Post # 1
A little background: I moved about 7 hours away from my hometown but I am still close with my best friends from back home. One of my friends from childhood has some issues with being bipolar and is VERY moody, but currently getting help for all of that. I know she’s having some issues with her meds and family right now, she was always squeamish about dating/marriage, but that’s no excuse for what she said online!
I had posted a semi-sweet post on FI’s wall, nothing too saccharine. This “friend” of mine commented on the status, “I can’t wait until you two are divorced and miserable.” WTF?!
Regardless of any mood disorder she has, she’s got to know that is a totally unacceptable thing to even joke around about. I am not sure how to approach this situation. FI knows her well (in fact we sort of met through her) and he said I shouldn’t talk to her until she apologizes. I do think that an apology is in order, but I am not sure if I should tell her how hurt/offended I am or if I should just ignore her until she apologizes on her own (I’m not even sure she’d get that I’m ignoring her for a reason though!).
Furthermore, she keeps saying how she’s going to be “blackout drunk” at my wedding etc. This is confusing to me because she keeps hinting that she wants to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man (we haven’t decided yet if we are going to have a bridal party) and came with me to pick out a wedding dress. Now, I am having an intimate ceremony/reception where I live now (I think it will be mostly immediate family, but I would have potentially invited her since we are lifelong friends) and a casual reception back home (which everyone will be invited to).
Oy vay. Any thoughts or advice bees? I am trying not to let a facebook comment get me too upset but this was a little too snarky for me.
Post # 3
Holy crap! Talk about uncalled for. Ok…
1. Under no circumstances should you allow this girl to be in your wedding.
2. If she continues to make references about being “black out drunk”, I would seriously reconsider even inviting her. I worry what she would say at your wedding if she had the balls to post that bullshit on FB.
3. If it were me, I wouldn’t even hesitate to say something to her about the comment. That is rude, cruel and CRAZY. This is something that I would not get over too easily, regardless of her mental issues.
Post # 4
I’m sure she meant it to be funny… it just fell flat.
I’d probably just write back something like “don’t hold your breath” and let it go.
Post # 5
Well for one, don’t have her be a bridesmaid. She will just make your life miserable through all the planning, and puts her in a prime spot to potentially ruin your day or photos. To keep her from getting drunk at the wedding, tell the bartender to cut people off, or put a mutual friend in charge of keeping tabs on her.
As for the facebook comment, I would probably be upfront about it. Maybe PM her with, I’m not sure what you intended with this comment, but I find it offensive and distasteful. I would appreciate if you didn’t say things like this again.
Post # 6
What she said was very rude and hurtful, regardless of any issues she is having or opinions she has of dating and marriage.
If it were me I would call her and tell you that what she said was inappropriate and upset you, it might turn out she just made a very bad taste joke or it might bring up other issues. I would bring up her comments about being black out drunk and just talk it all out so then at least you know she knows exactly how you feel.
And don’t feel like you shouldn’t be upset because it was on facebook, what she said was wrong and you have every right to be upset by it (I’ve been through very similiar situations)
Post # 7
not gunna lie… I would cry if someone wrote something like that on a post. That is totally uncalled for!
I think you definitely need to write her a message calmly explaining that that was not ok at all and she needs to take a look at how she is behaving to people. I don’t even know if I would be able to get over that
Post # 8
If I were you I’de call her and ask her the the F is her problem. I don’t care what your situation is the comment was uncalled for and brutal. She sounds bitter and resentful of your happiness.
Do not allow this girl to be a bridesmaid. What if she said that out loud at your wedding? Also, if all she wants to do is get drunk at your intimate affair I’de reconsider whether or not I want to subject all the rest of my guests to such an unhappy soul.
I’m sorry she said that to you. That was mean and hurtful and I hope she realizes that,
Post # 9
If you’re interested in keeping the friendship, then I would tell her tactfully (without making judgements or attacking back I mean) that you found her comments to be hurtful. It doesn’t have to be a big deal- just tell her that you’re not sure why she said what she did but that it hurt your feelings because you and your fiance love each other and are looking forward to your wedding day. This puts the ball in her court, leaving it up to her to apologize- if she doesn’t, then you can assess where you want your friendship to go from there. I think it’s important that she know how hurtful her comment was to you or else it may build up resentment and distrust.
