(Closed) Really depressed after lackluster proposal.

posted 6 years ago in Proposals
Post # 61
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

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misspix:  if you are going on a romantic getaway, I think the reason he asked you beforehand in the manner that he did is he was nervous. He dreaded the vacation with the proposal hanging over his head — and what if you had said no lol and he was in close quarters on vacation with you. 

As for the ring, at least you said it’s small so it can hardly be tasteless. Upgrade later on. But for now don’t start your engagement/married life with discussion of the ring.

Post # 62
Member
476 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

 

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misspix:  I think it’s okay to have a talk and say since you will be switching out the band, would it be okay to pick out something that is more your style and can be worn with any outfit? *Hint hint*

I think he’d be able to at least appreciate the practical aspect of this.

I had to pick my ring– setting and exact diamond because I’m in a long distance relationship and he wasn’t sure what I’d like.. cuz even I didnt’ know what I’d like! I don’t really wear jewelry which is why I was super particular because the one piece of jewelry I’d wear the rest of my life, I’d better love it goshdarnit lol

He may be a bit dissapointed/hurt at first but he’ll get over it, and be super happy once you’re beaming over the ring and thanking him profusely after hahah ๐Ÿ™‚

Good luck! Let us know how it goes!

Post # 63
Member
2268 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

As a Mario lover, this is awesome! Kinda jealous my Fi didn’t do that ๐Ÿ˜‰

Not going to lie, you probably won’t get as much support here as you want. I don’t know why women expect these elaborate proposals. Be thankful, and blessed, to have a man who WOULD buy a ring for you! Who cares if you didn’t write your name in fireworks! He loves you enough to marry you!

Post # 64
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think you can fault his proposal. It sounded to me like he really tried. Maybe he should have tested out his level first, maybe he should have planned something special for the night, but he tried. And I think it was a cute and unique way to propose. If people ask about how he proposed, there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying “He made a custom Mario level and spelled out Marry Me? with blocks”. That sounds romantic to me. You don’t have to give details about how it didn’t work quite the way he wanted it to. 

He probably didn’t wait until your special vacation because it’s nerve racking! I read a story on here the other day where the girl wanted the proposal so bad and she waited for 4 years, trying to be patient. Her guy proposes and she turns him down because she felt she shouldn’t have had to wait that long…. It’s a lot of pressure on the guy!

As for the ring, I think you should talk to him. If you are getting the metal changed, you may as well look at changing the ring. If it ends up costing more, you can offer to pay the difference. 

Post # 65
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I totally think you have the right to be upset about the ring. My husband knew I wanted white gold with a small diamond (no specifications on the diamond, tiny is OK)  and that the rest was up to him. He got me a gorgeous white gold diamond ring. If he had got me a yellow gold ring with a purple stone, I would have been upset.. Because it’s not about the ring, it’s about someone you love not listening to you. If my husband told me he wanted a blue sweater for Xmas and I got him a yellow T shirt, I think he’d be a bit upset too . I totally sympathise with the OP..She didn’t want a big Hollywood do,she just wanted to feel like he had taken her into consideration instead of doing it all his way. That’s fair enough. 

Post # 66
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Well, I know how you feel. With us, I couldn’t even convince him that it was ok to go buy me an engagement ring, he kept saying we need to be financially secure. I found one while out by myself and told him about it. He said I should just go buy it. I was like,  ok but I still want a real proposal. On my birthday while on a trip out of town he did the proposal,  but it wasn’t spectacular or anything. I probably wouldn’t be engaged right now if I hadn’t pushed for it. Probably should have pushed for it sooner,  seeing as how were going on 11 years together. Lol.

Post # 67
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

Whenever these posts come up there are always those comments that read: He loves you, he wants to spend his life with you, you should be happy!

But I think the disappointment in these proposals comes from, on some level, feeling like the gesture doesn’t match the commitment. Like you just opened an acceptance letter to your dream school and found it written on a post-it. In crayon.

And I think disappointment can also come from the level committment attached. I think for some ladies, going from girlfriend to fiance means the stakes are higher. For others its just another label, and they take it more in stride. Couples deal with milestones differently. But for those who take it very seriously, I think it can be kinda scary to officially enter into the biggest commitment of your life and feel like from the word go that either you’re taking it more seriously or that you’re coming face to face with the fact that maybe he doesn’t totally “get” you all the time (that’s OK as long as he’s trying!) but despite this you are agreeing to get married – it can definitely raise internal questions!

I kind of get it.

But I guess my strategy would be to ask myself if in general, every day, he makes me feel loved: if I can confidently say that he will make a good husband and will be there for no matter what. If I had no doubt about those things, I could let put aside a proposal that didn’t feel “us.” I think what worries some brides-to-be is that a lackluster proposal is a symptom of a deeper apathy.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by queenester.
Post # 68
Member
19 posts
Newbee

OP, I completely understand where you are coming from. I honestly can’t understand why so many of these ladies are being so inconsiderate; I’m new to the Bee… is this a common practice, here?

When you KNOW that the man you love is capable of so much more, it is completely, 100% okay to be disappointed with lackluster follow-through. Pre-planning is incredibly important to me, too. I don’t necessarily want or need special life events to be over the top, but I do truly appreciate -and expect- a great deal of thought to go into them.

When it comes to the ring, I would be completely honest with your fiance. If costume jewelry isn’t your personal jam, and you know that your joint finances can cover what you actually want, you need to communicate that sentiment.

