(Closed) REALLY about to lose my temper on FMIL.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7692 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@ashleyr0512:  Don’t take the bait! For real, her comment had nothing to do with anything and doesn’t even make sense — she’s just trying to stir up a reaction. Don’t give it to her. Ignore it completely. Best response is no response at all. They are very unlikely to take the cruise back, and it’s unfair for her to try and use it as emotional and financial blackmail. A gift is a gift, and you do not owe them every weekend of your life from here on out because of it. 

Post # 4
Member
7692 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@ashleyr0512:  And if I may add some unsolicited advice: the patterns, habits, boundaries, and expectations that you set NOW are going to become your life going forward. If you and your FH don’t want to be going to his parent’s house every weekend, set that boundary now. Decide between the two of you how often is often enough, and establish that. It might be uncomfortable at first, but nowhere near as uncomfortable as it would be if you tried to set a different boundary after 5 years of going every weekend. Be compassionate (she loves you!) but firm now so you don’t end up spiteful and resentful in the future.

Post # 5
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You shouldn’t have told her no – let your Fiance do that. That way you don’t look like the bad guy. Each of you deal with your own parents.

Post # 6
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I agree that you have to set boundaries now.  A simple, “I’m sorry, Future Mother-In-Law, but we just can’t visit every weekend, we have other people we want to see and our own things to do.”  You may have to say it often, she may give you grief, but you have to set your foot down now.  

Post # 7
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee

Mm..toughie, my thoughts are that she is simply hurt.

Chat to Fiance & come up with how often you are comfortable visiting 9ie once per month etc) & let him relay that to Future Mother-In-Law. Can work along the lines of ‘ i feel bad for putting you out every weekend & want to make the most of it whilst we are there so how about we come up on last weekend of each month?

IF she then brings up the cruise, that’s when i would consider whether it would be in everyone’s interest not to accept it.

Post # 8
Member
301 posts
Helper bee

@ashleyr0512:  I’d walk on eggshells and try to keep her happy until the wedding. If your honeymoon is right after the wedding, you won’t have too long to wait. I may be wrong, but it sounds like she’s trying to manipulate you using the cruise, and would actually cancel it to punish you if she doesn’t get her way. You can establish boundaries after the honeymoon.

Alternately, you can tell her you are grateful for her gift but uncomfortable accepting it if she expects you and FH to behave a certain way as a result. Plan your own honeymoon if you can afford it. The honeymoon is short, your relationship with his family is forever. She needs to respect that you two are starting your own life and as such have things you need to take care of with your relationship and around the house. Expectations if weekly visits are no fun. You should visit when you want to, and they should visit you if possible. Maybe you can even find an activity you’d all enjoy doing together, whether ir be visiting a museum, having brunch, or playing with your pets. if not, my sympathies: my parents are allergic to leaving the house so all we do is sit around watching reality shows with them.

Post # 10
Member
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@Daisy_Mae:  +w

 

This is something i am going through. You have to put your foot down now before the wedding. Be firm but not rude. Most of all, have your fi deal with his mother. Thats the motto we have now. If it’s a negative thing to address, the child of the parent handles it.

Post # 12
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Can you punt this to your FI? It’s his mom afterall.

Post # 13
Member
1159 posts
Bumble bee

@ashleyr0512:  I don’t think she is being unreasonable. I think it’s nice that she wants to see both of you regularly. How about suggesting she visit you every odd week and maybe she will realise that it is actually an effort to make the trip. Paying for your cruise is a nice gesture and is something she didn’t have to do.

Post # 14
Member
7736 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@oneofthesethings:  Agreed! Where is Fiance in all of this – it’s his mom! Why are *you* telling her you can’t come? That. Is. Your. Fiance’s. Job.

If April 13 really is your wedding date, Fiance should set one weekend out of the next 4 to visit. Other than that he tells them you’re too busy planning the wedding. Then after that, I’d say one weekend in 4 is the most that is reasonable, given that it’s 2 hours away.

Post # 15
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2013

This sounds exactly like my Future Mother-In-Law.  The closer we get to the wedding the more she freaks out and tells my fiance that I’m trying to steal him away from his family…  All I want to say is well we are getting married so he will be my husband.  Its getting ridiculous.  She texts him at least every day and they talk on the phone at least 30 minutes every two days.  I’m all for him being close to her, but when they have that kind of communication and she still says that he is forgetting his family, there is a problem.  In my case, I think she just can’t cope with the fact that her eldest son is getting married.  She wants us to come visit every few weekends too and that just isn’t an option since we have other commitments and friends where we live.  I just felt like I had to share too so that you know you aren’t the only one in the same boat.  Everyone keeps telling me that we have to start doing now what will happen for the rest of our marriage so I’ve talked to my fiance about standing up to her and explaining that he does love her but she has to let go.  That could be where your fiance’s mom is too.  Although I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, it makes me feel loads better to know someone else can sympathize.  She isn’t paying for our honeymoon, but she is paying for the rehearsal.  I hope she doesn’t start making comments about regretting that decision.  I don’t know how you can stand having that thrown in your face like that.  I know I wouldn’t be able to! Good luck!

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