(Closed) Really long post… Not sure about my fiance…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Your fiance sounds awful, I’m sorry to say. I would’ve broken up with him a long time ago. No one should ever try to change you and should just accept you as you are. There are just so many things wrong about this guy. Run while you still can!

Post # 18
Member
4597 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I read the whole thing and honestly your Fiance seems manipulative and slightly passive aggressive. I say this because I felt some of the same things when I was with my ex. When I got angry he’d guilt trip me. He told me that he adored me and if ever I had doubts about us I’d feel guilty. I even said the words “I would die if we ever broke up”. I might be wrong either way I think you should talk to someone. No matter how busy you are, you can find the time. Best of luck.

Post # 19
Member
1397 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I was in a relationship with someone I “loved” (read: obsessed over) for toooooo many years and almost married the guy. He, too, was loving and wonderful, except when I wasn’t happy. You need support when you’re down, and while no one is perfect, he should at least be trying a hell of a lot harder.

 

True love is healthy and mutually rewarding. This doesn’t sound like it. Try couple’s counseling, if you’re both up for it. If not, walk away. It may be the hardest thing you’ve done so far, but it will be completely worth it. I never thought I’d recover from losing my relationship, but a few months later I was happy to be free and single, and about a year later I met my now-fiance. Life has a way of giving you what you need if you’re paying attention and ready to accept it.

 

Good luck!

Post # 20
Member
1376 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

What do you like about this guy, aside from him having money, being successful and treating you well when he’s not treating you badly? He doesn’t really seem to have many awesome qualities and some of the red flags (makes you feel had about your apperance, doesn’t include you in big decisions) are serious issues.

Post # 21
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I only read the first half of that and nowhere in it did you say you love him.  You just talked about things other people think of him.  It makes me think you’re in the relationship for the wrong reasons.

Post # 22
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Several other people have given really good advice. I wanted to add that sometimes when people are depressed, they can see problems where there are not any or interpret small problems as big ones, which could be happening here. So, slight issues with your fiance may seem bigger than they would seem if you were feeling more emotionally stable.  If you seek help and can get the depression under control, you may find that some of these issues seem much more manageable.

However, the fact that you do not seem to have much say in your life does seem problematic. It seems likely that your fiance really does not understand the impact that kind of behavior can have on people (such as leading to feelings of hopelessness/helplessness and depression). He also clearly does not know how to react to depression. Getting upset at depressed people is extremely counter-productive. It also sounds like he does not generally know how to deal with disagreements (which doesn’t neccessarily make him mean or make him disrespectful, but merely unprepared). But all of these problems are issues that could benefit from couples therapy of some sort (as suggested by an above poster) so that he can learn how to understand you and how to cope when you are not in a happy mood! And you can learn how to express yourself to him in ways that will get your point across.

Hang in there! Make getting help for the depression your priority and everything else will start to look better too! Best of luck.

Post # 23
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
@Torrid:  I am 1/2 Italian and 1/2 German too! For the most part, I’d say it’s a great combination. 🙂

 

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@SadandLostBee:  I actually read your entire post. I can relate to you on one thing, and that’s the depression you feel from being separated from family/home. I have been with my SO for a little over 5 years. We met in our hometown, while we were in college (community college). After community college, we needed to decide on universities. I would have preferred to stay, but realized I needed to get away from home. He wanted to leave ASAP and actually left a semester before me. A few months apart was all it took for me to apply to the university he was attending, and once I got accepted I moved there and moved into his apartment with him. We lived there for 2 years while finishing undergrad. The entire time I was miserable. I could not wait to graduate and move home. He graduated a semester before me (since he started a semester before me) and he moved back to our hometown, leaving me to deal for a few months. That was probably the most depressed I had ever been. I didn’t have time to focus on that though, because I was taking an 18 credit hour semester with all upper level science courses. A month before I graduated, SO called me to tell me he had been accepted to grad school in a few locations. One, our hometown, but another was the school of our dreams which was 1.5 hours away from home (a great improvement from how far I currently was away from home, but still not HOME). He of course decided to go to the school away from home and before I could even think he was asking me to help him look for homes for us. There was never really any doubt in my mind that I wouldn’t go with him. I love him and I know that he is the one for me, so I accepted it and found us a place. Now, here we are STILL living away from home and it still is killing me. However, I know in my heart that we are doing what is best for us and I will follow him wherever the road takes him and he would do the same for me. Right now he’s not sure if we will move back home when he graduates, but I’m praying that we do. But if we don’t, I won’t throw a fit over it because being with him makes me happier than being away from home makes me sad. 

Post # 24
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Just wanted to let you know that I read your entire post.  *hugs* go see a counselor asap, and preferably both individual and couples counseling.

Post # 25
Member
438 posts
Helper bee

hello, i just want to say i’m so sorry that you are feeling so low, i understand this completely i have been there and it has an effect on your whole life and the people in it, but you know it is so great that you recongnise how you a re feeling and you are trying to do something about it! you should be so proud that you are trying to kick this depression in the butt!

