(Closed) really guilty conscience…advice

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
2588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I don’t consider older teenagers to be “kids,” honestly. =/ Nor do you owe an explanation to guests–just say you’ve opted to only invite people aged 18 and up.

Post # 4
825 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Just don’t include them on the invitation and they’ll get the hint. 

Post # 6
955 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I agree with you da3lyn. My FH was totally NOT onboard with not inviting the kiddos, but the ones I wanted to stay away from were the very young ones (under 1yr). Because you truly can’t “control” them, they are too young. To me it is a very special & private day, I kind of feel weird having people there anyway, so the last thing I need is a baby crying while we are taking our vows. Call me selfish if you want, but everyone wants different thing for their wedding, we all can’t agree. I love kids, I just really don’t want them at the wedding. I actually posted a comment on facebook to the fact we were arguing over inviting/ not inviting kids. The response I got was overwhelmingly good. Our friend with small children totally understood, said most wedding they have been invited to have been the same. The only negatives were from my family member, which i new was gonna happen 🙁 FH is very worried about the older kids because as you have also stated, some of my family members have not taught their children from right and wrong. So we are only invited my sisters 4 kids ( they might not be able to come anyway because of school) and a cousin from out of state. I do feel bad sometimes but I am sticking to my guns!

Post # 7
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

We went back and forth on this so many times, just because between our two families and friends we would have 38 kids under 12 at our wedding. However, ultimately it came down to, that I couldn’t see not having my cousins there, and how could we invite the three of them and not the rest? But I think it’s a totally ligit and fair choice to not have children at the wedding and makes total sense to me!You shouldn’t feel bad about it any way, lots of couples choose to have adult only receptions.

Post # 8
1871 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

It’s your wedding, so you can invite whomever you want.

If you choose not to have kids, though, be prepared for some headaches, like the one you’re having (which will get worse, by the way, if you attempt to “slice and dice” the kids–ie, no one under 12 or first-cousins but not second-cousins, or only those from west of the Rockies etc. etc.). A preemptive explanation like your Fiance is advocating will only make things worse. At best, talking to the parents directly it’ll imply that it’s personal and there really IS something wrong with the kids in question (to the point that you have to literally sit down with them to explain this); at worst it’ll do that AND give the parents opportunity to refute you at certain points.

I think that the best response seems to be a) address the invite to the parents only and b) have someone other than you or Fiance (unless you are the only ones close to the people or no one else will do it) explain to the parents WHEN THEY ASK (or when they so nicely decide to add their children on the response-card) that “although we love Jr. and Missy Mae and can’t wait to see them again, the reception is not appropriate for children.” That’s really all you need to say. But preemptively offering an explanation is asking for more headaches and it’s kind of rude–it’s like saying to someone “I’m having a birthday and you CAN’T COME!” before they’ve even directly expressed a desire to come. You can always try and sweeten the deal if you have a morning-after brunch by allowing children at that event.

Don’t be surprised if the whole family doesn’t come to your wedding, though.

Post # 10
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

if their reaction is that …”they aren’t responsible enough to stay at home alone at the age of 16, 17, or 18″…then my response is “why are they responsible enough to come to my reception and be expected to behave?”

You said it perfectly. Kids that age should be able to behave but these ones obviously don’t. Stealing money from your wallet at Christmas? That is so unacceptable. Maybe if the parents were more responsible for disciplining their children then they could bring their kids along with them to the wedding.

Our one invited child is my 12 year old Future Brother-In-Law and thankfully he is actually better behaved than some of our adult guests.

Post # 12
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I totally think your plan and reasoning is legitimate.  And you certainly don’t owe anyone an explaination – but if they ask for it, yours is great!

Post # 13
1765 posts
Buzzing bee

It is your day and you don’t owe any one any reasons or apologies.  I stayed at home alone when I was 9 when my parents went out.  Besides, I’d hate to be one of your guests and get money stolen at your wedding! Yikes!  The “kids” can stay home-and none of them should need a babysitter, except maybe the 9yr old.  Don’t feel guilty!

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