(Closed) Really angry with my passive-agressive FI

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Sounds like he’s got a fair bit on his plate and you aren’t letting him show you he will do things he promises to do.

If he said he’d find a counselor this week, don’t ask him about it until the beginning of next week. If he wants to do his research Sunday that’s fine. It sounds a bit like you are nagging him to do things and not letting him then do them on his own time (within the agreed upon time frame).

Also, what are the issues you want him to go to counseling for? Is it something he feels he need to/wants to work on as well? Or is he going just because you told him to?

As for the ring, if you have the contract for it, could you help him out by calling and seeing what’s going on? 

I sometimes fall into a pattern where all I do is ask/tell/remind Darling Husband to do things and he gets a bit defensive and upset because some are things I could be helping with, and other’s he’s promised to get done and the “deadline” for doing them isn’t past yet.

Also, I’m not really seeing how he’s being passive agressive. 

Post # 4
Member
7779 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@KatNYC2011:  Word. I totally agree with your post.

Honestly, I don’t have much to add to what Kat said. She did a good job expressing what I was thinking. I agree that you need to take a breath and step back and give him a chance to do things without you jumping all over him.

Post # 7
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Jacqui90:  Hmmm… It sounds a bit like you are enabling him to not do anything since you always end up doing it for him. 

Are you sure he really “wants” to do these things? Or is he just going along with it because you are pushing so hard?

If it were me, I’d just take a step back and stop doing things for him. If he really wants to do something, he’ll eventually get around to it. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you always have to do everything for him?

Has he ever lived on his own/had to do things for himself? If he’s always been “taken care of” by either his parents or an SO he may not have yet learned how to really take care of himself and what the consequences are of him NOT taking care of himself. 

As hard as it may be, I’d just stop asking, reminding, or doing anything for him. Things may not get done in the time frame they are supposed to, but you need to let go of that and let him take responsibility for himself. 

If after a while he STILL doesn’t and continues to let things slide/not care about them, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. 

It worries me that you had to do research for him on proposals. It’s a bit of a red flag that he wasn’t motivated by wanting to marry you to do that himself.

Post # 9
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Jacqui90:  If he says he wants to improve it, let HIM do the legwork.

He lets things slide because you allow him to, you always pick up the pieces so there’s no incentive for him to do it himself.

Stop always picking up his pieces and take care of yourself. Let him find out the consequences of letting things slide. I know it will be hard, but it’s the only way it sounds like he will learn.

Post # 10
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

To me it sounds like you’re attempting to change who he actually is, and that never works. He sounds like an unmotivated procrastinator and you end up doing everything because you don’t want to wait. No amount of counseling will make him like you. 

Post # 11
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@mwitter80:  I agree 100%.

You cannot force someone to change. 

Post # 13
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Jacqui90:  I think mtwitter meant make him like you as in make him proactive like you (if that makes sense).

I know it’s hard to let go when you see him letting things slip, but sometimes you need to let him miss some deadlines or accidentally let some things slip so he learns there are consequences to not doing things (rather then him knowing you will always pick up the slack).

Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@Jacqui90:  I meant you can’t make him BE like you. You seem to do things right away. Get them done and out of the way. He is not cut from the same cloth.

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