(Closed) Really curious: what do you guys consider to be the responsibilities of the bms?

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think that the answer is entirely situational. People pick bridesmaids based off those who are nearest & dearest to them, so there should be respect from both sides. I think a bridesmaids only “responsibility” is to buy a dress & show up, but, hopefully, people who are close to you will want to be more involved than that.

I think it’s nice if the bridesmaids pay for a shower & bachelorette within their means. At the same time, I think it is up to the bridesmaids to decide if they will throw the party, I don’t think it is necessarily a “requirement”. I also think they should buy their own dresses, but it becomes inappropriate when a bride makes unreasonable expectations about what her bridesmaids can afford. 

Post # 4
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

In my circles, it’s the norm for BMs to pay for dress and shoes. The bride usually pays for the jewelry. Hair and makeup tend to be optional, but at the BMs’ expense if they choose to do so. The Maid/Matron of Honor usually heads up the planning of the showers and bachelorette party with input/help from BMs who are around. All components try to take BMs’ budgets into consideration.

Post # 5
3943 posts
Honey bee

Every situation is different.

Personally, my girls are paying for their dress (which they could pick from Davids Bridal-all were $99), shoes (they can pick anything they like), and their makeup (if they want it done). We are all spread out so they will all be staying in a hotel which is $100/night.  I am paying for their hair and jewlery. And of course getting them a thank you gift.

I told the girls that I dont want a shower or a bachelorette, but they are planning both anyways. Both events will be low key with minimal cost. The shower is a brunch and the bachelorette party will be at my house.


When brides start demanding $200+++ dress, specifici shoes, destination bachelorette parties or elaborate showers…that is when it starts to get tricky.

Post # 6
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

  1. Buy your dress whether it be a style the bride has requested or something you’ve chosen yourself within the parameters provided by the couple.
  2. Cover your alterations. If the dress needs visible alterations then have them done. Noone wants a Bridesmaid or Best Man to wipe out on on her way down the aisle because she was too cheap to get the dress hemmed. If you can’t afford to use a seamstress then get some iron on adhesive and do it yourself.
  3. Buy your shoes & accessories. If something specific if requested from the bride then I do think that she should provide it but this all really depends. I asked that my girls wear gold jewelry to match the burnt orange dresses. I don’t think any of them ended up with anything gold but it really didn’t matter. You couldn’t see their jewelry anyway.
  4. Help plan a shower/bachelorette if possible. Sometimes finances or distance don’t allow you to help and that’s okay. Most brides want these pre-wedding festivities but unfortunately, they’re not always an option.
  5. Show up to the Rehearsal Dinner & wedding on time, clean and sober.
  6. Smile and look pretty for pictures. 

Post # 7
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@jackndiane:  as the other girls mentioned – I think its totally situational.

For example – is it their responsibility to organize a fun night out with dinner and drinks or a show or something and make sure there is a Dirty Delete to get you all home safely?  Yes, I think so.

But is it their responsibility to get tickets to Vegas, or rent a limo and pay for a hotel room along with all night bar hopping and expensive dinner?  NO.   And a lot of girls end up putting thier friends in really awkward positions by having those kinds of expectations.

Lodging also depends. If you ask a girl to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and then 2 months later tell her that you’re having a destination wedding at a 5 star resort, you should probably offer to offset their costs in some way.

If you want them in specific jewelry, specific shoes, or with a specific hairdo, I think you should pay for those.  If they’re allowed to do as they please, then its ok not to.

Post # 8
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

@UpstateCait:  Good points re: alterations and also showing up promptly and prepared.

Post # 9
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

Maid of Honor – Bachelorette party, shower, take care of Bride on the wedding day (get her shoes, help out with putting the dress on….) Help the bride with wedding issues, follow up calls for venues, catering, cake, maybe even make appointments etc…

Bridesmaids – help the maid of honour with her duties. I said “help” not do it all because Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t want to….

And none should pay for dresses, makeup, hair, jewelry because it’s the bride who should pay for those things because as I said in another post, it is HER choices for the dresses, colors, shoes, etc…

Post # 10
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

1) Buy dress (this was even negotiable at one point, but I got resistance to the “wear any black dress” idea)

2) Show up at the wedding, in the dress. Shoes are good too (venue’s rules, not mine).

3) Throw some kind of shower (and this wasn’t even a requirement, I sort of asked if they planned to do it and they made clear they were. They’ve been in total control of what’s going on for both the shower and the bachelorette).

Aside from that… I don’t really expect anything else. But my BMs are amazing and have gone above and beyond helping with crafts, giving opinions constructively, etc. I did offer to try to help with things, and they just shoo me away. So… yeah.  I did buy them some things to wear – jewelry, wrap, etc. But it’s up to them if they want hair, makeup etc, done.

Post # 12
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I just want them to buy their dress, come get their hair done the day of (im paying), and show up to the wedding.

I agree that things are situational.  My bridesmaids are all in different states from me. Im not even living in the state Im getting married in! There isn’t going to be a bachelorette party or wedding shower for me.


Post # 13
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

My Bridesmaid or Best Man who is my Maid/Matron of Honor has just the responsibility of showing up and buying her own shoes, she’s helping me with the hen night and that’s it, I know she’d help with anything else I needed, but I don’t see other stuff that I choose to do as her job, having her as my Maid/Matron of Honor is my way of showing her how much I value our friendship and not a job I’ve hired her to do 🙂


I think that if the Bridesmaids offer to help then that’s great, and if I desperately needed help I would ask, but that’s it 🙂

Post # 14
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think it totally depends on the bride/situation/bridesmaids.

In my wedding, they bought the dress (in their price range, no particular dress required), paid for their hotel (if they needed it) and paid for half of their hair (I paid the rest and they weren’t required to get it done), and wear silver/gray shoes (again, none matching, whatever they had in their closet). My mom threw the shower and my bridesmaids helped out if they were local by bringing some decorations or a dish. That was pretty much it.

I didn’t ask them to help out with any wedding planning/details, because I figured if it was my wedding why would I make people do the stuff even I dread doing? haha

The day of, it was smile for pictures, stand up at the ceremony and go drink and dance with your significant other/date.



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