(Closed) Really depressed after lackluster proposal.

posted 6 years ago in Proposals
Post # 46
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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yourhandinmine:  we are seeing eye to eye on this for sure! 

Post # 47
Member
1942 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

So you don’t ask for “grand displays of affection” but now you’re upset because he did not give you a “grand display of attention”?

A proposal is 4 words “will you marry me?” Or even 2 words “marry me?” What else is needed????? 

His proposal was actually really damn cute. Be grateful he finally asked after 6 years!

As far as the ring goes……. this conversation should have occurred before you sized it. 

Post # 48
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I just don’t really understand why it matters how someone proposes to you. I think it’s really nice and thoughtful when someone makes a huge production out of a proposal, but some guys aren’t comfortable with that kind of thing (just like some women aren’t–me, for instance). Maybe I’m biased because I’m nto a fan of big fancy proposals, but I think if the guy is uncomfortable with that, he shouldn’t feel ashamed of just asking in a way that feels right to him. I think it sounds like he put in some effort and tried to make it special. I don’t know because I wasn’t in that position, but I bet asking someone to marry you is pretty stressful, especially with all this extra pressure form the media to make the whole question into some kind of epic movie moment. If I was a guy, I would be terrified. I honestly just don’t have any sympathy for people who don’t think their proposal was good enough. He mustered up the courage and asked. Unless he tossed the ring at you and said, “here’s that engagement ring you’ve been bothering me about,” I don’t see the problem. 

As for the other thing, sorry he got a ring you didn’t like. You can exchange it. It’s not a big deal. He probably thought he was being clever by buying something you weren’t expecting. It’s cute, but I can see why that annoys you. My ex used to buy me things all the time that I EXPRESSLY said I didn’t like. He would constantly try to buy me shoes, and they were always just not anything I liked. He was trying so hard to be the kind of boyfriend that knew my taste in clothes and shoes, when that didn’t really matter to me at all (and also his taste was just off…). You need to just tell him you want to exchange the ring. It’s not ungrateful. Be grateful for the proposal, but don’t wear a piece of jewelry you don’t like just because of the sentiment. Find a comprable ring you like, and then meet him halfway. You’re engaged! Congratulations, serously. Don’t let this resentment fester. 

Post # 49
Member
769 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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misspix:  I’m sorry you are so disappointed with your proposal, but I don’t really have any sympathy. Reading your post, I kept waiting to get to the really bad part… but that didn’t happen! I think your proposal was sweet and imperfect. Many proposals are! Even if you don’t think it was “us”, it sounds like he put some thought into it, so give the guy a little credit. But it sounds like you had a lot of expectations…

I’m saddened by the fact that you haven’t announced your proposal to anyone because you are so upset about it. Perhaps if you start annoucing it, the excitement of your family and friends will help get you excited for the fact that YOU’RE ENGAGED!! Not telling people is probably very hurtful to your Fiance. 

Post # 50
Member
9 posts
Newbee

I understand where you are coming from. However, let’s be honest about what you really want here. Proposal is just that,…proposal. What really matters more is the many memorable moments..good and bad… and a lifelong companionship that come after that. I think sometimes we just need to be real and not get caught up in all the high expectations and the princess moments. Sometimes, guys really just don’t get it. In this case, I really think that your fiance did try..and it’s just unfortunate that from your perception, his plan of a lowkey proposal wasn’t meeting your expectations. 

I can totally relate to you. For me, there was never really a proposal moment either. We literally sat down and had a talk on our life situations and whether we wanted to move forward and ge married to clear out some of the hurdles in our life (e.g. for financial, insurance and for legal purposes). It wasn’t any proposal or anything. It was just a joint decision that was literally like..ok..let’s get married..this makes sense to us. We didn’t even have an engagement ring or anything..and literally just went to the courthouse to sign a paper a few weeks after coming to our decisions and informing both sides of the families.

Sure, the proposal was never there or, in your case, wasn’t anything as memorable. For a while, I was sort of sad that it wasn’t what I was expecting growing up as a kid either (my case, I have always wanted someone to really ask me to marry him..but it turned out…it was more of a discussion that needed some sort of closure..instead of the rosy moments of sweet, romantic proposal that I grew up thinking of). I once also mentioned this to my now husband, too..and you know what….what he told me is true. Ok, sure things may fall under expectations at times. When you live your life with someone…things are not going to be perfect. In this case, the proposal moment wasn’t perfect either. However, the things that come after the proposal, the marriage…is what commits both of us to working together for a lifetime. For the goods and the bads…..that’s what two people vow to go through together. If a proposal is already making you feel so upset and sad..you get eventually get over it. Over a lifetime, there will more more of the upsets and the sads…but there will also be many more of happiness and excitement in your new chapter as well.

