(Closed) really annoyed. need your help.

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 47
Member
614 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

No problem!

 

I just read your thread from a month ago about your Maid/Matron of Honor not paying your mom back. Is she still unemployed? Perhaps she still doesn’t have the money? Good luck!

Post # 49
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Is your Maid/Matron of Honor from the same culture as you?  Because if she isn’t, she might not be thrilled about being expected to adhere to it as strictly as you would like.  Especially if it’s going to be very expensive for her to do so.  I also, regardless of culture, would not be too impressed at being the ONLY one expected to pay my own way.  Thanks anyway for the “honourable” position, though. 

Post # 51
Member
250 posts
Helper bee

Ok so if I was your Maid/Matron of Honor I would be pretty hurt that you would buy everyone elses dress but not mine.  I actually think it is hurtful.  Yes she was rude by not paying your mom back but two wrongs don’t make a right.

ETA:  This board has a rule against personal attacks OP.  Calling another poster rude and smug is inappropriate.

Post # 52
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I have not been rude to you nor have I been smug.  I’m sorry if you interpret it that way. 

I have read everything you’ve written and you have yet to answer any of my questions. 

I am very offended that you called me names.  I have never called you anything derrogatory.  You came here asking for advice and many posters have said the same thing I have, asked similar questions of you, yet you choose to single ME out as rude??   

Post # 53
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m all for having personal touches added to your wedding that are important to your culture. However, I think the problem here is that you are expecting your Maid/Matron of Honor to follow a tradition in your culture that she doesn’t understand and that is most likely hurting her feelings. From someone not familiar with this tradition it seems unfair to the Maid/Matron of Honor, regardless of whether or not she can choose her own dress. It makes it feel less like an honour and more like an extra expense from her standpoint. I’m not saying that there is necessarily something wrong with this tradition, I’m just trying to explain it from her point of view.

I think you have every right to ask her to pay your mom back for the engagement party dress, but I think it would be nice if you would offer to pay for her Maid/Matron of Honor dress for the wedding instead. It may not be customary in your culture, but I’m sure it would make your Maid/Matron of Honor feel nice and seeing as how she will be your family for the rest of your life, I think it would be a small sacrifice to make.

In the end it’s your decision, this is simply my opinion and I’m not trying to offend you or your culture at all. I’m just trying to say that in the grand scheme of things it would probably make everyone feel more comfortable if you were to purchase her dress, or if you can’t afford that, then you shouldn’t be purchasing all the bridesmaids dresses either.

Good luck!

Post # 54
Member
7691 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I still dont really see your logic – why not just not pay for the girls dresses in the first place and then you wouldnt even be having this issue. the Maid/Matron of Honor is supposed to be the most honored member of your bridal party, the person you are closest to – out of anyone to buy a dress for it would be the Maid/Matron of Honor. I understand that it is your culture to buy the dresses for the BMs and not the Maid/Matron of Honor but it just seems like a part of you is only not buying the dress for her because she never paid back your mom for the original dress. I dont think it matters that she can purchase any dress she wants because therefore she is still having to buy something that ALL of your other girls are not. I just think its kind of a slap in the face to your Maid/Matron of Honor who is also your Future Sister-In-Law – not a very good foot to start out on with your new sister…..

 

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@BanditGirl: I feel like Im getting defensive of you….because I havent seen that you have done anything wrong or been rude or inappropriate in any way!

Post # 55
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

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@PitBulLover: Thank you!  I simply asked questions and got raked over the coals by the OP.  Had I realized that asking questions would be considered inappropriate, I wouldn’t have asked them to begin with. 

Post # 56
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@love4sean: so no  i am not asking for too much. 

Sorry, but you are.  That’s my opinion, which is what you asked for when you posted a thread asking for help.  I personally would NEVER ask my girls to pay for anything.  The only reason they need the dress, the hair, the shoes is because I asked them to be in my bridal party.  Otherwise, they’d wear a dress they already own and do their own styling, etc.  I also would never ask them to pay their own way because I asked them to stand with me on my wedding day, and I can’t imagine expecting THEM to pay ME for the honour.  That’s me personally.

IF, however, you were expecting ALL of your girls to pay for their own dresses, I would be totally on your side. While it’s not my personal preference to make them pay for their own stuff, I do realize that that has become the way it’s typically done these days, and I can get behind that.  No problem.  But that is not the case here.  In this case, you are singling out ONE person (who is supposed to be in the most honourable position) and asking her to spend money that nobody else has been asked to spend.  And yes, I think that’s asking too much.  If she agreed beforehand to pay for her own dress, that’s different – unless she didn’t realize at the time that her gown would be so extravagant (read: expensive), or that she’d be the ONLY ONE expected to pay. 

And since we’re on the subject of attitudes, I don’t think I care for yours.  You posted a thread asking for help when all you really wanted was a bunch of people telling you that you can do no wrong.  It’s no good now crying that you didn’t get your way, when you didn’t come out and specifically tell us that you only wanted to hear from people who agree with you.

Post # 57
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

View original reply
@BanditGirl:  You haven’t said anything offensive.  This is just another case of someone not liking the fact that her conflicting statements were pointed out and that others were not agreeing with her comments. 

I can understand why flyingpig chose to leave this post. 

Post # 58
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

View original reply
@Pia2010: Thank you! It was a simple question that could be easily answered and wasn’t.  I’m sure she didn’t like being called out on her posts, but it was so contradictory.  I couldn’t imagine how someone could be mad about things not getting done when no direction was given to begin wit.  I guess she considered my pointing out the inconsistencies rude?  But, really, I was just trying to figure out what her point was.  It didn’t make sense and I just wanted clarity.  If asking for clarity is rude, then I apologize.  And, if asking for clarity on contradicting statements is rude, then I apologize again.  

View original reply
@deliciousappleblue: Exactly!

Post # 59
Member
5398 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Remember ladies:

Post # 60
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

love4sean , your wedding is in July why does she have to buy her dress now? Since she gets to pick her dress maybe she has something in her closet that she will like to wear and doesn’t have to buy. I don’t think the dress is the issue here in my opinion, I think the real issue is you are annoyed she hasn’t paid your mom back. Why even worry about her dress now? you have about 7 months. 

@BanditGirl 

You were trying to help but love4sean didn’t want to hear the truth so she got defensive and started calling you names. You weren’t rude and I think love4sean owes you an apology.

Post # 61
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010 - Parents' backyard

Quick question – you said that your Maid/Matron of Honor still owes your mom for an engagement dress. In your culture is it important for the Maid/Matron of Honor to have a nice engagement party dress as well? If so, it sounds like she REALLY doesn’t wanna pay for any type of dress for your wedding. It kinda sounds like she doesn’t want much to do with your wedding at all. I think the key to a lot of sticky wedding situations is communication and I don’t think she understood the financial obligations when she accepted the honor of being your Maid/Matron of Honor. I know you said you tried talking to her but what about just coming out and saying, “I know it can be a lot of financial stress being a Maid/Matron of Honor. If you feel like it’s too much I’d be happy to pay for your dress as a BM!” and then you can promote a Bridesmaid or Best Man to a Maid/Matron of Honor that really wants to be yours!

That being said, if she wanted to borrow money for her own nice engagement dress on her own accord, then never paid it back, and also doesn’t want to pay for her Maid/Matron of Honor dress it sounds like she is just hella stingy and wants free stuff! Either way, I’d still ask her if she’d like to opt out of the financial burden.

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