (both of you), to have the wedding in November (both of you, based on your parents’ request). You all had good reasons for all of these decisions, but it is only you who have to deal with the major consequence of wedding planning long distance, and it therefore being much harder and less fun than if you were doing it in your own town a year ago. But I think you can still find ways to make it fun. Not just doable, which hiring a wedding planner will achieve, but fun! I think the trick would be to make sure the parts of the wedding planning you were looking forward to are still a fun weekend in San Diego.
From your original post, it sounds like the thing that frustrates you most is the wedding dress shopping. Given that you live so far away from your family, and that your family and friends are now scattered around, I think you won’t get to have the big group experience, but are some solutions to your dilemma. The big group experience can often backfire, anyway. Figure out which 1 or 2 people who live closest to San Diego would be the absolute most helpful and excited to watch you try on dresses for several hours and would give you nice feedback, and plan a fun San Diego weekend with them when you can get a weekend away. Since most people won’t be able to be there, email your friends and family which stores you will go to, and ask them to suggest 1 or 2 dresses for you to try on (if the store has a huge selection, you might want to indicate your favorite style or collection to make things easier on them). IF the store allows photos, you can send them all the photos and either make a poll, or just show them your final choice. If the store doesn’t allow photos, you could still send them your top 3 or your final pick.
Plan specific weekends in San Diego to do the fun stuff, and outsource as much of the boring stuff as you can to the wedding planner and your fiance, unless you can do it remotely.
Post # 41
@HeartsandSparkles: first of all: I’ve been there, too. My SO proposed to me after we’d been together for more than 7,5 years. I was so excited but also a bit bummed because it was the *wrong* timing. Now that he finally did propose, I didn’t want to wait too long to get married because a child was on the way and that plus some other changes (an apartment we bought) meant quite significant tax changes if we got married last year. On the other hand, I didn’t wanna get married with a huge bump – not how I had pictures myself looking on my big day.
We did end up getting married on our 8 year anniversary with just parents, siblings and witnesses. That was 6 days before our daughter was born. We’ll have the church wedding an reception this year on our 9 year anniversary (which is a Saturday so works out super).
i still feel like: damn, I have to lose all the pregnancy pounds plus all the rest that I wanted to shed without being able to properly diet due to breast feeding. So yeah, basically my resentment came from not being able to look as pretty as I had always wanted to On my big day haha.
But at the end, it doesn’t really help, does it? I’ve got a wonderful man and I’d rather live with him my whole life being not married than being married to a guy that purposes after one year but simply is not the best man in the world.
So try to put into perspective what’s important to you. Also to me you can’t really be upset about the “broken promise”, but this May also be a cultural thing. Here, whenever someone decides to propose, he will. You don’t discuss beforehand when that going to happen. Unheard of. So I don’t get this. But it seems like he wasn’t ready to propose, which might have all to do with him and none with you (DH always felt getting married was for old people and he still felt so young haha).
I would also feel sad about not being able to do all the “bride-sy” stuff but I’m with the other bees here. I think there is such a simple solution. Just move the date to May 15. He doesn’t like it? Well neither do you like nob 14. So you’ll have to find a solution that works for both of you. There are plenty of good reasons not to have it in nob but none as far as I can see against May 15. Other than him not wanting to wait any longer. Well guess hat she wouldn’t have needed to if he had gotten his act together sooner. So now that he waited that long to propose, that’s what happens to the wedding date – it will naturally also take place later than planned.
Post # 42
@HeartsandSparkles: I might have missed this because many of the responses were very long, but did your Fiance ever explain why he made you wait? If you two habe been together for a long time and there weren’t any financial barriers to getting a ring, I don’t think it’s fair for him to wait to propose and throw a huge wrench into your career and the wedding planning. If you made him aware of these issues, he should have taken them into account.
Post # 43
@HeartsandSparkles: I don’t have a “deal”, you posted for opinions and I gave mine.
Post # 44
I guess everyone is different with different priorities. I met Fiance when I was 25. We knew from day 1. Went ring shipping and moved in together by the 6 month mark. But doing things right was way more important to us than a piece of paper that allows us to call each other husband and wife. We were dating 3 years (took him 2.5 to save up for the ring) when he proposed. We’re engaged for about 18 months, so I’ll be 29 when married (less than 2 months shy of turning 30). I never once felt resentful for him “making me wait.” I waited, too. He also had said we’d get engaged in 2011, then changed it to 2012 at the end of that year. His original proposal didn’t go as planned, he sent the ring back and decided to keep saving and upgrade it until he felt the timing was better (a year later).
Sometimes you have a plan in mind and every intention to follow through with it, but it doesn’t go as planned. That’s life though! Life does not always follow your plan and you can’t always plan for everything.
Personally, I would have waited until next May to have the wedding planning I always dreamed of. I wouldn’t let things like ages and what everyone else is doing and what you see on tv affect what I had in mind for planning. You only get to be engaged once. It’s really an amazing time. I’m having a stress free blast planning my wedding bc I have myself so much time on purpose.
I think you’re letting too many outside influences affect you and you’re blaming it on your Fiance, when it’s your fault as well. Learn to put your foot down. He doesn’t want to wait and push the wedding back, but you do? Tell him that is really important to you and since the proposal came at a time that left you alone planning, you feel sad and like you’re missing out on a once in a lifetime experience and to be understanding of that.
Life is not about the destination. It’s about the journey. Enjoy the little moments. In the end, you’ll be married. Who cares if it happens 6 months or 2 years sooner or later than you originally thought? That’s life for you, surprising you every step of the way!
Post # 45
Back to my own wedding 26 years ago, I only really remember the important bits, the marriage service, glancing across to my new husband during the rest of the service, everyone congratulating us, my friends hiding behind a wall armed with confetti, the mixture of delight, relief and excitement when we left the reception for our honeymoon as man and wife.
Apart from the wedding ceremony I enjoyed the honeymoon much more than the remainder of the wedding day. I got to know my new husband in a way that I hadn’t known him before. It was (and still is) so much fun being together.
As I said before, just choose a few important things rather than trying to create the perfect event.
Post # 46
@HeartsandSparkles: Have a good long chat with Fiance and make him see that this is hurting you (not in a vindictive way, just open up and be honest) – while some people might not think it’s fair to play the “you made me wait” card, I think it is. Don’t do it in a mean way, just say that you think it’s a little unreasonable he won’t push back to May 2015 since the timeline was bumped back by 10 months at his choice. Say you don’t hold it against him (which I don’t believe you do, in your heart of hearts) – and remind him that the wedding wont be as positive an experience for you if you have it in November, because you had dreamed of a May wedding, and being so far away is really stressing you out.
If he loves you, and I get the feeling that he REALLY DOES, he will come around when he sees how much this is hurting you.
You guys will make it through <3