OP, what I recommend is to think long term about what marriage is about. Every relationship will have some small and large bumpy moments. This proposal may be just one small bumpy moments when the two of you are not aligned. But is it really something that will hinder the relationship? To me, it’s not…because I know…there are even more serious, much worse moments that could have come..and I would still choose to go through the lifelong commitment of companionship and love with the guy I chose to marry.

Post # 51
Member
48 posts
Newbee

You’re getting a lot of attitude from other bees, I’m surprised. I think you have every right to be a little upset- but you should be proactive instead of letting it fester into something more. If my BF chose to propose when I was already stressed out and tired, then gave me a ring completely different from what I indicated I liked, and then we went to a blah restaurant and didn’t get to celebrate much, I’d be upset too! He seemed like he chose to do what HE would like, and got you a ring HE liked, but I’m sure if you plan the wedding without listening to anything he says and choose a wedding ring for him totally opposite of what he likes, he’d be upset too! I would simply sit down with him and have an honest conversation- explain that you appreciate the effort, but you’d like a ring more similar to the suggestions you gave him to suit your tastes a little more, and then go out together and celebrate somewhere nice that you both enjoy! 

Post # 52
Member
476 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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Giraffes:  I totally agree with you here.

I think the OP is dissapointed because she pictured something more personalized to what she would like and she’s had a long time to think about the proposal before it happened.

I can relate, I was really afraid my now fiance, wouldn’t be able to keep the proposal a surprise since he’s never been able to surprise me before but I definitely wanted to be surprised– had to talk about it with him a lot, and surprise— I still knew when it was happening but i still cried with happiness after. (Again, this is after me stressing for him to consult with my sister for ideas)

Unforunately, our SO’s can’t read our minds or wishes as well as we think they should.

I would say cut him so slack, but talk to him about your feelings– don’t attack him though because it’s really not his fault. Talk to him with the intent of improving communication, not with anger. 

Post # 53
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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misspix:  I just want to come and give you a big hug.  I get it – you’re happy to be engaged, but it’s hard to be happy because you are so freaking annoyed that the proposal and the ring weren’t just a little bit more how you would have wanted it, and then you’re frustrated because you can’t get over how you feel, even though you don’t think you “should” have wanted something “big”, but you feel like he could have understood you a little bit better, or made it a little bit more about you, and…

Here’s the thing.  You are now (most likely) going to spend a lot of long and (hopefully happy) years together.  The proposal and ring are water under the bridge now, and whether they are something you snuggle up and giggle about later or something that you secretly resent him for and don’t want to think about for years to come have to do with how you take it from here.

My take?  (Since you asked for input from random internet strangers? 😉 ) – this is a great time to learn that it’s okay to ASK for what you want.  Over and over and over again, if need be.

TBH, it sounds like your Fiance might have choked a little bit under the pressure – like he felt like he had no idea what to do, and so he just did the Mario thing, and he wasn’t sure what else…

I have to be honest with you – I’m also in my mid-30’s (when I felt a little old for some of the hoopla) and we had been together for a few years, but I did end up getting exactly the ring I wanted, and my proposal was beyond the wildest dreams of incredible … and I’m not – believe it or not – telling you the story to make you feel bad (there’s a whole ridiculous wedding industry and slew of pinteresty things that can do that way better than I can) – but to say that what really worked for me was to ASK.

I kind of knew that when the proposal came I’d probably be all emotionally freaked out, and so I told him waaaaaaaay ahead of time that I wanted to be really really clear about what kind of ring I was getting.  He had to bug me to go to stores, but we went, and looked at a lot (I mean, I had never tried on diamonds before, so I wasn’t even sure myself) and a lot of rings, and while he picked it out in the end, it was really really clear to both of us what kind of ring I liked.  That never would have happened if I’d just casually dropped hints that I had a pinterest, you know what I mean?

 

Same with the proposal – I jokingly talked about it enough times that he knew what I’d like really clearly.

Some people might say that’s less romantic, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned, is that if it’s a time when I think I might be disappointed, I do get really clear on what I want.  (And for the record, I did not want an over-the-top proposal … I actually just told him I wanted a good story, because I did – and I wasn’t afraid to admit it 😉 ).  

I know someone whose fiance proposed after a night of drinking as he turned around from the toilet bowl to wipe puke off his mouth, and they have a great story – so this is not – AT ALL – about comparing or anything.  It’s more about acknowledging what you want, and then making it okay to specifically ask for it so that you get it :).