I think maybe your Fiance doesnt understand what it is like to be depressed and to have depressive spells, mine used to be the same i think they think you can control how you feel but unless they have been thru it it’s very hard to understand how one min u can be fine and the next not so fine. Maybe the reason he gets mad when your down is because he doesnt know how to help you, maybe the reason why he wants to fix other things in your life like helping you get fitter is because he can do that, so he’s kinda going overboard with trying to improve other things in your life because he doesn’t know how to make the depressive feeling go away.

I think you need to try and talk to him maybe if you can see a proffesiona lto help you maybe your Fiance can sit in on one of the sessiions so he can begin to understand what depression is all about. He may feel then that he is helping you in some way :]

I think it’s very important that you tell him about your suicidal thoughts, you shouldn’t keep those thoughts to yourself i know when I felt like that and kept it to myself its was horrible and then one day it just came out to my friends and they were so great and supportive and it made me feel so much better and then i went to see someone about it and things got easier and i got happier with time. You can do that too never think you cant because you can! you sounds like a strong and intelligent woman with alot going for you you can get thru this!

As for the moving situation have you recently told your Fiance how you feel about not moving back home like what was planned and what did he say? did u make it clear that staying makes you very unhappy, I think if he realised how down you are he would think it best for you both to move where your family is and i think you would feel so much better knowing your family are closer.

I really hope you feel better if you ever need a chat PM me. xxxx

Post # 26
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Hey there

I have not read through all the responses. This may be redundant.

I think that the first issue, the facial hair is not a big issue. My partner thinks brazillian waxes are awesome. I luckily don’t mind them at all. I get it done and we’re both happy. Obviously it is sore when I go but afterwards it is less hassle than shaving. I’m very fair. I don’t have dark hair and I don’t have facial hair. I know that if I did, I would likely have it removed. Plus the longer you have it removed (waxing anyways), the more likely it is to grow in lighter, thinner etc. Personally I don’t see that as a deal breaker. I don’t like underarm hair on guys and I’ve told mine that he has to trim his. Not necessarily shave, just not have it long and flowing – hahaha. He is a good sport for me!

As for the hometowns, I lived overseas for 8 years away from my family. I am truly happier now that I am home. That being said, I know plenty of expats that are happy ..Are you in a different country or different county? Different state? If you are just in a different county close by in the same state, then it shouldn’t be a huge deal. If it is a different state, then that is something more significant. You need to ask yourself….if he needed it, could you stand and be happy living away from your family? You say the scary S word. I think you definately need to see a therapist. I think that this could help you find out what makes you more happy – family alone or man alone? This might be the choice in this circumstance. To think that he is the only man that would ever make you happy is silly. Flaws and all there will be other men out there that think that you are wonderful. Whether that takes 2 months or 2 years. There will be others. SO if you think that you can only be happy with your family, you might want to consider needing to go home. Of course the cushy lifestyle will be altered, but true love makes up heaps for what material goods do not.

Please go get therapy and find out what makes you happy. If it is him and you are happy with the sacrifices he asks for true love. Do it. People do every day and are happy. It wasn’t for me and it took me 8 years to realize it. I wish you the very best.

ps: not everyone likes their in-laws. I would find it hard to hate mine. Is that something you can stand for life?

 

 

Post # 27
Member
5427 posts
Bee Keeper

I am 1/4 german 1/4 italian and half french…What a combination! And I do have facial hair, some of the stupid dark strays on my chinny chin chin end up being over a inch long before I see them! So I shave my chin now. It grosses me out!

About your fiance…. So it’s his way or the highway… he certainly doesn’t treat you like a partner… it’ll be a miserable life. Stand up for yourself now, and explain to him why his behavior is not acceptable.

Post # 28
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Reading your post made me sad. I don’t think he is treating you with respect or allowing you to feel happy about yourself. I think you’d be better off without him honestly. Do you think that because you are a little depressed you are feeling dependent and unable to cope without him?

Post # 29
Member
4474 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m going to echo what PP’s said about this not really sounding like a partnership.  It sounds like he’s an Alpha type A, and you’re more docile to the point where he’s gotten used to calling all the shots.  Get thee to a counselor, woman, to help with your depression, and see if you can get to couple’s counseling, too.  You guys need to learn to communicate and address both your needs.

Post # 30
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

View original reply
@AstonMartin: I sort of agree with you that it may not be an issue to deal with the body hair, if the OP wants to. But she is saying that she is happy with her facial and he is still pushing her to get it treated, which is what alerted me to there being a problem. If she is happy to leave it, then he should just love and accept her as she is.

I sometimes get waxes and sometimes leave it for a bit, but my hubs never comments negatively or pushes me to go if I’ve left it a while between waxes, and I’d be shocked and very upset if he did! It’s my body hair = my decision how I deal with it and feel about it.

Edit: the same for weight issues.

Post # 31
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Move back home, start counseling for your depression, and start over with a new guy when you’re ready.

I suspect he makes significantly more money than you do and you probably really like the lifestyle you have while staying with him.  I can see the attraction but your wants and needs will always be subservient to his and his family.  His behavior is not going to change and he will never take your advice or preferences into consideration when making big decisions.  Also, you should be able to bring up problems and discuss them like adults in a relationship do.

P.S. If his dad and stepmom’s relationship is that disfunctional but he still wants to live practically next door to them then that is probably his expectation and model for your relationship.

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