(Closed) Really just done with my in-laws!

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
1083 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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bee123456789 :  I remember you. I agree with you, your DH needs to confront them. Things won’t change if he doesn’t set firm boundaries with them.

Also, I wouldn’t pay for your SIL’s meal tmr. She will take that as a sign to continue mooching off the two of you. Sorry the two of you are in this situation :o/

Post # 3
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1639 posts
Bumble bee

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bee123456789 :  I would not be busting my ass if they demand to come over after you told them no. If they come over, don’t answer the door. If they try to get in, call the police. That’s establishing a boundary. Making food for them after you told them no is you being a doormat and opening the door to more of their behavior. You’re lucky your SO is on your side with this but it’s his issue to deal with, not yours. I wouldn’t confront them about it because they’ll just think you’re keeping your SO from them. He needs to tell them and then you both need to follow through.

Post # 5
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I know how you feel. My own parents are similar in terms of the just showing up at my house, guilt trips and passive aggressiveness. It’s very frustrating. It’s great that you and DH are on the same page about not wanting to tolerate this behavior. I personally think that his way of dealing with them, ignoring them most of the time, is fine. Parents like this do not react well when you announce the boundaries, unfortunately. With my parents, I find it much easier to ignore any undesirable behavior from them rather then try and talk to them like rational people, because they’re not. 

Post # 6
Member
1083 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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bee123456789 :  Do they just assume that they can mooch because you guys are well off? I don’t know if you are or not, but well off to them could mean you guys don’t struggle when really you’re just responsible adults.

Post # 9
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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bee123456789 :  it’s really hard and I am still navigating how best to handle it myself without going no contact. With your in-laws I would say have DH reward good behavior and ignore bad. He can make plans with them, call them to check-in, invite them to family gatherings, etc. If they behave like normal human parents then it’s all good, but if they do things like demand you pay for things or show up at your house when you’ve said no then you have to deal with it accordingly. If they show up at your house when you didn’t say it was okay, do not let them in. Don’t give in to any unreasonable requests they make and so forth. I think it would also help if you and DH decide for yourselves how often you think is reasonable to speak with them and see them, and try to stick with that and not exceed that. 

Post # 10
Member
1083 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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bee123456789 :  Yeah..you guys need some firm boundaries. All of your issues with them (past threads) seem to stem from that. It’s unfortunate that your DH has lent them money in the past. But what kid wouldn’t want to help their parents? Glad he’s older and wiser now! I’m really glad the two of you are on the same page too! That makes your situation easier.

Post # 11
Member
728 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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bee123456789 :  

Tomorrow at dinner ask for separate checks, you guys pay yours, and watch them as they awkwardly get handed their own check lol.

I feel bad that you’re being stuck in the middle of this situation. I don’t have much advice to offer because I would not have been as nice and accommodating as you have been, but I hope that you and your DH can agree on the boundaries to set with his family that will ensure you guys don’t get sucked into their drama!

Post # 13
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee

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bee123456789 :  You won’t be the cause of irreperable damage, they will have caused it. Don’t worry about that. You’re being too nice to them and giving them too much credit. They are taking advantage of you and your DH so they need to learn the consequences.

Post # 14
Member
1162 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

This my DH’s daughter.  She’s in her 30’s and lives in another state.  Constantly asking for money like DH is her piggy bank. Sent her kid to visit us for 10 days with absolutely nothing, no clothes, no change of underwear, no toothbrush. What mother does that?   

Post # 15
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I’d first encourage your husband to speak up. He needs to tell his parents how hurt he is that they’re clearly using him, and how unacceptable it is for them to try to use you, too. Remind him, how many more days do you want to deal with this? How much more money does he want to spend on them and not on your own futures? Offer a reward like, “I know this conversation is going to be hard for you, but as soon as it’s over we’ll [take ourselves out/buy that thing we’ve wanted]”

Tell him if he’s not up to it, you’re going to stoop to their level and invent some kind of financial catastrophe – like an expensive medical bill or a totaled car. Anytime they request something you don’t want to do, you will bring it up as the excuse and it will be awkward for him to lie. And why shouldn’t you? They’re clearly skilled at lying and manipulating y’all two to go along with their demands.

I understand the need to be a gracious host at all times, but you’re going to have to let this go. In fact, I’d suggest you really let things go and make a nice mess the next time they want to invite themselves over for the game. Throw all your laundry on the couch, pull all the towels and paper from the bathrooms, fill up your sink with dishes and make sure there’s not even a SINGLE clean cup in the kitchen. Pride be damned, let em know how intrusive they’re being! They’ll be less likely to come back if they realize “Oh, Sally does need a whole day to keep the house.” Throwing your things around might even bring you a little catharsis!! 

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