(Closed) Really depressed after lackluster proposal.

posted 6 years ago in Proposals
Post # 31
Member
8453 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Another one of these? I don’t get it. Poor dudes can’t even propose they way they want, it has to be 100% about the bride, his interests and thoughts and ideas don’t count for shit.

Post # 32
Member
3243 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

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misspix:  did you ever think he was so nervous and so excited to ask you, that he didn’t spend the time planning it that you thought he should?

Maybe I’m not as much of a ramantic as I like to think, but as I get older, the more I see how although marriage should be about love, it’s also got its very practical (legal) advantages. One of the things I’m looking forward to us being married is all the benefits and protections our marriage contract will provide. Chalk his insurance comment up to nerves, or the fact that he wants to take care of you and protect you… That’s pretty freaking romantic to me 🙂

in regards to the ring… Well, id like to give him the benefit of the doubt with that. However, my ex Fiance did the same thing. i told him I didn’t care how big the diamond was, but I wanted it to be a NICE diamond, and set in platinum. The ring he got me was 14k white gold and had a huge inclusion in it.  it pretty much summed up our entire relationship. 

Post # 33
Member
2747 posts
Sugar bee

 

Hey, my late husband proposed WHILE WE WERE DOING LAUNDRY. T
he ring came later.  I thought {and still think} it was adorable!

Post # 34
Member
805 posts
Busy bee

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j_jaye:  While I can see your points, I find that you’re coming across as incredably rude to OP. I don’t know if it’s intentional, but it comes across that way. So please, if it wasn’t, ignore this comment. But if you are meaning to be THAT blunt, you need to read a bit deeper into her post. I’m the first to jump on the ‘just be happy!’ table, but he didn’t even ask her to marry him, nor did he say anything sweet. Any girl would be a  bit upset if their S.O didn’t ask, or say something nice like, ‘I love you.’ I can see why she thinks this proposal was very unemotional. This could have been GREAT, but instead, because he didn’t say anything, it seemed forced, which is probably why she’s upset. 

In terms of the ring-you’re telling me that if you specifically showed and told S.O exactly what you want (take carat size out and just consider style) and he picked something that you specifically said you DIDN’T want, you wouldn’t be at LEAST confused? Because it either shows he wasn’t listening, which is not a good quality, or that he didn’t care, which isn’t good either, or that he wanted what he liked, which is kind of selfish. 

I understand if you don’t agree, but frankly, you’re being a bit rude to the OP. She just wanted to know if she had a right to be upset. If you don’t think she did, you can be a bit more pleasent and say, ‘No, I don’t. Here’s why’ instead of telling her she’s bitching and throwing a pity party, which I don’t think she is at all.

Post # 35
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee

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misspix:  Hmm it sounds like you are more upset because the proposal and ring don’t reflect who you are. Is that it? Do you feel like he should “know” you better? I can see how that wouldn’t feel very good to suspect that the man you want to mary might not know who you are deep down? I dunno, maybe I’m reading into it too much.

Post # 36
Member
2274 posts
Buzzing bee

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misspix:  Honey, I think you may have misattributed someone else’s comment to me. 

After giving me MY ring, DH said “…….but don’t wear your ring for a while so MOM can at least have one more happy Christmas……”.

 

Post # 37
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Sorry Bee, but I think you are over reacting. I have to agree with PPs. Talk to him about the ring if it bothers you that much, see if you can change it. After all, if you are going to marry him you should be able to talk to him about anything. Good luck.

Post # 38
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

That’s the thing about proposals. You don’t get to plan it yourself. You should be greatful that the man wants to marry you and had the nerve to ask in a way I’m sure he thought you would like. My proposal wasnt one for the books, but it was absolutely perfect because the man I love was asking me to be his wife. You may have preferred a hike, but how boring and lackluster would it be if you had planned out the perfect proposal by yourself?

Post # 39
Member
7555 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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yourhandinmine:  What part of typing out “Marry Me?” within a freaking video game was her Fiance not asking her to marry him? And maybe her reaction to the proposal was why he never said I love you or anything else. Or more likely maybe he did say some great stuff but the OP was too wrapped up in her disappointment to hear it.

And yes she is having a pity party and bitching about it (I mean she came to a forum to post this hours afterwards and during what she pointed out was limited time to celebrate). 

