(Closed) Really hurtful fb comment from close friend :(

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m so sorry 🙁 That is such an awful comment and completely uncalled for on your friend’s part. Having a mental illness is not an excuse to be rude and hurtful.

Post # 18
Member
6392 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m so sorry! Like others said, you definitely don’t have to downplay what she said just because it was on Facebook. It seems like friendship will be very one-sided from now on, with you being burdened and trying to help her and her lashing out at you in return. If she’s this pissy now, she’s not going to get any better with time as you and your Fiance (then husband!), start your lives together and she sees you’re not getting divorced.

If you salvage the friendship, I would be very careful about not letting her into your life too much. I think she’s only going to keep hurting you, and you seem like a really nice person.

Post # 19
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

WOW that was just wrong on so many levels…and then to expect to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man is asking for too much.  Don’t have her in the wedding and sorry but you SHOULD address it.  Find a way that would be best to talk to her about, if she doesn’t get it then tell her you are sorry, but you don’t want her to be a part of your wedding.  I’m sure it’s rough, but do what makes you and him happy. 

I’d be pissed too, and was when someone said something like that to my face a few weeks ago before we are even engaged.  It was one of my mom’s friends…so she told my mom that she was sorry she didn’t mean to upset me and was only joking.  I said things like that SHOULD NEVER be joked about.

Post # 20
Member
1806 posts
Buzzing bee

I think asking her to be a bridesmaid would just be ASKING for trouble.

Also, I don’t think it’s fair to make excuses for people who have bi-polar disorder. She knew was she was saying. There are plenty of people out there who have bi-polar disorder and know better…I would not have someone who says such hurtful things in my wedding.

I don’t know how much good it can do to ignore her, either. I would be upfront with her. Tell her that she hurt your feelings and make her accountable for her actions! I would also let her know that if she plans on being ‘black-out’ drunk at your wedding she can plan on not being invited. I’m sorry if this all sounds harsh, but nipping this in the bud now would make sure there weren’t more issues later. It sucks that a close friend of yours is even putting you in this position. Good luck!

Post # 21
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

“Also, I don’t think it’s fair to make excuses for people who have bi-polar disorder. She knew was she was saying. There are plenty of people out there who have bi-polar disorder and know better…I would not have someone who says such hurtful things in my wedding.”

 

What this PP said (I have a LOT of experience with bipolar individuals) but also I would recommend having a one-on-one conversation with her – not email, not FB pm, or any other such impersonal method of communication. You need to make sure this was her disease talking before you can decide what the status of your friendship should be. If so and she admits that it was the bipolar talking, then you should be there for her throughout her getting her meds right and her family issues because that is what friends are for, but do make it clear that you will only be there for her as a friend during this hard time in her life if she acts like a friend to you and that what she said was really hurtful. I can’t decide whether you should address the blackout drunk comment. Bridal Party people tend to self-medicate when their meds aren’t right and I think that is something you won’t be able to directly control. I second whoever said you should have someone just keep an eye on her at the wedding.

Oh, and do not disinvite her. That is extremely harsh and would be insensitive on your part. One comment from someone who is a good friend going through a lot of bad stuff herself does not warrant ending a friendship by not inviting her. You need to have a personal conversation with her and see where her head is at before you make any big decisions like that.

Post # 22
Member
1889 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Wow– that is so rude!  I know it is difficult dealing with friends who have severe mental problems.  I would just ignore her right now, and if she tries to talk to you again, you should (calmly) bring up the fact that what she said was hurtful to you and your Fiance.  I had a coworker say something similar to me and even though I didn’t call her out, I’ve never forgotten what she said (and she is definitely not invited to my wedding or any wedding-related parties).  Some people are envious of your relationship and can’t stand to see you happy when they’re depressed and lonely. If you truly want to salvage this relationship, you should bring up how it hurt your feelings next time she talks to you.  A true friend, even one with bipolar disorder, will apologize for hurting your feelings.  Then you both can move on.

