Post # 1
So forgive what typos grace this post- I’m just typing away in need of urgent advice
I have two BMs and a maid of honor- These girls are the backbone in my life- My Maid/Matron of Honor is my sister and we are peachy as pie my first Bridesmaid or Best Man is K and she has been a friend of mine since high school and my second Bridesmaid or Best Man is M who I’ve known since second grade- Over a year has passed That I have been engaged and asked my girls to be a part of the big event- with 10 days until my wedding to go now i’ve hit Bridesmaid or Best Man hell-
Bridesmaid or Best Man M also lives out of state as do I and is tight in her funds and hasnt been able to visit her family for two years now so the event of my wedding was a perfect reason for her to spend some extra time with her family and friends- well my wedding is on a Sat- we are having a late rehersal dinner the night before on Fri beginning at 7pm- I didnt want to have my bachelorette party the same night because- lets face it- the next day is my big day and this girl wants some rest, i know my Rehearsal Dinner is going to last until at least 10
so we decided to switch the Bparty to thursday night- its nothing fancy- just a few hours to get out pedis done and hang out together for a while that thursday evening—
while telling this to Bridesmaid or Best Man M she informs me she already has plans and that her high school friend made “reservations” for them to have dinner that night—-?!
I asked if she would be too busy then to make it and she said Yes she would be too busy and had other plans..
needless to say this turned into a heated debait with her saying “just give me the word sister and im out totally”- so, running on heated emotion I told her she was out— then i came to and realized I didnt want to give up our life long friendship due to a little argument- i appologized for jumping so quickly and she never did- she hasn’t appologized and begain trying to rationalize what she did and said “she will come to the wedding but wont attend the party or Rdinner- I DONT THINK SO-
even with all of this i tried to talk her down and tell her that the reson i was heated in the beginning was due to how badly i wanted her there- I asked her if she wanted to be a part of my day and she now says “i dont know and will call me tomorrow”
DO I PUT UP WITH THIS? DO I LET HER IN THE WEDDING? WHAT DO I DO?? PLEASE HELP!!!
Post # 3
Its really hard to give you advice when you jump from her telling you that she already has plans (a legitimate excuse) to “needless to say, it turned into a heated debate.”
How? Why? What did you say? What did she say? There just isn’t a whole lot of information here.
From what you’ve written though, it does seem like you are overreacting. If she hasn’t been to town in 2 years and you only told her 8 days ahead of time that you would need her for the bachelorette party on Thursday rather than Friday, I wouldn’t be surprised that she already has other plans.
Post # 4
I’m of the “you get one day” camp. I sincerely hope the stars align and all four of my girls can make it to ALL of the Wedding Festivities, but honestly, I don’t expect it. If one or all of them can’t make it to something, it’s understandable… this is not the most important day of THEIR lives… I think you need to take a step back and realize that no one thinks your wedding is as important as you do.
Post # 5
This is coming from the perspective of someone who also lives out-of-state from the rest of her family/old friends and only gets to see them once in a blue moon due to work and money….
I think it was totally legitimate that she had other plans already and didn’t want to cancel them to go to the bachelorette. I do understand wanting her there, but please try to put yourself in her shoes as well. She is using this opportunity to see those that SHE loves as well, and that is okay. It doesn’t sound like she started out wanting to drop out of your wedding…she just wanted you to understand that she had other plans already.
When we go back to our home state for visits, our time there is packed before we even land. Everyone wants to feel like they get to spend some quality time with you and not feel like they are being ignored. It is hard to see everyone who wants to visit with you, so don’t take it personally when she said she already had plans.
Post # 6
even when her plans consist of going out to eat with someone? For some reason I dont feeel like thats very legit- what was said was Thursday we were planning on the Bparty and she then told me she couldnt make it due to making plans with her friend- from there I asked if she could try to open up just two hours in order to make it and she said she could not- I feel like its her responsibility to be there- given her “reservations” she made she also made “reservations” with me over a year ago to be a part of this. I know she wants time with her family and I did designate to her that she would need to have a few hours thursday late evening, friday late evening and Sat- I didnt plan her length of time to stay in town I only told her what she needed to be apart of, I feel like she should make a better effort…
Post # 7
Why can’t her friend that she knows from home come to the bachelorette stuff? That seems like an easy fix. Is something else going on?
Post # 8
:/ Or maybe I feel that way just because I never got to have a bachelorette party/bridal shower due to living out of state. Our time at home was extremely crammed when we flew home for the wedding. Either way, I don’t think you want to ruin a long friendship over this. She didn’t say you weren’t important to her…was this even a trip that she would have saved money to make in the first place if it weren’t just so she could be in your wedding? If this puts here at waiting a few more years again until the next trip home, I can see why her schedule was already booked, I guess.