The OP is thinking entirely of herself and not about the other person involved in this proposal. 

And I can 100% relate to a proposal not being what you expected. I think if the OP got my proposal experience she would probably crumble into a ball and never recover if this sweet proposal was so shockingly terrible to her. Instead of focusing on what didn’t happen, I focussed on what did- the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with asked me to marry them. Instead of focusing on a disaster proposal, choosing to focus on our marriage. 

What is wrong here is not her Fiance or his proposal but her expectations, attitude and perspective. Life isn’t perfect and we don’t always get what we want. 

You are entitled to your opinion but the OP is 100% having a woe is me where is my pity party moment. Right now she could be celebrating spending the rest of her life with the person she loves but instead is choosing not to. 

As for the ring, well the OP could have an adult conversation with her Fiance to raise her concerns. If she can’t do that with the person she is marrying then I don’t know what to say. 

Post # 40
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

A proposal is not all about the ring and the way he did it. It is about the most important question your life. What should matter is he loves you and he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Your being ignorant and selfish .

I was sick, had pimples all over my face, wearing a fall coat and was a bitch to him that day my fiancee proposed. I wasn’t expecting a big thing at All. All of that stupid over the top proposals are  cliche and not original.

Be thankful he put so much thought into it. Right now you only care about the ring. It don’t seem like you love this man enough to even be happy that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

So sad for your fiancee. 

 

Post # 41
Member
4682 posts
Honey bee

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misspix:  I think you should focus on making your vacation a super romantic celebration. You can also make romance the “theme” of your wedding. Why are you not telling people? If someone pushes for details, just tell them you got a private proposal at home. I get your annoyance at the insurance comment :/, but the Mario thing is really cute. 

If you are really unhappy with the ring, I’d talk to him about it. Do you have a pic?

I think the Mario thing is cute enough to incorporate into your wedding. I love this:

Post # 42
Member
805 posts
Busy bee

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j_jaye:  I can see what you mean, and I’m glad you clarified things a bit. I suppose that, by default, I always play devils advocate and try to give people the bennefit of the doubt. When I said he didn’t ask her to marry him, I mean verbally. To me, verbally asking me to marry you is much more important than words on a screen. I think she has a right to be upset if it just said will you marry me, and he just handed her the ring without any more comments (which is what she’s made it sound like). It’s possible he did say nice things, and she wasn’t listening, but I’m basing it off what was said in this post, as obviously I wasn’t there. 

While I see, because she posted, she had more time to celebrate than she let on, I still don’t think she had that much time. He proposed at 7 (please correct me if I’m wrong) but she had to be up at 6 the next morning. So if she wanted a solid night of sleep, she would have to have gone to bed at 11, which would give her 4 hours. For me, that would be plenty time. But for her, maybe it’s not enough, but that’s entirely based on the person and perception. 

Do I think she has a right to be depressed? No, I hate that word and when people use it. Do I think she has a right to be upset? Possibly, again, depends on what actually happened. Does she have a right to be confused (especially when it comes to him picking a ring that she had said she didn’t like) yes, I think she has a right to feel confused, at least. Could she be acting selfish? Sure! But I also don’t like when Bee’s on her say ‘Who cares if he got you a ring he knew you didn’t want/hated! At least your engaged!’ if someone knew my taste, style, and knew what I didn’t want, and specifically got the opposite of that, it would worry me. It would make me feel like S.O is just never listening to me (and being engaged to someone who you don’t think listens when you speak is probably not favorable) or that S.O just didn’t care (which, yes, is a little selfish.) She shouldn’t want a ring that only she likes, but he shouldn’t get one that only he likes. They should be meeting in the middle, so honestly, there must be some underlying problems. 

I guess I’m so frustrated because I HATE when Bee’s on here say-“Oh, well that’s just guys. They forget things, they don’t really listen.” No, just because you’re a boy doesn’t mean you get an excuse when you don’t listen, or forget simple things. I think that’s lazy. But to each their own I guess. I understand what you’re saying though.

Post # 43
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee

If you’re not excited about marrying this man, you need to move on.  The ring & proposal are meaningless after 30 years of marriage.  You need to evaluate if you can spend your life with and have a successful relationship with a man who doesn’t put a lot of thought into things.  Are you okay being with someone who overlooks the minute details that mean so much to you? Are you cool being with someone who doesn’t value the things you yourself find important?

