(Closed) Really messed up with her heart – I need advice

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
634 posts
Busy bee

Are you Christian? In much of Christianity, porn is the exact same as extramarital sex. You’ve already sinned in your heart. 

So maybe this is a good time to re-evaluate your stance on either premarital sex or porn. I say this as a former Catholic with no issues with porn – it’s awfully hypocritical of you to continue living the way you are. You can’t expect a woman of traditional Christian values to be comfortable with what you are trying to force on her. 

Shoving your fingers in two different pies is going to make everyone – including you – miserable. Pick a pie and eat it. You don’t get the conservative Christianity AND the pornographic fantasies. Tough luck, but you have to choose.

Post # 48
3149 posts
Sugar bee

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ky89 :  Perhaps it is a deal breaker – you brought it up multiple times to make a point instead of respecting her wishes. 

Post # 49
876 posts
Busy bee

….the issue is that I sadly made it clear that we were on different pages in terms of what we agree to do after marriage.”

It’s sad that it played out so roughly, however be comforted with the fact that it’s good this came out now, and not after you may have gotten married. Imagine if you got married without discussing this, and how horrified she’d feel when you’d ask her for oral…she would feel pressured to sin (according to her convictions) and that she married a “monster”, and you would be sexually dissatisfied becuase she likely wouldn’t want to give in. Judging by her maturity level, this probably would have spiralled into a nasty, upsetting divorce (and if your religion is anything like mine, divorce is incredibly severe). Again, it’s sad that it happened in such an upsetting way, but it’s a blessing this came out now.

Coming from a religion that forbids sex before marriage, myself, I absolutely believe engaged couples should sit down and plainly discuss their sexual expectations for when they get married, but not in a way that borders sexually sinning (i.e. cybering/phone sex) since that obviously doesn’t leave room (or the mood) for actual conversation. I don’t think telling her you like oral is where you messed up…I believe how you told her–over phone sex while you were aroused–is where you messed up. 
 She has a conviction that oral is sinful, and that’s okay…if you had discussed this matter-of-factly with her, you may have had the opprotunity to understand why she believes that and either convince her otherwise, or agree to disagree, and then take the next appropriate steps to address it (either accepting that you aren’t compatible, or being willing to sacrifice your own desires for her comfort). 

It’s up to her whether she’s willing to contact you again and have a mature discussion to see if you can salvage what you had, but sadly you may never get that chance considering she sounds quite immature herself. You made an unfortuante mistake, but now you know better from it for next time. I’m sorry, I know it hurts right now but you’ll move on 🙂


ETA: I just noticed you clarified that oral isn’t a big deal to you for sexual satisfaction. Regardless, my general point still stands…if you both had discussed expectations, you would have had the opprotunity to communicate that to her. You may have still had that chance early on when she fist got upset about it, but sadly I think that ship has sailed…

Post # 50
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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ky89 :  I highly encourage you to think this through before making your next move.

Sex is a personal, sensitive and important topic.  Based on what you wrote you two have different expectations for your guys sexual needs.  She has a more conservative view towards it – and based on what you said – sounds like it’s frustrating for you because you don’t and can’t really express yourself.

So even if you give up the oral, the phone sex, etc…. even if that wins her back.  The question is can you really live with the restrictions?  If you two get married and she has a low sex drive and only once it once every few months, with the most conservative way… would you actually be okay with that?  

When people, who love their spouse dearly, feel like their relationship will end they feel desperate to give up a part of themselves to make the relationship work.   In some cases it’s good – if it makes them a better person.  But in other cases it’s just a beginning of a downward spiral.

So before you apologize in hopes that she’ll take you back…  Really ask yourself if you’ll really be okay with following her lead regarding to sex?  Because clearly it’s a big enough deal for you to attack her about it.

Post # 51
4509 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

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ky89 :  I feel you are ignoring the advice given by many and grasping at straws to try and win your ex back.  The truth is you are young and without life experience or sexual experience for that matter. I think it would be premature to sacrifice  something (so to appease another) you don’t even know you can live without for the remainder of your life. 

What you need to do is accept that things don’t always go according to your plan. If you are Christian, I would imagine you believe that things go according to God’s ultimate plan.  So practice acceptance for what has passed and take this as a learning experiencing and gift so you can further understand yourself, your needs and desires and what you want for the future.

We were designed to be sexual beings and there is no shame in that.

Post # 52
2021 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

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catapple :  You determine your core values and try to live by them. You listen to your conscience. I donno, it’s different for everyone, to achieve spiritual awakening.

Post # 53
2548 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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ky89 :  Porn is where you watch prostitutes have sex. Not sure how that jives with your declared sexual ethic. But it’s probably not what your girlfriend signed on for. Does she know that you are regularly consuming porn and that’s where your sexual expectations derive?

It sounds like you’ve not had oral sex. I’m wondering how you can determine already that you’ll want that as part of a potential future (hypothetical) married dynamic… so much so that you are setting it up as some sort of “dealbreaker”. Sounds like sex acts are far more important than the person you would be doing these acts with. 

Post # 54
637 posts
Busy bee

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amandajane4949 :  So you cant be good just to be good because there’s no definitive right or wrong or good or evil. Everyone just decides for themselves what they think is right/wrong, which isn’t going to be the same thing and could be total opposites. 