Post # 9
I’m a bit with @Roe on this in that there seems to be a jump from “I’m busy” to “heated argument.” Did she get nasty with you over the request for no reason?
If you just got pissed because she can’t jump through the hoops you changed at the last minute, then I think you’re being unreasonable. You said you tried to apologize, but you have to understand that what you’ve done may be past a line for her. She already had plans, yet you jump all over her and kick her out of your wedding for missing a side party for a night you didn’t ask her to keep free until she already had other plans. You say that travel is a financial burden for her, so you’re happy she can visit people during the trip she’s taking for your wedding. If I suddenly had a friend demanding I give up my other plans during such a trip – plans for an event that’s not even vital to the actual wedding – then I’d probably want to take some time to re-evaluate things, too.
Obviously, you know her and no one here does. Is it possible that just like you blew up at her and kick her out of the wedding, she needs the time to calm down so she doesn’t say something she will regret, too? She may not feel she has anything to apologize for since she opened the door for you to kick her out if skipping your party was a deal breaker for you, and you took it. While I realize you apologized, it’s still got to hurt. I think it’s a positive thing that she offered to attend your wedding as a guest (at least that’s what I assume since you said her offer also included skipping the rehearsal), so she clearly doesn’t want to write off things completely.
Unless there’s a big part of the picture missing, it sounds like you do need to give her time and don’t view it as you having to “put up with this.” If she isn’t in your bridal party, your wedding can still go on. Your party can still go on. Your rehearsal will still be fine. If she in your bridal party, I’d make an extra effort to thank her for it.
Post # 10
her friend is a guy- and I would rather it be just the bridal party and close friends
Post # 11
@csteen85: <— what she said!
Post # 12
Or maybe just say, “Okay, I get that you made plans, but can you stop by later? It’s really important to me that you be there!” Honestly I would be upset but really, what are you going to be doing? Having some appletinis and wearing penis necklaces? Unless you planned a dinner or to go to a show that starts a certain time, she can totally catch up with you later. I’d try to talk to her asap to eliminate any bad feelings, though.
Post # 13
@Jessoverall: First, breathe. Try to take some time to calm down and step away from the situation. You are in an extremely high-stress period of time right before your wedding, and emotions are running high.
Both of you are upset and have not responded in the best way to each other. It sounds as if both of you initially overreacted, but it also sounds as if both of you are slowly reconsidering your reactions to each other.
If bridesmaid M’s finances are very tight and she has been unable to even visit her hometown, family, and friends for two years and is making this trip because of your wedding, it’s only natural that she would also want to try to squeeze in as much visiting as possible with other people during the time she is there. The fact that the day of your rehearsal/RD and the day of your wedding will belong to you should be sufficient. I do not think it is right for you to insist that she suddenly drop plans she has already made just to attend a bachelorette party that was scheduled at the last minute. If she had known for months, perhaps she could have adjusted her plans accordingly to attend.
I would call her back and tell her that her friendship means a great deal to you and that you cannot imagine getting married without her standing with you. I would tell her that you were wrong for the way you reacted and that you hope she was not serious in wanting to drop out of the wedding. I would say that you have calmed down and have thought about this from her perspective and that you understand that she needs some time with her other friends while she is in town. You could let her know that if her evening ends earlier than she expects (or begins later) that you’d welcome her presence in just dropping by your bachelorette for a few minutes if that works for her, but that, if it does not, you totally do understand and that you are looking forward to seeing her at the rehearsal.
Post # 14
@Jessoverall: Sorry, I can’t see how she’s at fault here.
For one thing, you don’t really get to decide the legitmacy of her plans. So she’s having dinner. So what? Does she have to be going to a concert thats paid for or visiting someone in the hospital for it to be a good excuse? She already had plans–thats enough of an excuse. And its last minute for her, so I would understand both why she doesn’t want to cancel or cut the evening short. I really think you should have given her leeway on this.
Post # 15
I think that it was rash for her to tell you to kick her out, but it was even crappier that you went for it. You said yourself that she is using this trip to catch up with her hometown – that doesn’t mean that you get to monopolize her time. Take some time to calm down, then apologize and see if she is still open to being a part of your wedding. There’s no way I can fathom kicking someone out of my wedding party oher last minute plans.
Post # 16
I don’t see how this got so out of hand. She’s not required to go to your bachelorette party. The only thing she “had” to do was show up for your wedding. Manis and pedis are not required, a shower for you isn’t required, and any other thing you can think of…it’s all just extras. If she wants to spend some time with people she hasn’t seen in two years, that’s totally understandable. I think you blew things way out of proportion.