- 5 years ago
This is more of a rant, I am having a really emotional day and need to let it out…
Well, the timeline we have been talking about for months as I suspected, is not going to happen. It came up last night and he still has reservations despite saying for months that it would be by our two year anniversary. He isn’t trying to throw me off track (how I wish that were true), he is just stuck in his perpetual indecision and does not want to make any big decisions and finding reasons not to move forward. He knows he has issues (likely stemming from his parent’s divorce) and mentioned on his own wanting to see a therapist to work on things but he mentioned that before, and never took any action. I don’t know if this time will be any different.
On top of that, my 36th birthday is in 3 days, of course I am happy, but I really thought we would be engaged by now and now I feel like I am just turning another year older and not where I had hoped to be at my age. I have friends, I have my health and many wonderful things, but it is hard to reflect on where you had hoped to be and are not. If my life were a GPS system, I am feeling like my route would be recalculating right now because it keeps missing the turns I had mapped out.
I am also finding myself missing my dad more and more lately, he passed away suddenly five years ago from a rare cancer that took everyone by surprise. I want to talk to him about everything going on, I want to ask him how serious a man is about marriage if he continues to drag his a$$ and make excuses, should I stay? Should I go? I want him to tell me again the story of how my parents met, how they had no money to get married but did it anyways because they were young and in love and couldn’t wait to be together and start their lives. They won their wedding rings at a bridal show, the same cheap ring that he wore on his hand for over 38 years, even when he was dying of cancer and his hands were so thin it could slide right off. I find myself thinking that if my boyfriend is scared at the idea of marriage, how will he handle the heavy burdens in life that are inevitable, parents being sick, one of us being sick, if even the idea of a commited life together brings on such anxiety?
I am working on myself more and more these days. I was good about not bringing up the subject recently but like all pink elephants, it has a way of coming up eventually even when you try not to say something. I am really struggling with what to do, I realize the anniversary is not here yet but based on our conversation yesterday and some in the recent past, he is clearly not at the point of proposing and nothing is going to change that in the next month. He is a wonderful man, but I don’t know if we are on the same page, or if he will ever really come around to the idea of proposing and getting married if he isn’t there after two years of a wonderful relationship together.
Thanks for listening to me vent. Going to throw myself into work and some redecorating ideas.