Post # 55
2543 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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ky89 :  again with the rookie moves. First you basically tell her that if you DONT get oral you will be sexually dissatisfied for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. Now you could go without and be happy? First you said you’d respect (and share) her very conservative ideals and then you pulled out the porn talk.

Listen Ky, it’s not looking good for you here. You are saying stuff and then backtracking so fast it would make anyone’s head spin. You are coming across as wishy washy, immature and indecisive. It’s starting to seem like she’s right and these ARE character flaws, not just momentary lapses.

Someone mentioned you have a porn addiction, ummm, it would be super hard to say that with the info you gave us. What you did show with your words though is that the porn you’be watched HAS shaped your sexual desires and fantasies. The porn you’ve watched has given you (false) expectations of how sexual relationships develop, happen, what they involve, what is un/acceptable. THOSE views and expectations clashed spectacularly with your ex fiancée’s views and expectations. The more I think about it though, the more surprised I am that you even went there. 

You say you were best friends, you say you’ve known each other for a long time and yet you thought she’d take that well? You went for the ‘I want to fuck your face and come all over your you and give you a lovely pearl necklace darling’ instead of ‘I want to love and cherish you the way that God meant for a husband to love and cherish his wife. I want our union to bring us closer to God.’ 

Which brings us to what 3 pages of women have been telling you: you two are too different to augur success in a long term relationship. 

So what do you do? You send her a handwritten (or typed if your handwriting is atrocious), spell-checked letter. Like snail mail letter. No email, no wall of text. You tell her you’ve reflected the last few days about how far you’ve deviated from your (purported) Christian values and goals for life. You tell her you now understand that you’ve been putting YOUR needs above HER needs for a while now. You tell her you’ve realized that you haven’t been loving her as Jesus Christ loved his Church. Admit the wrongdoing. Tell her that you will always be grateful to her for being your first friend, kiss, etc. Tell her about a memory (or two, but no more) that you’ll always cherish. Tell her that aside from this letter to thank her for the relationship you will cease contact as per her wishes. Wish her well. Tell her that you love her so much that you want her to be happy, even if it’s not with you. And mean it.

That’ll be your closure. 

Post # 56
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2026

Well, I was in your girlfriend’s position and understand her perspective. Although it was not for religious purposes, I just never seriously started dating till my early 20s. Though I was not against oral or anything sexual, I grew up not knowing a lot about it. My then-boyfriend (now husband) would suggest things (not really a full-blown phone sex conversation) and although he was respectful of my boundaries, it seemed like every time I visited him, he would try to put his hands on me. I started getting annoyed thinking that that was all he was after. If I were her, I would also be upset hearing you talk about all that stuff when I am not yet ready to go to the next step. You took it too far with all the graphic conversations when you clearly knew she was uncomfortable with it. It’s going to be hard for her to change her opinion of you at this point. 

Post # 57
3589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

No, don’t communicate that to her! Aren’t you listening? Bringing it up AGAIN in any way is CONTINUING TO PUSH A CONVERSATION SHE DOES NOT WANT. Plus you already told her you would die without it so doing a 180 is hardly going to clarify things. One of the statements would have to be a lie and that’s not great. Besides, at this point it’s about more than just whether oral is bad, it’s about how your whole attitude and values do not mesh with hers. You need to leave this one. 

Post # 60
1338 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Ok, let me tell you what I think from someone who also wanted to wait until marriage because of religious beliefs.

I grew up thinking sex was just nasty and gross if it’s outside of marriage. Being taught that really shapes your ideas of sex. Many people I know thing oral is gross because of their warped views on sex. Its not because of what the Bible teaches-to me, it’s more about how churches and pastors teach on this subject. 

Anyway, as someone who believes God wants us to wait until marriage to have sex-porn is not right. If you believe that pre marital sex is wrong I don’t understand why you justify porn. To me, it would be like cheating. That’s probably extreme to most people on here but that’s my boundary. I would feel sick if I found out my DH was watching porn. I think if you think having sex outside of marriage is wrong then watching porn before marriage is extremely hypocritical. It’s pretty obvious you and her don’t have the same views on pre marital sex. You think porn is okay and so is phone sex. While that’s fine for you to be okay with going that far, if she doesn’t then there’s a problem there unless one of you is willing to compromise. And if she truly believes that any sort of sexual contact outside of marriage is wrong, if you love her you wouldn’t want to push her. She probably feels guilty. Do you want her to feel guilty and like she’s sinned? So if for some reason you get back together you both need to be on the same page as far as how far you will go sexually before AND after marriage. If you desire a sex life that includes blow jobs and other things then you need to find someone who also wants that. 

While I think you’re being hypocritical, she also is doing wrong by “testing” you. It’s honestly ridiculous and you don’t do that to people you love. It’s extremely immature. Honestly, you both sound immature. I married my first love and we started darting when I was 15 and he was 17. It got REALLY hard to wait until marriage and we fooled around and talked about sex frequently. 

Regardless, no you don’t need to lie to win her back. You can send her a note like MrsHarryDresden said. I thought it was perfect. But obviously she doesn’t want to be with you right now and she doesn’t want to talk. So just leave her alone.

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