(Closed) Really need advice! Please read! (sorry its long)

posted 8 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m really sorry you’re going through these feelings. Have you tried having a heart to heart with him about how you really feel? Do you think he’d be open to sincerely considering what you are asking, and change for the better? She is adorable!

Post # 4
Member
2201 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

This is a tough one – I’m so sad for you that he doesn’t seem to be going out of his way to be more of a parent figure to A. Have you shared with him your concerns about future children and how that may affect how A feels as part of the family? Can you ask him to come up with activities for him and A to do together? Maybe if he takes her to the zoo or something (and you stay home), he’ll start to feel more of a connection and begin to bond? And then there’s always family counselling. Since there’s three people involved in this upcoming marriage, I think it’s important to make sure the foundation is really stable because teen years are just around the corner, and I hear those can be awful! Smile

Post # 5
Member
6 posts
Newbee

I had a daughter from a previous relationship as well and I  completely understand how you feel, my guy had a step parent as well and not a great bio dad situation. He embraced my daughter wholeheartedly and that was one of the things that I admired so much about him. I don’t think that your post is too long or your concern unwarranted, it is a very complicated situation and delicate. Maybe he feels uncomfortable given her father is the picture and sounds like a great involved dad-maybe that threatens him, or he doesn’t want to threaten that dad or step on his toes. I think the other ladies are right when they say have a very honest heart to heart, maybe when your daughter(who is totally adorable) isn’t around for a day or so-so he can have a little time to process it all. I think all your points are totally valid-so really trust yourself and your mothers intuition.

Post # 6
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think some family counseling would be a great idea! I could see myself having issues as your FI–i’m not a warm, nurturing person, and it would take me a long time and a lot of effort to see someone else’s child as my own to the point you want your Fiance to. How long have you been together? Maybe he feels awkward because she is 6 years old…unless he’s been around since she was like, 1 or 2.

This is probably not what you want to hear, but like I said, I can totally relate to yoru Fiance (my mom says you tend to get Mom Glasses on about your own kids–they’re perfect/never do anything wrong/always an angel, etc)–I can’t say that I’d be thrilled with my niece or nephew climbing around my car or always trying to do what I want to do (play video games, work on a craft, whatever) when I’m trying to “wind down” so while I don’t think his whining and moaning is necessary, I can totally see why he doesn’t want your daughter climbing around his truck (she may not break it on purpose but she could easily trip and damage a $500 speaker–I used to have those, haha. She’s 6 and last I checked, 6 year olds break a lot of stuff!) and if he’s winding down by playing video games, it’s “his” time. Unless you plan on having “family time” which may be a good idea at this point, to help bring everybody together. Everybody needs their own time, though, even with kids. Maybe it’s time to move the video games into a different room. Ours is downstairs. But we can’t let our nephew see it or he wants in on the action, too..and then it is ALL he wants to do.

And she is way freakin’ cute by the way =]

You can’t force him to love your daughter the way you want him to or force the “big happy family” thing on him too quickly–I definitely wouldn’t get married until you feel you’ve reached that point. It will take time. Because you definitely want to make sure your daughter and the child you eventually have with your Fiance are treated the same way. One should NOT be favored b/c one is biologically his–that is very very wrong and could cause MORE tensions. You need to talk with him about getting involved. What would make him feel connected to her? Doing stuff together? That may be a first step. But really, they have to slowly win over each others hearts I guess, especially since your daughter already feels a little outcasted by him. I understand yoru reservations–I hope you can get this issue solved!

Post # 8
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

How much time have they spent together? Maybe if you could get them to spend some one-on-one time together they might begin to bond. Since they don’t really know each other, whenever you are around they are both probably way more focused on you. Maybe just start off slowly, like they spend a little bit of time at the park alone or something?

 

(She is absolutely adorable.)

