Really devastating MIL fight

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
1039 posts
Bumble bee

mseagles:  oook. Mother-In-Law was in the wrong by throwing a tantrum, but by your own admission, you didn’t help this much. I think you might be expecting a little too much from your Mother-In-Law and his family to fill a void for you and at this point I think thats an unrealistic expectation.

From your last post, you may want to go seek counciling. If you are already in counciling, you might want to talk about some increased support, in particular since you aren’t eating. 

Post # 19
Member
683 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

you are looking at it the wrong way. He doesn’t have a strained relationship with his mother because of you, its her decision and her actions that have carried you to this point. Don’t take the blame and end something good because she wont back off.

I had to cut ties with my mom for a while for similar reasons. My husband insisted on it after a certain point and in hind weight, and even then really, I understood and knew it needed to be done. I still have a strained relationship with my mom because of her actions and her boundary issues but it has gotten Bette. It took me cutting her out for her to realize that I wasn’t just going to back down simply because she is my mom. Your Mother-In-Law seems to think your his and will and I that’s the kind of man she raised, a man to abandon his family, that shows a lot on her part.

Post # 21
Member
1039 posts
Bumble bee

mseagles:  Well I’m not a psychologist but I know that when someone shares intimate details about their childhood I assume that they trust me and with a Mother-In-Law its probably why she struggles to maintain boundaries; because she’s confused as to where they are? Again this is just going off of this post and not anything else on your husbands family so if there is more here than I’m wrong which is why I suggest talking to a professional

Post # 23
Member
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I can totally relate to what you told your Mother-In-Law – my Fiance for the life of him cannot understand how difficult my childhood was and why it affects how much interaction I want with his family.  I’m bipolar, and family events are a major trigger for me, I find them incredibly stressful and hate the huge get togethers that his family favour.  

Like a previous poster said, my attitude is that I don’t have to be bosom buddies with his family.  I would never stop him from seeing them, but I don’t have to be there all the time.  I’m civil and friendly, but that’s it.   

You are his main family now.  A healthy grown up adult leaves their family and builds a new one of their own with their choice of partner.  The idea that you should seperate from your husband because your Mother-In-Law can’t accept this is a complete non-starter.

You don’t negotiate with terrorists – and that is what your Mother-In-Law is being.  

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  Baal.
Post # 24
Member
2129 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

 

ChicoryCreek:   My ass is now sufficiently raw from all the ass kissing his parents do nowadays.

LOL… Healthy Boundaries are LIFE CHANGING aren’t they!!! 🙂

Post # 25
Member
11789 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

This sounds like a messed up and  complicated situation that has perspectives on both sides. In addition to individual counseling, would you consider some sessions of family therapy?  From the little you have disclosed, I feel it’s difficult to know you, your Mother-In-Law or this situation well enough to weigh in intelligently. 

Post # 26
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Baal:  I always read posts before I read who writes them, and every time I read one of yours about family it is like a page of my life journal, but much wiser! I agree with you completely.

mseagles:  OP, I don’t think you were completely farfetched to tell this to your Mother-In-Law, especially if you were seeking the same acceptance your husband gave and thought you’d receive it. I’ve opened up to friends I’ve shared all sorts of things with, but the second you share “your story” everything changes. For some reason it always seems to put them in a place of acceptance or rejection, whether they will understand you and care for you and look out for you or deem you irrational and crazy or there to cause problems (depending on your story).

However, I do hope a few days later you’re feeling a little better. Please keep the best ally you have on your side-your husband-and don’t give him up. Those of us without families know we can survive without them, especially negative ones. It would be better for his side to shape up than to lose something good- the two of you!

Hugs to you, kind Bee!

 

Post # 30
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

mseagles:  

As someone who lives with PTSD, I have sympathy for how traumatizing certain events can feel. It is best not to put yourself in traumatizing situations, especially when there will be a toxic family member present who will add to your existing trauma. 

Your Mother-In-Law is expecting you to be family oriented even though she is being anything but. She is probably used to family being afraid to contradict her because of her personality. My mother is just like that but she has toned down her controlling behavior because she knows I won’t stand for it. 

As I said in the other thread, you and your fiance need to learn to set boundaries. There is no reason why you should lend your Mother-In-Law money when she is so awful to you, especially since she lives an expensive life. Your fiance needs to let his mother know that her threats to cut you off will only hurt her in the end. Do not let your Mother-In-Law ruin your marriage because that is exactly what she wants. 

Read “Toxic In-Laws” by Susan Forward. That book is filled with strategies on how to handle in-laws that are erratic and controlling. 

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