Really messed up with her heart – I need advice

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
556 posts
Busy bee

If you really love her and are serious that you will not want to push her to do things she doesn’t want. I would tell her that you realise you were being selfish and not considering her feelings and that you never want to push her into anything that she’s not comfortable with. But don’t say or  promise anything you do not mean from the bottom of your heart. If you really love her then you have to tell her your deepest feelings and how much you value and cherish her (if you really do). She needs to feel more important to you than your sexual desires.

Post # 33
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2007

Please move on leave this girl alone and you need to see a counselor and go from there. Nothing wrong with sex and fantasies but both have to be ok with it and on the same page regarding it!

Post # 34
Member
11469 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

ky89 :  I’m sorry you’re hurting, but when someone blocks you and says they don’t want to be with you, you need to respect that. 

You need to stop thinking of ways to trick her into taking you back or control her memories, and accept that she has a point- you’re not right for each other and this relationship was immature at best. 

Take this as a challenge to show that you can respect a ‘no,’ which you didn’t do with the sex talk and is part of what landed you here. 

Post # 35
Member
10102 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

BalletParker :  Agree with you.

Respect her wishes by not contacting her again. She won’t care that you’re sorry, it won’t make a difference. All she’ll see is that again you placed your wants/needs over what she wants again.

What she wants is to not speak to you until further notice. Do as she’s asking and leave her alone.

Post # 36
Member
11469 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

slomotion :  exactly:  “all she’ll see is that again you placed your own needs/wants over what she wants again.” 

Post # 37
Member
4730 posts
Honey bee

Ugh…really? You want to know if lying to trick her back into a relationship is ok? And you want to ignore her wishes so you can have the warm fuzzy feeling that she’ll remember you fondly?  She doesn’t sound like a prize, but man are you a self-absorbed dink.

Sorry, but break ups don’t have to be mutual agreed upon decisions. You still wanting to be with her doesn’t matter when the other person in this equation doesn’t want to be with you.  And you being able to think that she is looking back on you and your relationship fondly is not her problem or something she owes you.  The fact is she probably won’t think that no matter what you do, but forcing someone to interact with you who clearly wants to be done with you is a sure fire guarantee to legitimize her wanting to be done with you.  Acting like a creepy stalker for your own self-serving interests is not the grand romantic gesture or hallmark of a good respectful guy you seem to think it is.

Have some self-respect and be the good guy  by learning to respect her in this break up, which means respecting her wish to not have contact with you.  Break ups suck, I get that.  It hurts and sometimes feels unfair. But you don’t always  get the closure you want and you just need to make peace with yourself by doing some soul-searching and reflection and learn from this break up to be a better partner in your next relationship.

Post # 38
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

Oral sex isn’t bad. At all. However, if she views it as disgusting and a chore you’ll never truly enjoy it. You do not need to sacrifice things you like just like she shouldn’t have to do things she doesn’t like. That just means you need to go find someone who wants the same things as you. It truly sounds like the two of you have different views and that is perfectly okay. Neither of you are bad people, you’re just different people. Honest opinion? It sucks to break up and have your heart crushed, but in the long run when you’re over the heart break you’ll be able to see that you had needs and desires she wasn’t comfortable fulfilling. There are plenty of women out there who love giving oral. You need to find someone who is on the same page sexually as you. If you don’t then you’ll end up asking for certain things and she’ll feel obligated to give them to you. She’ll then resent you and it’ll start a whole world of problems. Also, no one should be using “tests”. That is immature. 

Post # 39
Member
2793 posts
Sugar bee

You two are not spiritually on the same page. Time to walk away.

Post # 40
Member
2430 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

mahadewi :  most women don’t go from virgins to porn stars at all. Porn very much is not a reflection of my caring & mutual sexual relationship with my husband (or any of my previous sexual partners/experiences). I definitely would not want my sex life to resemble porn in any manner. 

Post # 41
Member
3855 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Wanting sex isn’t inherently bad, and NOT wanting sex isn’t inherently bad. The two just don’t go together. However, where you ARE at fault is that your girlfriend clearly wasn’t interested in any discussion of sex at all, and yet you kept pushing and pushing the topic! Even after she blocked you! Just STOP! She doesn’t want to talk to you any more. You need to take this as a learning experience and let it go. A last minute apology isn’t going to fix this. We don’t always get closure in life like in the movies and we just have to accept that. Leave her alone. 

Post # 42
Member
927 posts
Busy bee

ky89 :  sorry I might sound a bit harsh but I think you need it. I agree with other PPs that you guys don’t sound compatible especially the sexual part.

My thoughts would be from the religious and my personal perspectives. Might be different from what others said but ultimately we mean well.

I’m religious and my fiancé is not but since we decided we’d wait till marriage, we don’t even talk about sex. We do hugs, cuddle and kiss but he said he respects my desire to wait so we don’t go there. No phone sex, pictorial or verbal description of sexual acts to each other, or vulgar words etc… We have a lifetime to explore after wedding. So I’m not impressed what you gave volun-told request your gf must do to keep this relationship. I guess it’d have made her feel dirty everytime she did what you wanted.

First, go get help about your issue with pornography!! Like right now. She’s right to leave and not turn back. Your use of porn objectifies women. Aka your brain thinks she’s an object, a sexual object. Though you might claim it’s not how you think. You said you love her, won’t touch her bla bla bla.. but what she saw is that you request for sexual acts even before marriage. And while dating you were already objectifying her to help you achieve what you need via phone. After engagement you were expecting her to do more.. err… Why???! You said you’re waiting, then why push the boundaries??! Unless you fix your addiction to porn, I doubt she’d want to be near you, given the fact you claim you both are religious. You said you’d wait for sex due to religious reason. But the truth is.. you’re never waiting. And you don’t have the desire to wait. All that you did to her and with her are not actions that you’re waiting at all. You’re just doing other sexual acts that don’t involve penetration. 

The last time a man pulled out the Christian courtship book to impress me but then acted very un-Christian, he ended up in the exes cluster. What did he do? He told me he would like to follow this Christian courtship book but two days later… trying to get me to kiss him, telling lies to me and people around us, criticising my country, my choice of friends, bitching about his exes, all during the initial dating phase, so I dumped him. Why should I date a man who pretends he’s Christian but acts like any other jerks??!? I’d rather date a non-Christian man who acts respectfully, and perhaps adopts Christian values more than anyone else. I deserve better than that. He could and did find someone who is willing be treated the way he treated me. So we’re all happy.

If you want her back (or not), sort out your issue with sex and porn. My male friends with these issues usually go through counseling to ensure this doesn’t cause more troubles during marriage. When you marry a woman, you marry a person not a sexual object. She’s not a toy you get during Christmas to play with.

Grow up, young man. If you want her back in your life, sort your life out first. Porn is not real. Women are not sexual objects.

Post # 45
Member
3243 posts
Sugar bee

ky89 :  And she doesn’t wish to give it. 

I’m not understanding how you are unable to grasp you guys are not compatible. 

SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU. SHE IS NOT ON THE SAME PAGE AS YOU.

Move on, and find someone who shares your beliefs and views on these fundamentally important aspects to a relationship. One or the other of you would end up resenting the other because you’re trying to bury who and what you are.

 

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