So, for example, if you kind of wish that he had used his writing skills to make a journal for 100 days with 100 reasons he loved you, with a proposal at the end of that – LET HIM KNOW YOU’D LOVE SOMETHING LIKE THAT FOR YOUR NEXT ANNIVERSARY OR WEDDING.

I agree with the PP’s who say it’s not ALL about you – I mean, hopefully you do sweet things for him too – but it’s okay for you to ask specifically for what you want… that’s part of communicating clearly in a relationship.

Let’s take the ring, for example: part of the reason you’re not sure you want to say anything about it is becaue he obviously picked it out because he wanted to make you happy, right? And maybe the reason he didn’t get the one you liked is because you might not have given yourself permission to say, “you know, I don’t want you to spend 2 month’s salary, but I DO want a ring that reflects how we have worked hard to get where we are in life, and our status as mature adults – and I really want it to be (round brilliant, rose gold, etc) because that’s what like”

I think that this whole industry does set us all up for bullshit unrealistic expectations (starting from all those princess cartoons, LOL) but I also think that in a happy relationship, whether it’s about whose turn it is to wash the dishes, what you’d like in bed, how you’d like to be listened to when you get home, or anything else, IT IS OKAY TO ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.  And to tell him.  

And for the record, the super mario thing is super cute.  

Post # 54
Member
3660 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

The only way to 100% ensure you get the ring and proposal you want is to buy the ring yourself and be the one to propose. Outside of that, expect that both of those things will not only be a reflection of you, but of your SO as well. It is not just your proposal story, but his too. And while you are wearing the ring, it is a gift from him to you and it’s not unusual that he’d want some of his vision incorporated into it.

Maybe he knew you were stressed and thought getting engaged would be something that would make you happy if he’s seen you running around being stressed and overworked. Maybe he thought it would give you something to be happy about while you were away. Maybe he’s not the bumbling thoughtless man you are portraying him to be. Maybe he really did what he thought would make you happy and he just got it wrong. How sad that you feel so much shame about it all that you don’t even want to tell people that you two have agreed to spend your lives together. 

 

 

Post # 55
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I think OP was disappointed because the proposal and ring didn’t feel personal. The Mario game was an interst of his, not hers, and the ring was the opposite of what she had said she liked style-wise. On top of that, there were no sweet sentiments from him either. I don’t think it’s fair to judge her for her feelings. Yes, she should be happy to be engaged to the man she loves, but that doesn’t mean she can’t also feel a bit dissapointed at the way it happened.

I understand exactly what she means about not needing a Hollywood-esque proposal but still hoping for a bit more than what she received. I think it’s possibly a simple miscommunication between her and him about what she meant by that. I too told my fiance that I didn’t need anything over the top like a skywriter or flash mob. What I did tell him though was that I wanted to feel special and like he put thought into it. I think that’s what OP feels was missing here. For me, that was really important because in my relationship, I am the planner and the one that goes out of my way to make things like birthdays and anniversaries special. My fiance has me book my own birthday dinner reservations and such, because that’s more the sort of thing I’m good at and he’s not. I’m fine with that and it works for us- I enjoy planning things and he doesn’t. However I did want to feel like he made that effort for our proposal. Him stepping outside of his comfort zone and taking the time to plan something out was very meaningful to me and truly made me feel special.

I think she needs to talk to her fiance about this. He probably did think she would really enjoy the proposal, and simply misjudged what it was that she would like. I think just communicating about it might be all she needs to feel better. Hearing him say how he planned out the Mario thing and why he thought she would love the ring will hopefully give her that special feeling that she felt was lacking.

Post # 56
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016 - Hunter Valley

I don’t think all the romance has to be crammed into the proposal! My proposal was also very low key and low on word count lol and Fiance was so nervous he forgot to get down on one knee to ask. My point is even though it wasn’t at all how I imagined it it makes me day when he now comes out with statements like I can’t wait to marry you or we should have done this years ago because he’s so excited too. It your Fiance isn’t showing some kind of interest and excitement after the fact then id be wondering if it is something he wanted. Also I would ask him about the choice of ring but be careful to tread lightly with that one as he probably feels like he put in a lot of effort to find it  just for you. 

Post # 58
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

When I read posts like yours about the lack of “listening” to what women would like in a ring, I wonder how some of these guys would feel if a woman picked out a purple minivan for them and told them they’d have to drive it the rest of their lives when what they asked and hoped for for was a black Camaro…

Post # 59
Member
2921 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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flower895:  yes!!!! 

Post # 60
Member
1206 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Omaha, NE

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