It sounds like she was probably going through a depressive episode and didn’t think clearly about what she was writing. This doesn’t give her any excuse for what she said, but if you talk to her about how hurtful it was, she may look back on it and realize how horrible her comment was and offer you an apology.
Either way, I would definitely not make her a bridesmaid. You really want fully supportive friends by your side on your wedding day, and if she’s still sorting through her emotional problems, she can’t really be there for you on that day.
Post # 10
I think you need to address it with her (privately…even if it’s just through a message) and let her know that some of the things she’s been saying, are rubbing you the wrong way. See if she apologizes…if she doesn’t, I would probably take a break from her for a while. She might just be acting out, from jealousy or family issues, but that’s no reason for her to take it out on you. Even if she was just joking, you deserve an apology. I know that I personally would feel TERRIBLE if I unintentionally hurt a friend’s feelings trying to be funny. If she doesn’t see what she’s doing wrong, she might not be the kind of person you want at your wedding.
Post # 11
wow. I love SaphireSun’s idea.. nip these sort of comments immediately. I think the “don’t hold your breath” remark is an appropriate response to make a clear point, which is basically – get over it or keep it to yourself. I’ve had someone say something like this to me too. Just keep in mind that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how she is feeling about herself.
Post # 12
That’s an awful thing to say. I agree with PPs that you should talk to her or PM her about it and let her know it was hurtful and you don’t appreciate it. I also agree that you should not have her as a bridesmaid at this point. If things change (she apologizes, changes her tune, etc.), then maybe…but if it were me, I’d be afraid she’d end up doing something to ruin the day for me. Even if she did apologize for the FB comment, she’s still got her plan to get “blackout drunk,” and that’s a recipe for disaster.
Also, just wanted to say, I love your avatar! Pugs are adorable, and I am kind of a Star Wars nerd, so bonus points to you for that. Love it!
Post # 13
My cousin is bipolar as well. We were very close untill 3 years ago…she had a fit, assaulted her boyfriend, got arrested and missed her hair appt for her own brothers wedding, she was a bridesmaid.
I asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor the first time seeing her in 3 years, assuming she had calmed down/grown up. She’s ill, she doesn’t take medicine or therapy. I then decided I just wouldn’t deal with any bridesmaids, so she’s no longer my Maid/Matron of Honor.
I am not inviting her to get ready with me and I told her she’ll need to stay at a hotel as my parents will have too much going on to host her. She’s 23 and comes and burdens us all weeks at a time. I am NOT allowing her negativity near me. She’ll be at the wedding, that is all.
I would suggest you do the same with this girl. Keep civil, but keep your distance. I’m sure her mental illness is what made her want to say that, but she still should have known better.
My cousin pointed to a picture of some of my closest friends and said “how can people like that get married and have babies? They’re not even cute”. I snapped, told her she was being a bitch and I drove an hour back to my place and didn’t see her again.
If you ever need to talk more about what it’s like having a bi-polar bridesmaid/ex-bridesmaid/will always be there friend/family PM me. It’s freaking TOUGH work putting up with all their shit.
Post # 14
I can see how that would hurt your feelings!
It sounds like your friend has some things going on with her. It could be possible that she doesn’t have much of a filter at this time if she is having issues with her meds and family (and add stress of the holidays). It may be that she has limited impluse control, hence the lashing out and making comments about being wasted at the wedding.
Also, keep in mind that even though she says she is going to get “blackout” drunk, there is also the possibility that she won’t.
Post # 15
Recently I chose to let go of a long time friend due to her constant hurtful comments. It sucks, but you know what, life is WAY to short to keep negative people in your life. What this girl said to you is absolutely terrible and there is NO excuse for it, meds or not. What a mean and immature “friend”. If I was you I’d drop the friendship and only keep those in your life that love and respect you for the wonderful person that I’m sure you are! Even if she appoligizes, for me, the friendship would be destroyed. And saying she’s going to be blackout drunk at the wedding? I don’t think I’d even give her the benefit of the doubt that she may just be blowing smoke. I think if she’s capable of hurting you with a comment like that after all those years of friendship, then she’s capable of ruining the wedding too.