- 4 years ago
- Wedding: March 2017
This is probably more of a vent than anything because I’ve came here a few times to get advice regarding my in-laws, and I’ve gotten some good advice.
If you’ve seen any of my previous threads, you’d see my DH’s dad/stepmom constantly are trying to drag us into their financial issues, expect us to help pay with uneccesary things (a Christmas trip they can’t afford and a $3000 trumpet for DH’s stepbrother; DH did lend them some money several months back and never got it back so), and on top of all that they invite themselves over to our home whenever they feel like it, and if we tell them no, it’s not a good day for us, they get all upset and act like we never see or talk to them.
DH’s sister is in town (her husband is in the military and is away on an assignment so she will be here for a few weeks), and immediately when she got here on Monday had her dad AND his stepbrother call both DH & I to tell us she wanted to see us. We were both home taking a sick day and told them we weren’t feeling good so it would have to be another day, SIL has a baby so we definitely didn’t want her getting sick either. We already had plans to eat out on Friday with DH’s mom, so she texted and asked if she could invite SIL. So we figured we would see her then. SIL then texted DH yesterday and said she was coming over to our house after we got off work. He said no, our house wasn’t ready for people to come over and reminded her we’d see her Friday. She pressed him on the issue until she threw a fit and called DH’s dad. Father-In-Law then calls DH while he is at WORK to tell him he needed to at least come by and see his sister because she was all upset. SIL is 23 years old with a toddler and she is acting like a complete child IMO. You would think she just misses her brother and wanted to see him but she never tries to keep in touch with him normally. Whenever DH was home on leave from the military before we got married, she would make a big deal about him spending time with her while in reality, she just wanted him to spend money on her and buy her food. She even threw a fit once because we were going on a date and she wanted him to go get her food instead, and told him he didn’t need to spend time with me. She also made a big deal about not coming to our wedding because our date was on her DH’s birthday and she was upset they couldn’t go out to celebrate. She did end up coming and left early, left her baby with Father-In-Law & SMIL so they were not even able to help my parents pick up after the wedding after saying they would.
I am tired of all this drama, guilt tripping and manipulation. His father is always texting him passive aggressive comments like, “We never see you since you got married, you never talk to us, are you still alive, etc”, and I know they think it’s me who is keeping DH from them. But in reality, he just doesn’t care to see them that much. Whenever they text him I encourage him we should go by and see them and he refuses to. He just doesn’t have a desire to be close to them and I can’t force him to. They also make zero effort to see us unless they want something and it makes me feel resentful that they try to guilt us over this. I’ve had serious issues with them in the past regarding their treatment of DH and I feel like all they want to do is use us. They invited themselves over to my house 2 weeks ago for a football game, I busted my ass and cleaned and cooked all day just for his two stepsiblings to leave after 30 minutes (after eating), while Father-In-Law and SMIL sat there and acted weird the whole time and didn’t even hardly say a thing. I don’t think it should be all on us to be the ones texting, calling or trying to set up a time to see them, and I also find it unfair they think if we do see them it always has to be at our house. They ran into my mom at Walmart recently and vented about how they never ever see us, asking her how much she’s seen us, etc.
I told my DH he needed to address these issues with them, especially inviting themselves over but he hates confrontation, though he says he will do it because he is sick of it too. I have to go home and clean my house tonight because I know SIL & Mother-In-Law will make a big deal about coming by after dinner. SIL had even told Mother-In-Law before that Father-In-Law & SMIL came to our house ALL the time and Mother-In-Law got upset at my DH because she hadn’t been invited over yet (she lives 4 hours away and comes into town maybe once every other month). That was an obvious lie and an attempt to cause drama. SIL told me way in the past before we got engaged she didn’t think I deserved DH. Not sure if those feelings are still there but I feel like she likes to start drama with us.
I’m to the point where I’m close to having a talk with both Father-In-Law & SIL myself and letting them know how I feel. I don’t hate them at all and whenever I spend time with them they are pleasant enough to be around but I still feel like they are all users. Knowing my SIL I feel she’s so urgent to see DH so she can ask him for money (she has never worked but they are in a bad financial situation because she expects fancy things like a brand new Mercedes). Every one in his family is actually extremely financially irresponsible except him. His mother even asked to borrow money from DH because she gave all her money to SIL for the baby (they were broke and couldn’t eat) and so she couldn’t even get transportation home from visiting them because she had no money. The restaurant they want to go to Friday is very expensive and I half expect SIL to want us to pay for her.
DH’s natural response is to just ignore them and he ignores most of the texts/calls from his family, or if he does respond he gets a little snarky. I want him to have a relationship with them but we need some serious boundaries here. I don’t really feel like it’s my place to confront them but I’m not sure what else to do or how to do it. DH insists he’s going to talk to them but he said that a few weeks ago and did not. I just feel like there is a lot of built up resentment and it’s really getting to me. I feel they expect SO much of us while giving nothing to our relationship with them. It is all take and I know I can’t continue to deal with just having a relationship only when they want something and then trying to make us feel bad about it.
I didn’t realize this was so long, sorry guys. I don’t expect people to read all of it but it’s nice to vent sometimes. I know some of this is on my DH but he has a habit of ignoring problems until he just can’t take it anymore. I don’t want it to get to that point where he says something so bad where it irreperably hurts their relationship.