As for the getting blackout drunk, I dunno… I’m in my early 20s and a few of my friends have told me how excited they are about getting drunk at my wedding. I’m just like uhhh ok well please don’t embarass me?

Post # 24
Member
565 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

holy crap!  if she’s rooting for yall to have a divorce before you even get married then that is NOT a friend. and the “black-out drunk” comment is also uncalled for. i wouldn’t even invite her to the wedding.  No matter how “bi-polar” she is she has NO exuse to say hurtful things like that she’s an adult, and she has to be responisble for her own actions and words.  wait for her to talk to you, when she talks to you, in an adult, calm way explain that it was an extremly inapproaite coment, and it hurt you and FI’s feelings, and you deserve an apology (b/c both you AND your Fiance deserve an apology from her).  if she won’t offer an apology, then seriously think about why you’re even “friends” with someone so hurtful.  friends build each other up, not tear each other down.

Post # 25
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

good lord, as if you don’t have ENOUGH things to stress about with your upcoming wedding??? She sounds like a horrible “friend”. I would absolutely not speak to her ever again – what reason do you have to even attempt to be friends with her if this is how she’s going to treat you? Honestly, even if she really did feel as though you and your Fiance arent’ meant to be, a true friend would keep her mouth shut!!! Drop her ASAP

Post # 26
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m going to come at this from a different angle, because everyone else has said really good things on the emotional front. 

Don’t invite her to your wedding because she is a serious liability

She’s already unstable and on medication. If she gets blackout drunk and goes out and kills or hurts someone in a car, or drowns in the bathtub, the family of the people she hurts or kills or her own family can sue you – and they can win – most especially because you knew about her problems and her plans to get blackout drunk. Lawsuits like this are brought to court all the time, and you’d be surprised how often they work for the plaintiffs. 

This is the truth, and it is also your handiest excuse when she wants to know why she wasn’t invited. Never mind how inappropriate it is socially or emotionally; if you don’t want to get into it, you can just say “Your threat to get blackout drunk seemed like a dangerous liability that our insurance wouldn’t begin to cover. I’m sorry. We just couldn’t afford it.” 

 

Post # 27
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@fancypants: Wow, that is an awful thing to say. One time my mom told me she can’t wait for me to get married, have kids, then get divorced…. I was so hurt because it was like she wanted me to follow in her footsteps, as in I should aspire to that. So hurtful 🙁

Post # 28
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You’re not going to get anywhere with her by ignoring her.  You need to talk to her. Even if that was said in jest, you need to clear the air and let her know that what she said really hurt you.  You should also talk to her about being “blackout drunk” at your wedding.  If she’s serious about that, I wouldn’t even invite her.  I would also not have her be a bridesmaid.

Post # 29
Member
5104 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
@fancypants: So funny (not “funny ha-ha”, funny ironic) that you are dealing with your bi-polar friend’s hurtful actions because I am going through the EXACT same thing at the moment. Except I made my friend my Maid/Matron of Honor, which we have already decided she CANNOT handle right now (she MISSED the first day I EVER tried on wedding dresses, and lied about why she couldn’t be there, repeatedly….just one of the big issues as of late that really hurt my feelings).

I have to tell myself on a daily basis to be patient with her. I am trying to be understanding about her illness, and also learn more about it. (I just recently got a really good book about bi-polarism. It’s called An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison) She is going through the same trial and error medicine regimine and I know the side effects for most of her meds so far have been less than pleasant.

One of the big things with this illness is the need for attention (during highs, or lows) and also the selfishness. I try not to take things that are said or done quite so personal anymore, even though it is VERY difficult to do so. If my Boyfriend or Best Friend says something that hurts my feelings or is being low, I try to call her on it (not in an agressive way), and let her know how that made me feel. Usually she meant it a different way, or she didn’t even realize what she said hurt me and she would immediately apologize.

Good luck with this issue. For me it will be an on-going struggle, just as it is for my Boyfriend or Best Friend. But in the end I guess you have to ask yourself, is it too much of a struggle, and if you want to even try to salvage this friendship. In my case, I definitely do.

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