(Closed) Really irritated with my ILs

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2343 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

sheesh! i dont really know what to say except im sorry your going through this!

its rude and inappropiate etc, but if shes done this for 9 yrs, shes not gonna change and i think every time you know your seeing her to just brace yourself for her to be a bitch to you, and just smile and nod.

id even call her a different name like her sisters name or something. haha maybe not but id just accept her as a bitch and dont let it affect you.

you and your hubby have your own family and eventually they will be gone (horrible but true) so just suck it up 🙁

good luck!

Post # 4
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

UGH. ugh ugh ugh!  I can’t stand passive-agressive little shits like your Mother-In-Law sounds!  You have my absolute sympathy, and in the meantime you are right, YOU HAVE ALREADY WON.  They’re just trying to prolong the game so they can upset that score.  

A fantastic book is “Emotional Blackmail” or “Toxic In-Laws”, both by Susan Forward.  You will recognize them in some of the chapters, and she gives great examples of dialogue to use that will allow you to set your terms and hold them to boundaries, while not giving them any fuel to use for their pity-me, victimhood BS.  

Best of luck…those jerks sound awful and crazy.  Don’t let them make YOU crazy!

Post # 6
Member
4495 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Ugh. I can’t blame you for anything that you have said or done – it sounds like they are just going to keep digging rather than grow up and respect you and your husband’s relationship. You’re lucky that your husband takes your side on the issue rather than trying to remain neutral – I’ve seen this happen so many times and cause neverending marital problems. I’m a very direct person and I don’t typically believe in just pretending things are alright and avoiding the problem – to me brushing things under the rug for the sake of avoiding conflict only allows it to fester and get worse.

If it were me and it was to the point that it is with your ILs I would probably want to talk to them too, rather than them just talking to your husband. It doesn’t have to be an argument or a screaming match, but things need to be addressed and resolved amongst everyone. Your Mother-In-Law should not constantly be referring to your husband’s high school girlfriend – that is absolutely ridiculous. It was in high school for God’s sake and you’re now both grown adults 9 years later! And you cannot tell me that after 9 years your Mother-In-Law doesn’t remember your name enough to use it. To me those are intentional acts and meant to twist the knife and I would point it out to her.

I do think the suggestion of calling her by the wrong name is pretty good. It might sound childish but you seem to be dealing with children and often the only way to get through to them is to fight fire with fire. I have a great aunt who can be downright nasty and harps on everyone’s weight. Everyone is too fat – as if it affects her! She will tell someone that is 115 lbs that they need to lose weight and that they look pregnant/awful/sloppy. So people in our family started doing the same to her – “have you lost weight? you look awful!” “are you ill? you’re awfully thin!” And I swear you could almost see the steam coming from her ears. Maybe it doesn’t solve the problem but man the satisfaction is worth it.

Post # 7
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@JemmaWRX:  Let your husband handle it.  Until his parents can act civilly and get over their issues, the interaction will only make your blood boil.

I’m so glad to hear your husband has your back… and, guess what.  No more interaction or visits with the IL’s until they behave – and, even then, keep it on a short tether.

Post # 8
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@JemmaWRX:  Oh my gosh, I would go insane.  Solely focusing on the “meeting” that will occur, I most definitely would attend for a number of reasons:

1. To show them that you and your husband are a team and have each other’s backs.  I know you already said you know this, and that you husband has stood up for you in the past, but this is just another time to show them that they are not breaking the bond you two have.

2.  Anything they want to say about you, they should say it to your face as well.  This gives you a chance to defend your actions/words, and also doesn’t allow them to make up lies without you being there to dispute them.

3.  To help your husband.  Right now it sounds like the meeting would be his mother, father, him.  Two against one.  That can be very draining and I would hate to think he could get brainwashed/bullied into a breaking point, but who knows.

4.  It would drive me crazy to not know the all little details of how this “meeting” (that revolves a lot around you) played out.  Who said what and when did they say it?  How did you respond? etc. etc.  I’m sure your husband is more than willing to be open with you, but from my experience people don’t always remember the details and guys tend to be shorter and want to move past uncomfortable talks like this quickly.  Will he be able to recap everything you want to know?

In the end, he should do most of the talking, defending, explaining, etc., but I still think you should be there.  GOOD LUCK!!

Post # 10
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@JemmaWRX:  Oh gotcha.  I saw you mentioned he had other things to address, but I missed that those issues would be the focus of the conversation, and the issue with you is just a small part.  That makes sense for him to go alone then.  But man would I be on my toes the entire time waiting to hear how it played out!!

Post # 11
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2014

My grandmother was like this to my mum. Good on you for defending yourself. She sounds like a dick.

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