(Closed) Really feeling the weight of the budget..need advice

posted 6 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Sit him down and ahve a discussion about your budget as a couple.  Make it about the budget first, wedding second.  It’s not fair for him to expect you to pay for everything but why are you planning a big wedding if he is currently unemployed?  I somewhat understand his hesitation to shell out money for a wedding right now.

Either way, you need to create a budget as a couple.  How much do you each make every month and how much do you each pay in bills evrey month.  Then calculate what you both can save each month towards the wedding.  If he balks, ask him why he does not want to contribute to your wedding since it is for both of you.  Maybe he wants to scale back but doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you about it.

You need to square away talking about money and budgets now before you get married because one of the major causes of divorce is financial differences (i.e. fighting over money or having different ideas of budgeting.)

Post # 4
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

For contrast, my FH took on an additional job and overtime hours so he could save up more money to pay for our wedding.  I didn’t have to ask him and since I am usually the budgeter of the family, I was pleasantly surprised to see how easily he could commit himself to saving up large amounts of money when we need it.  It was a huge relief and helped me feel even more comfortable and confident in our marriage.

Post # 5
Hostess
8576 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Wow.. it was my understanding that a wedding is for both of you, and I think both of you should be involved with paying for it!

Personally, if my fi didn’t help out, I would be very annoyed with him. We both want to get married, and although I’m planning it a bit more elaborate than he had imagined, he has never once complained. We immediately take $400 out of each of our checks and buy things or put it aside for the wedding.

I still let fi buy clothes or games and things, but it’s not near as much as it used to be. I think he’s okay with it because its just temporary, we’ll work our butts off and save tons for about 8 months, then we’ll back free of debt and can spend freely again.

Post # 6
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Does he know how much money you are personally putting away? Does he see how you are on a strict budget, while he is not? As much as speaking in cliches bothers me, some men are really just clueless…

I don’t hesitate to tell my Fiance that he’s spending too much money on this or that, when we have bills to pay and a wedding to save for. I have also taken to telling him what I’m sacrificing to save…new clothes, a haircut, my favorite snacks, not taking our daughter to the park to save gas, etc. It can come across as bitchy sometimes, but just telling him to save money better doesn’t work. He needs examples! He probably does intend to start saving when business picks up, but he needs to reign it in before that…it’s really hard to stop spending so much money on a regular basis all at once.

Post # 9
Hostess
8576 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

@LabDarling:  Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that you didn’t want him to purchase things.

I just think that not ever spending a little money on yourself here and there can really be a downer. What’s the point of working your butt off if you don’t get a little reward here and there.

I was merely giving an example, that’s all.

But if he’s purchasing things all too often [things that are more WANTS than NEEDS], then yeah, he needs to buckle down and pitch in.

Post # 10
Member
9548 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I agree that you need to have a discussion with him. What are you planning to do with finances once your married – will they still be separate or merged? Being able to talk about money and spending vs saving is super super important for a relationship.

I would also recommend asking him to pay for some specific things. That may be easier for him to wrap his head around rather than just giving you $50 here and there.

Post # 11
Member
8444 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@beachbride1216:  +1, learn to budget as a couple now, it’s one of the skills that you will need to have a successful marriage.  Explain to him how important it is, and he should come around.

Post # 12
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

Might I sudgest something old school that may help you out.

The wedding jug!

You see this jug and you will want to put in 20 bucks or 10 bucks or a dollar, or change. it stands out and if a physical reminder of what you are saving for. 

it may work better the him giving you money in your hand

I also have a savings account to which we dump the money from the jug into on a quarterly basis.

Post # 13
Member
11270 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@LabDarling:  definitely sit down with him and go over the wedding budget together.  keep the wedding budget/account separate.  figure out how much you both need to contribute every month and a running total of where you need to be at versus actual every week/month.  you need him to verbally agree with these amounts that need to be saved.  make sure he understands.

now, put the pen and paper in his hands.

i would then ask him to manage the budget.  he is now in charge of making sure that the two of you are putting aside what is necessary every month.  how much is saved?  is there a variance?  plus or minus?  sometimes people need to do the math themselves to be able to actually grasp what is expected.  (i would still be doing a budget myself on the side).

this excercise may help him not only with the wedding budget but also with the household budget in the future.

Post # 14
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

you guys need to sit down and discuss (and agree on) both a budget for the wedding, as well as a spending plan. 

Post # 15
Member
933 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

14 months probably feels really far away to him, which is why he feels like he’s enjoying himself before he needs to start saving.

I think it’s okay for you to be the “budget boss” if he cooperates. It seems like a huge turnabout to just tell him, “Here’s the budget, you fix it!” Plus I know myself, and I could never relinquish control like that to someone who I don’t even trust to save enough for the wedding.

I think you need to estimate how much his parents will contribute, subtract it from the total wedding budget, divide that by 14 months, subtract 350 (or 700 if you get paid monthly) from the monthly value, and say, “this is the amount that we are short by each month if we want to have the wedding paid off by the time we are married, and I want that, and I want you to help us get there.”

I also think this is not the last conversation you will have to have with your future husband about money, so go for it.

Post # 16
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Best advice like PP have said, just said him down and maybe go through a line item amount of how much everything is estimated to be, just to give him a reality check of the whole picture.

You’ve still got a lot of time until your wedding and it’s possible that he is looking at it in that respect.  My fiance and I have had a long engagement (wedding in May, got engaged last February), and we’ve had our fair share of discussions about money over time.  He wasn’t setting much aside, and was betting on his parents just as you say your fiance is, but I am the opposite when it comes to financial planning, and was able to sit him down and really tell him how I felt and he completely understood where I was coming from and began to save more.  He was really just eating lunch out 3-4 times a week for work and that tends to add up, so now he comes home and just has a sandwhich.  

If you can try to figure out where he is spending the most money, then come up with a reasonable alternative to that, hopefully he will hear you out.  If he is constantly spending money on frivalous things, like clothes and video games, find a way to make him realize those aren’t that important in the scheme of things if say, you want to have a nice honeymoon together.  Put it in those terms, like, “Oh that $100 you spent at the mall today would have made for a really nice, romantic dinner when we are on our honeymoon.”  Something like that.  Sometimes guys need to be able to relate A to B and girls have to build the bridge to show them how things correlate.  

Also, think about the types of personal expenses he is liable for.  My fiances has a lot more personal debt than I do, so it’s easier for me to save, whereas, he has less once all his bills are paid.

One question about him drawing unemployment…is he following the guidelines in reporting the income he makes DJing?  Is he applying for the required number of jobs a week and reporting them correctly?  

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