Post # 1
OMG. Someone please tell me how to handle THIS situation!!!
My future in-laws have paid for our honeymoon. We are going on a 7 night cruise with Royal Carribean.
My inlaws live 2 hours away. For some reason his mom thinks we have to go visit them EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND. We are adults. We have a house, pets, adult responsibilities that we HAVE to handle at home.
Last time we went, we watched NCIS while Future Mother-In-Law took a 4 hour nap.
We just saw them last weekend.
She has been wanting us to come up this weekend. I told her we couldn’t come because we had stuff to get done around the house. We both work full time.
She responded that she “messed up by giving us a cruise.”
I am so upset and hurt by this comment i cannot even think straight right now. I haven’t responded to her yet and do not know what the best way to respond is. I want to tell her to go F’ Herself and she can take the cruise and shove it.
Post # 3
@ashleyr0512: Don’t take the bait! For real, her comment had nothing to do with anything and doesn’t even make sense — she’s just trying to stir up a reaction. Don’t give it to her. Ignore it completely. Best response is no response at all. They are very unlikely to take the cruise back, and it’s unfair for her to try and use it as emotional and financial blackmail. A gift is a gift, and you do not owe them every weekend of your life from here on out because of it.
Post # 4
@ashleyr0512: And if I may add some unsolicited advice: the patterns, habits, boundaries, and expectations that you set NOW are going to become your life going forward. If you and your FH don’t want to be going to his parent’s house every weekend, set that boundary now. Decide between the two of you how often is often enough, and establish that. It might be uncomfortable at first, but nowhere near as uncomfortable as it would be if you tried to set a different boundary after 5 years of going every weekend. Be compassionate (she loves you!) but firm now so you don’t end up spiteful and resentful in the future.
Post # 5
You shouldn’t have told her no – let your Fiance do that. That way you don’t look like the bad guy. Each of you deal with your own parents.
Post # 6
I agree that you have to set boundaries now. A simple, “I’m sorry, Future Mother-In-Law, but we just can’t visit every weekend, we have other people we want to see and our own things to do.” You may have to say it often, she may give you grief, but you have to set your foot down now.
Post # 7
Mm..toughie, my thoughts are that she is simply hurt.
Chat to Fiance & come up with how often you are comfortable visiting 9ie once per month etc) & let him relay that to Future Mother-In-Law. Can work along the lines of ‘ i feel bad for putting you out every weekend & want to make the most of it whilst we are there so how about we come up on last weekend of each month?
IF she then brings up the cruise, that’s when i would consider whether it would be in everyone’s interest not to accept it.
Post # 8
@ashleyr0512: I’d walk on eggshells and try to keep her happy until the wedding. If your honeymoon is right after the wedding, you won’t have too long to wait. I may be wrong, but it sounds like she’s trying to manipulate you using the cruise, and would actually cancel it to punish you if she doesn’t get her way. You can establish boundaries after the honeymoon.
Alternately, you can tell her you are grateful for her gift but uncomfortable accepting it if she expects you and FH to behave a certain way as a result. Plan your own honeymoon if you can afford it. The honeymoon is short, your relationship with his family is forever. She needs to respect that you two are starting your own life and as such have things you need to take care of with your relationship and around the house. Expectations if weekly visits are no fun. You should visit when you want to, and they should visit you if possible. Maybe you can even find an activity you’d all enjoy doing together, whether ir be visiting a museum, having brunch, or playing with your pets. if not, my sympathies: my parents are allergic to leaving the house so all we do is sit around watching reality shows with them.
Post # 10
This is something i am going through. You have to put your foot down now before the wedding. Be firm but not rude. Most of all, have your fi deal with his mother. Thats the motto we have now. If it’s a negative thing to address, the child of the parent handles it.
Post # 11
Post # 12
Can you punt this to your FI? It’s his mom afterall.
Post # 13
@ashleyr0512: I don’t think she is being unreasonable. I think it’s nice that she wants to see both of you regularly. How about suggesting she visit you every odd week and maybe she will realise that it is actually an effort to make the trip. Paying for your cruise is a nice gesture and is something she didn’t have to do.
Post # 14
@oneofthesethings: Agreed! Where is Fiance in all of this – it’s his mom! Why are *you* telling her you can’t come? That. Is. Your. Fiance’s. Job.
If April 13 really is your wedding date, Fiance should set one weekend out of the next 4 to visit. Other than that he tells them you’re too busy planning the wedding. Then after that, I’d say one weekend in 4 is the most that is reasonable, given that it’s 2 hours away.
Post # 15
This sounds exactly like my Future Mother-In-Law. The closer we get to the wedding the more she freaks out and tells my fiance that I’m trying to steal him away from his family… All I want to say is well we are getting married so he will be my husband. Its getting ridiculous. She texts him at least every day and they talk on the phone at least 30 minutes every two days. I’m all for him being close to her, but when they have that kind of communication and she still says that he is forgetting his family, there is a problem. In my case, I think she just can’t cope with the fact that her eldest son is getting married. She wants us to come visit every few weekends too and that just isn’t an option since we have other commitments and friends where we live. I just felt like I had to share too so that you know you aren’t the only one in the same boat. Everyone keeps telling me that we have to start doing now what will happen for the rest of our marriage so I’ve talked to my fiance about standing up to her and explaining that he does love her but she has to let go. That could be where your fiance’s mom is too. Although I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, it makes me feel loads better to know someone else can sympathize. She isn’t paying for our honeymoon, but she is paying for the rehearsal. I hope she doesn’t start making comments about regretting that decision. I don’t know how you can stand having that thrown in your face like that. I know I wouldn’t be able to! Good luck!
Post # 16
Thank you everyone for the advice. I didn’t respond to anyone last night because i went to bed to sleep on it. I had my Fiance send her a message and ask her what she was trying to say by the text she sent me and he told her that it really upset me. He also added that just because we do not come every weekend doesn’t mean we aren’t grateful and don’t want to see our family. It just means we are adults and doing our thing. She tried to turn it around and say that she felt bad for getting us a cruise and us having to take the cruise and go out of town when we have so much stuff to do around the house. That was NOT what she meant at the time. We bought an old Farm house last year. It was built in the 1830s. We are in the process of completely remodeling the house. Now that it is the way we want it on the inside and out—FI wanted to plant some grass. The best time is march-april. With us both working week days the only time we can do this is on weekends. Not to mention the 50000 other projects we want to do.
This is a really sticky situation. I understand all MILs are a pain at times but mine is diagnoised bipolar. Growing up she was very abusive to my Fiancee due to her illness going undiagnoised for so long. He got a full scholarship when he graduated Highschool at 17 and moved away. He is 27 now and has just allowed himself to have a relationship with her again about 2 years ago. The literally did not talk for YEARS due to his childhood. There is so much other going on but last night really just hit home.
She is now telling us not to bother coming up on Easter weekend for the family dinner since we have so much to do.