Post # 69
Member
2922 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

I think the proposal sounds cute, as for the ring, at least it sounds like he’s open to exchanging it. As for your disappointment, I understand on some level. I love my Fiance and he is the most thoughtful and sweet guy, he always treats me like a queen so I guess I had expectations for the proposal, not a grand show or anything because that isn’t his style but I thought he would have a lot to say about how he felt. I was honest with him, I told him that I love him and that the proposal was beautiful and that I’ll always cherish the moment but that I had expected him to say more and to get down on one knee. I asked why he chose to do it the way he did, and he told me that in the moment he didn’t have words and that it felt hard just to get out “will you marry me” because he was nervous. He also said that because we had talked about getting engaged so much, he didn’t feel like he needed to make a long speech, since we knew we both wanted the same thing. It made me feel so much better to hear his outlook on it, and understand how he was feeling in the moment, because he seemed so calm and collected but now I know that he was feeling nervous and excited. Maybe just have a heart to heart with him about it, in a way that won’t hurt his feelings but that explains that you had a different expectation.

Post # 70
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

Hmmm, I dated my husband for 5 years before he proposed, and I insisted on picking out my own ring. No grand romantic gesture, and sure it wasn’t a suprise. But I LOVE my ring, and it all worked out in the end. 6 months married ๐Ÿ™‚ You will forget about the ring just as soon as you start talking logistics of wedding planning, by then it is history.

Post # 71
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2006

Honestly I would be upset too. But it’s important to vent and get your feelings out there so you can move on.  Your Fiance sounds a lot like my husband. He is excited and thought that his effort was good, but in the end it fell short to your expectations. It is OK to feel hurt and to feel a little ripped off. I know the feeling you get when you send hints or say something straight up and it is not acknowledged, it makes me feel like my opinions/voice are not heard/important. I feel like that sometimes especially with romantic things but we have been married for over 9 years now and I wouldn’t pick anyone else. I have to remind myself that all the other good things outweigh his enormous lack of effort in the romance department.

So, just wanted to send a hug from someone who knows and understands how you feel. It is hard and it was a little sad for him to pick that tiny ring and propose at a not so special time, but I can tell you that years from now, when you tell this story, and you love him so much more, you will find it hard to not adore your proposal story. I felt like my husband did not put that much effort into our proposal either, but when I tell the story and think of it now that I know him so much better, I love our proposal story and it really warms my heart.

I’m sad for you that so many people chose to attack you for feeling the way you do. You guys have been together for such a long time and have so much going on together that I’m sure it was natural for you to assume he would put more effort in or at least get you a ring that you love. Knowing myself, I would have expected the same for me. It’s not about the ring, but in the end you want to feel like your desires are acknowledged. You have the right to feel as you do.

I would recommend having a conversation with him about why you’re not exactly thrilled with the ring and letting him know that you appreciate his rationale about Iceland, but that it hurt you that he did not get you something similar to what you’ve been hinting because it made you feel like he did not care about what you wanted.  It’s important to get your feelings out to him especially about stuff like this because it sets the stage for your future. If he learns now that it hurts you when he doesn’t acknowledge something you’ve mentioned or emphasized, he is more likely to pay attention to what you want/need in the future.

Also, I would suggest announcing to your friends and family that you’re engaged. Everyone’s joy and excitement will help you get past this and onto the planning ๐Ÿ™‚  Congratulations on your engagement!!

Post # 72
Member
876 posts
Busy bee

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misspix:  I think that maybe the fact that he picked a ring that reflects a lack of attention to details that you have made clear to him is what is making the entire proposal seem lackluster.

I’m trying to play devil’s advocate here but hey, even if you guys don’t have any special bond over Mario or video games, he already proposed in a way that he thought was original and yes, maybe telling you how much you meant to him might have sounded way better than the insurance comment, maybe he got nervous and just blurted something random out. Those are things I would not dwell on.

As far as the ring goes, I’m definitely not in the camp of “you should just be happy he proposed”. The fact that you made it pretty clear what you wanted/didn’t want and liked/didn’t like and told him who to ask for opinions and he chose to ask people who have no knowledge of your taste in jewelry would peeve me too. It probably isn’t the way he was thinking about it, but it makes it seem like he doesn’t care about what YOU wanted. I would bring up the fact that you wanted a certain setting/style and since it sounds like you guys are going to have to modify or change rings because of your allergy issues anyway, you should definitely go with him to pick out what you want.

Post # 73
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Beyonce sang about this…’Let me upgrade ya’ haha… Sorry the proposal wasn’t up to your liking, think it would have gone better if the ring was amazing. I’d say 3-5 year upgrade is in order ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 74
Member
2864 posts
Sugar bee

Probably I am oddball but…

While I would not expect a hollywood proposal (In fact, far from it since I am a jeans and a tshirt kinda gal and would want the proposal to be pretty ‘down to earth’ if given a choice), I would really appreciate if my fella put some thought into it along with some thought into the ring purchase (which doesnt mean expensive, but if he asks me my opinion, I would be hopeful that he would listen. After all, I am wearing it for the rest of my life).

So no, just handing me over a box and telling me that now we can have the same insurance WOULD disappoint me. Like, I don’t understand how this could not be. You get proposed to (hopefully?) once. However, it won’t ruin my week or anything and I would still be overjoyed that he did it but it does not take away from the fact that I would have wished for something a bit passionate.

Post # 75
Member
598 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: A restaurant on the beach

I’m on the fence about this one. A proposal is ONE DAY in a LIFETIME together. It doesn’t matter if it fits your description of what a proposal should be. It only matters that he asked and you said yes and now you get to have that lifetime with someone you love. My boyfriend could ask me to marry him while I’m on the toilet and I’d still be excited. However, the ring is a completely different issue. You have to wear that ring for the rest of your life so you should be happy with it. You need to tell him that the ring is unacceptable. The two of you should work out a budget and then buy a new ring. This time you have the untlimate say and he can lend his opinion on what he likes best. I am super picky about my jewelry so my boyfriend is allowing me to choose the ring. 

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