- 5 years ago
I just ended a friendship of 13 years after everything came down to what seemed like an ultimatum. sorry for the long rant.
As the Maid/Matron of Honor, maybe I am selfish, but I feel the bride is selfish too. I’m not trying to say the bride shouldn’t put her and her wedding first or that its not a big deal – because it is – but at some point I can’t keep prioritzing my best friend’s wedding over my financial future and emotional well-being.
For the last 10 months, everything has been about the bride and her wedding. I was ok with that but asked the other bridesmaids to be aware that I had financial obligations and needed them to be considerate of that. I thought that the bride would understand if she was a true friend. For the entire year, they have replied that “it’s her big day” “you only get married once” “she’s our best friend” and “this is what she wants” whenever I have raised any concerns. This has made me feel attacked, as why do they feel the need to point out continuously these facts as if I am not already taking her into consideration. Normally the bride is pretty agreeable and I did not think she would have a problem with us doing low key things.
We celebrated her engagement by going for high tea, met multiple times to discuss bridal items, went on a 2 night weekend as her bachelorette which costs me more money than I spent for a vacation for me and my SO, and threw a 40 guest bridal shower. I have spent a lot of time and thought organizing all these events, including 18 hours just preparing for the shower where I didn’t even see my SO for 3 days straight.
We planned to have a second bachelorette because the first one wasn’t wild enough and agreed to something low-key but still rowdy because of all the expensses so far. The other girls were mostly against this, but I told them I wouldn’t be able to attend if they chose the more expensive option. They agreed and we planned for month, but 5 days before the stag they changed the plans. When I said I wouldn’t come, they went back to saying “its our best friend” and “YOLO” as if that somehow changed my circumstances. They all live at home still, while I’m in a comitted relationship and have a mortgage.
I’ve been so hurt by their passive aggressive comments this entire year. Whenever I brought up a concern they made fun of it, and when that concern was true in the end for not just me but everyone, they continued to belittle my future concerns. I feel hurt that they kept implyng that I didn’t care about the bride. I do! But I have to take care of myself too and I don’t feel its anyone’s businness or right to know or tell me about what I do with my own money. When I told them I was hurt, they didn’t even reply.
The bride found out and confronted me. I told her I didn’t want to talk about it right now because it wasn’t the right time and we could discuss it after the wedding. She persisted and said she heard about the surprise second bachelorette and wanted/needed me to be there. But as I explained to her how hurt I was and how the plans were changed and why I wouldn’t be attending, it became clear her main concern was that I didn’t ruin the rest of her wedding events by not getting along with the other bridesmaids. I was hurt to begin with, but now things were worse because in the end it was her wedding related events that mattered to her the most and not my feelings. I was hurting and needed to know she cared, even if she didn’t think my feelings were justified. There is still the rehearsal dinner, another wedding related party, and the wedding to attend, so i asked her why it was not ok for me to not attend 1 of 8 wedding related events. She kept asking for me to think about her and what her wedding meant to her. She said “all the events including and leading up to the wedding are important to me”. I felt like she was trying to guilt trip me. When I explained all the things I had done this year to show her that I was thining about her, she got upset and said I shouldln’t hold favours over her head. That she had paid for our dresses and she wasn’t a bridezilla.
Finally, she said in the end its her wedding and I should think about her. That I should consider whether I even want to be a bridesmaid or if I was just going to show up to the remaining events and make it awkward for everyone else. Yes, this is a legitimate concern. But i pointed out that this entire conversation “not once have you even acknowledged my feelings.” Her response? That my feelings were not valid and she didn’t have time for this bs.
I ended the friendshp. I am so sad and hurt to lose a friend but can’t reconcile the thought of standing beside someone on their wedding day to support them knowing and feeling that I am not supported in return. I had every intention of going to the remaining 3 events, not causing a scene, getting along with everyone. Was it so much to ask that after this entire year being all about the bride that I have this one moment for me to be allowed to be hurt and not about how its messing up her wedding events?