Really messed up with her heart – I need advice

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
4772 posts
Honey bee

You are both allowed to have the sex lives (or lack thereof) you desire with willing and compatible partners.  The two of you are not willing and compatible partners for each other.  Stop forcing it.  You are too immature with a pretty f’ed up idea of what healthy sexual compatibility looks like and she sounds like a manipulative judgmental b****.  Move on, don’t contact her, and find someone else more compatible.

Post # 17
2765 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Sometimes we love someone very much, but they’re not the right person for us. This is very clearly your case. A fulfilling sexual life is an integral part of human relationships/partnerships/marriages. What in HER mind is a fulfilling sexual relationship is very different from what’s in YOUR mind. 

That’s ok. It happens. It’s called sexual incompatibility. Wanting what you want is neither gross nor sick, it just is. Doing that with someone who likes doing/receiving it is neither gross nor sick. You’re young, she was your first everything; therefore, you may have a very skewed sense of what ‘normal’ looks like. Porn is NOT good sex. Porn is most definitely NOT great sex. Porn is NOT a sex manual or an accurate description of normal sex.  My suggestion? Read real books about sex.  Ideally you’d be able to talk about it with trusted male friends, but that doesn’t work out very well IRL in my experience, especially if everyone you talk to is as inexperienced as you are.

Not everyone likes the same things and that’s ok. You desire to talk dirty to someone as part of what arouses you and this woman does not like that in the least. Your dirty talk makes her feel degraded, humiliated and offends her moral code. 

Neither one of you is ‘wrong’, you’re just not right for each other. 

Your real mistakes were in not ‘reading the room,’ or ‘knowing your audience.’ You never, ever talk dirty to someone before you’ve had your first sexual encounter. You DONT KNOW what they like. She might hate it (like this woman), she might feel conflicted about it, she might love it, it might end your relationship. Doing is way better than talking about it until your relationship is on very solid footing sexually speaking. That, my dear, WAS a very rookie move. She kept putting up silences, discouraging reactions and you KEPT AT IT. That was…disturbing… to read.

I’m not offended by dirty talk, graphic sex or whatever but if a man tells me anything, sexually speaking, and I raise the ‘uninterested’ vibes, flat out say it, gently try to steer him away from it, recoil or whatever and he does it again, and again? Boy bye. 

I know you want to be with this woman, but trust me when we tell you that you won’t be happy in the long term with her. You two want very, very different things from your partners and both of you deserve to have that.

Also, when you meet again and she’s with someone and you’re with someone else, well, it won’t be her feeling morally superior to you (or your SO) because she knows you guys have oral sex. That threat was just sick. And empty. 

Post # 18
979 posts
Busy bee

There is nothing disrespectful or inherently demeaning about oral sex between two consenting adults. I believe my Fiance respects me completely, and oral sex (giving and receiving) is a regular part of our sex life. So stop feeling bad about wanting oral sex in your love life. It’s normal. 

Echoing what other bees have said: you’re young, she’s young, and it sounds like you’re sexually incompatible. It happens. It’s no one’s fault. Count yourself lucky that you found out now, because a happy, healthy sex life is an important part of a happy, healthy marriage for the vast majority of people. 

Write the girl a letter wishing her well and move on. Experience life and find a partner you are compatible with. Good luck!

Post # 19
9997 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Never be with someone who shames you for your sexual desires. Your partner doesn’t have to give into every sexual desire you have as what you do with your partner in reality needs to be negotiated based on what you are both comfortable with. But they should respect you enough to not make you feel badly for expressing your sexual desires/fantasies. And oral sex is not demeaning or degrading by default. As long as both parties are consenting adult it’s a perfectly normal, heathly sexual act.

You both sounds rather immature and incompatible. But you are young, you’ll grow and mature and find the right relationship in time. Most people don’t marry the first person they date. So move forward and find someone with whom you are more compatible. 

Post # 20
5021 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

I do not feel either of you are mature enough to proceed with this relationship.  It was a young love that has served its purpose and time, let go and appreciate it for what it was.

I do highly recommend you read the book Authentic Human Sexuality: An Integrated Christian ApproachI read this book recently for a psychology course in college. It is not a difficult read but very eye opening and it does not condemn sexuality/sex in any way.  It may help you understand your natural desires and how it is linked to your religious background


Post # 21
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Everyone else has covered what I would have said.

Nothing wrong with blow jobs, lots of women love to give them and don’t at all feel disrespected by it. By the same token, some women just aren’t into it and that’s okay too. No one is wrong and no one is right, it’s just about what ticks your own boxes.

