(Closed) really need help Bridesmaid HELL

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Its really hard to give you advice when you jump from her telling you that she already has plans (a legitimate excuse) to “needless to say, it turned into a heated debate.”

How? Why? What did you say? What did she say? There just isn’t a whole lot of information here.

From what you’ve written though, it does seem like you are overreacting. If she hasn’t been to town in 2 years and you only told her 8 days ahead of time that you would need her for the bachelorette party on Thursday rather than Friday, I wouldn’t be surprised that she already has other plans.

Post # 4
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I’m of the “you get one day” camp.  I sincerely hope the stars align and all four of my girls can make it to ALL of the Wedding Festivities, but honestly, I don’t expect it.  If one or all of them can’t make it to something, it’s understandable… this is not the most important day of THEIR lives… I think you need to take a step back and realize that no one thinks your wedding is as important as you do. 

Post # 5
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

This is coming from the perspective of someone who also lives out-of-state from the rest of her family/old friends and only gets to see them once in a blue moon due to work and money….

I think it was totally legitimate that she had other plans already and didn’t want to cancel them to go to the bachelorette.  I do understand wanting her there, but please try to put yourself in her shoes as well.  She is using this opportunity to see those that SHE loves as well, and that is okay.  It doesn’t sound like she started out wanting to drop out of your wedding…she just wanted you to understand that she had other plans already.

When we go back to our home state for visits, our time there is packed before we even land.  Everyone wants to feel like they get to spend some quality time with you and not feel like they are being ignored.  It is hard to see everyone who wants to visit with you, so don’t take it personally when she said she already had plans.

 

Post # 7
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Why can’t her friend that she knows from home come to the bachelorette stuff?  That seems like an easy fix.  Is something else going on?

Post # 8
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

:/  Or maybe I feel that way just because I never got to have a bachelorette party/bridal shower due to living out of state.  Our time at home was extremely crammed when we flew home for the wedding.  Either way, I don’t think you want to ruin a long friendship over this.  She didn’t say you weren’t important to her…was this even a trip that she would have saved money to make in the first place if it weren’t just so she could be in your wedding?  If this puts here at waiting a few more years again until the next trip home, I can see why her schedule was already booked, I guess.

Post # 9
Member
674 posts
Busy bee

I’m a bit with @Roe on this in that there seems to be a jump from “I’m busy” to “heated argument.” Did she get nasty with you over the request for no reason?

If you just got pissed because she can’t jump through the hoops you changed at the last minute, then I think you’re being unreasonable. You said you tried to apologize, but you have to understand that what you’ve done may be past a line for her. She already had plans, yet you jump all over her and kick her out of your wedding for missing a side party for a night you didn’t ask her to keep free until she already had other plans. You say that travel is a financial burden for her, so you’re happy she can visit people during the trip she’s taking for your wedding. If I suddenly had a friend demanding I give up my other plans during such a trip – plans for an event that’s not even vital to the actual wedding – then I’d probably want to take some time to re-evaluate things, too.

Obviously, you know her and no one here does. Is it possible that just like you blew up at her and kick her out of the wedding, she needs the time to calm down so she doesn’t say something she will regret, too? She may not feel she has anything to apologize for since she opened the door for you to kick her out if skipping your party was a deal breaker for you, and you took it. While I realize you apologized, it’s still got to hurt. I think it’s a positive thing that she offered to attend your wedding as a guest (at least that’s what I assume since you said her offer also included skipping the rehearsal), so she clearly doesn’t want to write off things completely.

Unless there’s a big part of the picture missing, it sounds like you do need to give her time and don’t view it as you having to “put up with this.” If she isn’t in your bridal party, your wedding can still go on. Your party can still go on. Your rehearsal will still be fine. If she in your bridal party, I’d make an extra effort to thank her for it.

Post # 12
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Or maybe just say, “Okay, I get that you made plans, but can you stop by later?  It’s really important to me that you be there!” Honestly I would be upset but really, what are you going to be doing?  Having some appletinis and wearing penis necklaces?  Unless you planned a dinner or to go to a show that starts a certain time, she can totally catch up with you later.  I’d try to talk to her asap to eliminate any bad feelings, though.  

Post # 13
Member
11355 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@Jessoverall:  First, breathe.  Try to take some time to calm down and step away from the situation.  You are in an extremely high-stress period of time right before your wedding, and emotions are running high.

Both of you are upset and have not responded in the best way to each other. It sounds as if both of you initially overreacted, but it also sounds as if both of you are slowly reconsidering your reactions to each other.

If bridesmaid M’s finances are very tight and she has been unable to even visit her hometown, family, and friends for two years and is making this trip because of your wedding, it’s only natural that she would also want to try to squeeze in as much visiting as possible with other people during the time she is there.  The fact that the day of your rehearsal/RD and the day of your wedding will belong to you should be sufficient. I do not think it is right for you to insist that she suddenly drop plans she has already made just to attend a bachelorette party that was scheduled at the last minute. If she had known for months, perhaps she could have adjusted her plans accordingly to attend.

I would call her back and tell her that her friendship means a great deal to you and that you cannot imagine getting married without her standing with you. I would tell her that you were wrong for the way you reacted and that you hope she was not serious in wanting to drop out of the wedding.  I would say that you have calmed down and have thought about this from her perspective and that you understand that she needs some time with her other friends while she is in town. You could let her know that if her evening ends earlier than she expects (or begins later) that you’d welcome her presence in just dropping by your bachelorette for a few minutes if that works for her, but that, if it does not, you totally do understand and that you are looking forward to seeing her at the rehearsal.

Post # 14
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Jessoverall:  Sorry, I can’t see how she’s at fault here.

For one thing, you don’t really get to decide the legitmacy of her plans. So she’s having dinner. So what? Does she have to be going to a concert thats paid for or visiting someone in the hospital for it to be a good excuse? She already had plans–thats enough of an excuse. And its last minute for her, so I would understand both why she doesn’t want to cancel or cut the evening short. I really think you should have given her leeway on this.

Post # 15
Member
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think that it was rash for her to tell you to kick her out, but it was even crappier that you went for it. You said yourself that she is using this trip to catch up with her hometown – that doesn’t mean that you get to monopolize her time. Take some time to calm down, then apologize and see if she is still open to being a part of your wedding. There’s no way I can fathom kicking someone out of my wedding party oher last minute plans.

Post # 16
Member
1512 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t see how this got so out of hand. She’s not required to go to your bachelorette party. The only thing she “had” to do was show up for your wedding. Manis and pedis are not required, a shower for you isn’t required, and any other thing you can think of…it’s all just extras. If she wants to spend some time with people she hasn’t seen in two years, that’s totally understandable. I think you blew things way out of proportion.

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