Post # 9
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I think the advice the bees above gave you is spot on – and I can’t say I know how you feel, b/c I don’t have any children. I do think that you have a right to be upset/sad that he isn’t taking her in as his own daughter. I have a friend who is dating someone she will likely marry, and he has a 10 year old son. She treats him like she would treat her own son if she had one.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I think the family counseling and one on one time might help him realize that by marrying you, he’s becoming a parent to your very adorable and sweet daughter. Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh hell. In that case, nevermind…no reason to NOT spend that time in the evening as “family time” if he’s alone all day.that’s what families do.

what if you start planning family things in the evening? No video games after 3pm or something? i really have issues with grown men getting sucked into the games too much when it starts interfering with them being responsible adults I’m all for fun time, but maybe your Fiance needs to be reminded he’s part of the household and he’s GOING to be a stepdad and needs to act like one. Don’t get me wrong, my husband plays, too….but he doesn’t play in the evenings when i’m home unless I’m doing homework. Because he played all day…=]

PS i do think some of htis may be some borderline depression. those videogames may be sucking him in! Can you find stuff for himt o do around the house? Dh has been home since November–he was feeling blue Sunday, so we bought paint for the house. Now he’s doing the kitchen. He’s in a much better mood. FInd cheap ways for him to “contribute”. I’tll lift his mood. Withdrawing is never effective tho.

 

Post # 12
Member
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry, but I have to kindly disagree from some of the bees here. He knew that you had a child and guess what? You’re a package deal. If he can’t handle the fact that he signed up for being a parent (because guess what, he will be a parent! A step-parent is still a parent!) then I would book it to counseling. You know your little girl deserves better treatment than that!

Post # 13
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Everyone has given you great advice. My one question would be how much authority does he have with your daughter? Is he given “daddy” privileges like “yes you can go outside and play”. If she does something bad is he allowed to discipline her? Or does he have to come back to you with everything regarding her? I would say if he is not allowed to do any of that it might be hard for him to feel like her “father figure” so to speak. Because being a father figure isn’t just about spending time with her at the park or playing Xbox together. It’s also about being able to discipline her.

Have you asked your daughter how she feels about him? Maybe she has some reservations about him that he senses and therefore has caused the “off standish” behavior in the last four months?

And I have to say I def agree with the other girls that no commitment to him should be made until him and your daughter click. She’s numero uno in your life and the guy should understand, respect that and love her (or at least have the capability to) just as much.

She is SUPER adorable!!!

GL!

Post # 14
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Honestly, I think you and your daughter deserve to have someone who is madly in love with you both, who is crazy about your adorable kid and wants to parent her.  That might be your Fiance in the future, but it doesn’t seem to be him now.  How long have you been together and how long since you brought A into the mix?  Sometimes it takes a while, especially with someone who doesn’t know kids, but if it were me I would want to get to that point before the wedding, not after.  It sounds like you’re great at putting your daughter first; have you had a real talk with her about her feelings and what the future will be like?  That might be a good way to figure out which way to go, kids can be pretty perceptive.  Good luck!!

Post # 15
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sorry that you are going through this. I think if you talk to him and you don’t see any changes you should go to counseling before you get married. I’ll tell you a story about a friend of mine and HOPE that your Fiance does NOT do what this guy did/does.

I have a friend who got married when she had a 3 year old and 7 year old. Her husband wasn’t mean to the kids he just wasn’t as involved as he was before they got married. He let her do all the parenting unless the kids did something wrong then he would yell at them. So here these poor kids are with a wonderful mom, no fathers, and a stepfather that wouldn’t pay attention to them unless it was to yell for touching his stuff etc. My friend has been married for over 10 years now and last year she almost left her husband because he just yelled at her kids all the time. Even though he had been around since they were little he just never go over the fact that they weren’t his kids. They went to therapy for a bit and he started to improve by doing things with the kids with her and without her and things have gotten better but still not great. It put a strain on his relationship with the kids, her relationship with her husband AND kids because each of them thought she was taking sides etc. They are still together but not happy because he’s not the man he acted before they got married.

I think you need to talk to him and voice your concerns because if he is acting like this now then chances are he thinks it’s ok and will continue to do it. Also like you said you don’t want to have a baby with him and him make your ADORABLE little girl feel like an outcast.

I agree with the other bee that said maybe he’s depressed. Is he still actively looking for a job? Maybe he can volunteer somewhere to keep busy until he gets a job so he gets out of the house and doesn’t play video games all day.

p.s. your daughter is adorable!

*Also we are date twins!*Laughing

Post # 16
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Your daughter is adorable!  (But you knew that.)

Agree with the other bees that some counselling is in order.  Your Fiance doesn’t sound like a bad person, but he seemd to be seriously ill-equipped for the challenges of being a parent.  As someone else said, you guys are a package deal, and he can’t decide to conveniently freeze out your daughter when it’s convenient for him or expect that she’ll magically bend to his expectations (some of which sound pretty unrealistic).  She’s a little girl with needs that are just as important as his own, if not moreso, and he needs to understand that before moving forward, I think.

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