There is also nothing wrong with premarital sex if that’s what you choose. It isn’t dirty or wrong and it doesn’t make you a bad person. Again, there also isn’t anything wrong with waiting for marriage to have sex if that’s what you choose to do. What IS wrong is conforming to a lifestyle out of fear and intimidation from other people. You can also be religious and believe in whatever flavor God you choose while engaging in things like premarital sex and living together before marriage, IF that’s what you want. 

You’re obviously curious and interested in sex if you’re watching porn and engaging in explicit dirty talk over the phone. All I have to say is make sure you’re abstaining because YOU want to in your heart, not because your friends/family/congregation/ex girlfriend say you have to or else you’re bad/evil/shameful/dirty. 

If you do choose to abstain because you want to, there isn’t anything wrong with grabbing yourself some adult toys and exploring your sexuality with yourself alone. Hell, go get you one of them flesh lights that looks like a mouth and some warming lube and live out your fantasy if it’s what you want. Just look into your own heart and decide what is right for you whether that’s fully abstaining from everything, getting it on with some hot young thing you met at the bar or whatever else may fall between.

Post # 22
2447 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Your religious beliefs differ. You are using porn when you know that this would cause serious religious issues within your relationship. She’s upset because you aren’t the person you pretended to be.

Post # 23
1376 posts
Bumble bee

There’s nothing wrong with oral sex in a consensual happy relationship. The key word here though  is consensual. When you were talking to her, you (hopefully inadvertantly) pressured her into promising a sexual act that she did not want. That is not good and not consensual.

You have to accept that your future wife might not be into oral sex. And you shouldn’t guilt her by telling her that you’ll die unhappy. You need to respect her consent and boundaries.

Also, I’m pretty sure that even if your ex didn’t explicitly tell you to stop with the phone sex that she did not consent to this. Was she silent the whole time? Was she interacting with you? Or were you just telling her about your fantasies without waiting to make sure that she was ok hearing about this. In any sex act it is important that consent is involved. She clearly was not into this but you kept pushing the sexual conversation. This additional pushing (not the fact that you had phone sex or that you’re into oral sex) is the problem. You didn’t respect her boundaries and didn’t wait to get consent from her.

Before your next relationship, please think about these things and learn a little bit about affirmative consent. Otherwise whoever you end up with is going to be resentful of you if you keep pushing your own sexual desires without respecting their wishes and boundaries.

Also, just for reference, you’re going to suck at sex the first few months. Don’t expect to be able to be amazing from the start. It’s going to be awkward and weird and confusing and clumsy at first. Regardless of how much porn you’ve watched.

Post # 24
826 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

View original reply
jannigirl :  I don’t think he pretended – I think they’re just two young people who are trying to navigate first love, sex and their religious beliefs. The fact that they are going in different directions doesn’t make him a liar. He sounds very respectful of her to me and both acted in immature ways that ultimately led to the break up.

OP I don’t think I can add much more as I think PPs have already given you some great advice, especially when encouraging you to reflect on what you really want and what is right for you. 


Post # 25
566 posts
Busy bee

I think it is a maturity thing, you want what you want which is normal for a guy your age but you didn’t consider your girlfriend’s feelings. I can imagine for someone with religious beliefs she may have been upset because she felt like what you were talking about was morally wrong for an unmarried couple. But beyond that most women want to feel cherished, cared for and valued by the man they are intimate with (especially imagining the first time you are intimate with your husband). I don’t think you were painting a very tender loving picture for her talking about your porn fantasies.  It’s not to say she would never want to do those things ever, but for someone who’s never even been intimate before it was likely very vulgar and maybe even scary for her to hear what you want/expect in the future. If you really love her you need to consider her feelings and be patient. Women don’t go from virgins to porn-stars overnight. Maybe she will never want those things, maybe she will but I think you could have talked to her about it in a more gentle loving way to gauge where she was at.

Post # 26
566 posts
Busy bee

Also I just wanted to add it takes time to build a sexual relationship and you need to fully feel comfortable and trust each other to have a great sex-life. You are a virgin too, you’re not going to fulfil all your sexual fantasies the first time you are intimate. Neither of you will know what you’re doing and it will take time to build a sexual relationship. You can’t go from 0 to 100 overnight, and there may be things that you think you would love that you don’t or things she didn’t think she would like but does. But you need to take things at a pace you are both comfortable with. You’ll likely discover that lots of things you have seen on porn are not as great as they seem or possible in real life (remember they are acting/performing). I like the term “make-love” because that’s what it really is when you’re in a loving committed relationship.

Post # 28
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

If she doesn’t want to be with you then you just need to accept that and move on. She may be your first love but she’s keeping the door closed and you can’t just change someone’s mind just because that’s what you want. Good luck in life! 

Post # 30
9997 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

View original reply
ky89 :  You accept that she broke up with you. 

This relationship sounds like a mess anyway. And like I said before, you should never be with someone who shames you for your sexual desires. That should be a dealbreaker. 

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