I think a lot of women get caught up in time spent together, personal life timelines, the ring, the dress, and completely forget to really consider if this is the man they want to be with forever.  In our culture we’ve been conditioned to think there’s always a way out if the marriage turns out less than ideal….so we overlook things that bother us. I get what you’re saying OP.  These things he did upset you.  Maybe you two need a little more time or need to get to know each other better.  I know it’s been 6 years…so I don’t think time would really help.  You both have shown the other what it is they’re getting from this.

For example, I would expect some shit like this from my SO.  But I also understand the type of man he is, and that this behavior would be something special for him to come right out and ask me to marry him.  He would even throw in the bit about “needing insurance” Lol…He’s not the type to put a ton of thought into it.  It would be unnatural for him to try to live upto my expectation of a grand proposal…but I am completely aware of that.  I wouldn’t want him to act in a way that isn’t who he is, just to please me.  Have I lowered my expectations?? Of course not.  I just know what to realistically expect from him.  And Id love him either way, even if he presented me with a river rock!  (I might get pissy about it and vent of course) but I would never say anything to hurt him.

You must decide and reflect on your relationship, is this the type of person he is? Where he is genuinely oblivious to what females want….OR did he proposed this way because he is uncaring, inattentive, and is just putting a ring on it to shut you up or get you off his case? I really think he loves You So I don’t think it’s the 1st one.  He probably has no idea he hurt you! He is probably sitting there thinking you’re the happiest girl in the world right now because he proposed.  

This resentment is going to eat you alive.  Either love him, the ring, and the proposal, and go on together.  

Or tell him your disdain, hurt him, and risk damaging the relationship.  Ask yourself what is more important: Your feelings and your future….or his feelings & the relationship.  I’m not being snide.  Seriously, ask yourself that.  Be honest with yourself.  Are you willing to put aside a less than perfect proposal to be with the man of your dreams? Or is he really even the man of your dreams? You may come to a realization.  

You can always get a new ring In the future.  That means nothing.  Sure, the control freak type A in me wants the beautiful ring I’ll wear forever to be the one I get proposed to with, but then again, what if I find something I like better in the future? Or what if he ever wants to upgrade it or buy me a new one to surprise me for our 15th anniversary??? So the ring really becomes meaningless In that sense.  

as for your proposal story, I can tell you it stands out a lot more to me (and I’ll probably always remember it, I thought it was sweet) because it’s different.  I can’t tell you the countless “we were in our favorite restaurant and he had music played, got down on one knee, etc”.  I’m not saying those types of proposals are bad…but it’s hard for them to stand out to me.  

I hope this helps 🙂 Congratulations btw!

 

Post # 44
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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yourhandinmine:  +10000. I mean, i get it, be grateful. But also, take in to consideration your future fiancée, which I don’t think OPs Fiance did at all. Similar situation happened with me. My now Fiance had come to surprise me at my house to propose (I found this out later) and I had just worked 17 hours straight in the hospital. He did NOT propose that day as soon as he saw how stressed I am. And I GLAD he didn’t because I would have been annoyed. I would not have been falling over with my gratefulness like some bees say to do. Nope. I would have said yes though. And I’m so glad he knew me well enough to know that wasn’t the time to do it. 

The ring thing. Well, I think if you made it clear of your style in both the ring store and pinterest, and it’s the complete opposite. I think that’s a problem too, to be Honest. But I will likely get flamed by most bees here, so. 

Post # 45
Member
805 posts
Busy bee

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imanibee:  Clearly our opinion on the matter is not the majorty, and that’s fine. Maybe he was going for surprise, which is why he didn’t do it on the vacation. But if she was at stressed out as she claims, he should have been able to see that. But still, that’s not the issue-the issue is that he didn’t even verbally ask her to marry him, or say anything else at all (which I know a lot of Bee’s would be pissed about, but since it didn’t happen to most of them, they can’t or won’t but themselves in another Bee’s shoes) and the ring is a huge deal. If you KNOW what ring I didn’t like, and you specifically got that ring when you had all these other sources of what I did like, that comes across as not caring, or only considering what ring you like. 

I want my S.O to like my ring too-but you better believe that my S.O will ask me what I don’t like, and stay clear of that, because he CARES that I think my ring, he wants me to love it, and he wants to show that he has open ears.

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