Post # 1
my wedding was a few months ago, and I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with some guilt and confusion I feel with my Maid/Matron of Honor…..
She dropped out 3 weeks before the wedding because she found out her dad was really ill. He lived out of state, and passed away a couple months following the wedding. I felt awful for her and was so shocked. My dad is also not well- he has ALS- and the irony of the situation was just so sad. I feel guilty for wishing she could’ve still been in the wedding somehow….and I’m afraid with my own stress of the wedding and my dad, I wasn’t there for her in a way that she would’ve wanted or I could have been. I told her I love her and anything she needed to let me know, but I felt like at times I was being too pushy with trying to be there for her, and then at other times gave her too much space as a result?
Post # 2
Anyways, after the wedding was over I found out I upset her in a couple ways. One, she was upset that I’d told several of my friends that I was sad she couldn’t be in the wedding because her dad was ill. This was before the wedding. She thought that should’ve been private. And two, she was upset that at the beginning of the ceremony, my husband and I asked the minister to briefly state that ” our thoughts and love were with the Maid/Matron of Honor, who couldn’t be with us today due to a medical emergency with her father.” I thought this was a nice way of honoring the work she’d done as Maid/Matron of Honor before she had to drop out, and also briefly state why she wasn’t there without giving too much information. But she didn’t like it, and I feel really badly. I didn’t want to replace her as Maid/Matron of Honor and kept her in the wedding program. It was just one bridesmaid in the party and the bridesmaid knew I wanted to keep the Maid/Matron of Honor in the program. My Maid/Matron of Honor did too, and was ok with that.
I just don’t want to lose her as a friend…..was I really in the wrong, and did I make some unforgivable mistakes?
Post # 3
Hug. I’m sure she understands
Post # 4
I wrote the before the second part was posted. Have lunch with her and talk through it. Your heart was in the right place, I’m sure you can work through it
Post # 5
Lh6: You made no unforgiveable mistakes. As a matter of fact, I don’t think you made any mistakes.
Would she have preferred that her absence wasn’t missed? We should never feel sad for our feelings. Our feelings are what they are.
Post # 6
Neither of these things are major by any means. Please don’t beat yourself up. People are very touchy when they are going through stressful times and it sounds like your friend really wanted to keep this private. I think you should ask her out for coffee and apologize to her there, and be sure to say that you love her dearly and are sorry for upsetting her during this stressful time. Don’t dwell on it, though. Turn the coffee date into a happy catching-up talk and leave on a good note, and be consistent with texting her or calling her afterwards for a while. Continue to reach out to her.
Post # 7
I mean, the entire wedding guest list probably didn’t need to know that her father was ill. That was going overboard. But there’s nothing you can do to fix that now except apologize and be there for her regarding her loss.
Post # 8
Not unforgiveable at all, but you probably want to apologize for hurting for her. I don’t think this was a right or wrong thing. I can tell that you really meant to honor her and you feel awful about it now that you realize it was very private for her. If you’ve apologized and she’s still struggling with it, give her time. She is probably still grieving, and it sounds like your wedding may bring up thoughts of that difficult time for her.
Post # 9
Thanks for the replies. I wish I’d taken into account more that she was a private person. I guess thats why i’m being really hard on myself- because I knew she was upset i’d talked to my friends. So making a wedding announcement was probably really stupid in hindsight. I just wanted her to be “part of it” and also let the guests know, without specifics, why the Maid/Matron of Honor wasnt there. I thought a brief mention by the minister would be a nice touch, and I would’ve appreciated it. But she’s not me, and I should have remembered that. Sigh.
Post # 10
Lh6: It seems natural that you’d tell friends and family you were disappointed she could’t make it. Unless you made a big deal of it or were complaining, I think she should understand this part.
But the announcement was out of line in my opinion. If you’ve apologized for it, I’m not sure what more you can do. Hopefully other people seeing this post will take a lesson from it though: don’t make other people’s problems about you. It was nobody’s business why she wasn’t there. You didn’t owe the guests an explanation, especially one that involved sharing her private grief. You saw it as honoring her, but I can see why she would be upset about it — I would be too. But it sounds like you’re truly sorry so hopefully she’ll accept that.
Post # 11
Why dont you just call her and explain exactly like you did here? Sometimes when people are grieving, they are slow to forgive, but it would be a good way to get thimsg started.
Post # 12
You did nothing unforgivable and I am sorry that she feels hurt. If you have already apologized and explained your pov then all you can do is wait for her to come around.
Post # 13
i understand why you did what you did and you had no idea how she would react… hindsight is always 20/20! what you wrote above is heartfelt and sincere – tell her just what you said to us (if you haven’t already). After the loss of a parent emotions can run high for a while. If she doesn’t (or didn’t) come around when you explained yourself… give it time, she will.
Post # 14
You sound like a sweet friend. I would have done the same bc otherwise you would have been asked by multiple people why she wasn’t there. That would have led to more of a spotlight on whar was going on.
Post # 15
- Wedding: June 2016 - Boettcher Mansion
Coming from the opposite side (sort of), I lost my dad to an unexpected illness and my friends were all really unsure of how to be there for me. Just be clear that you did those things because that was the only way that you could think of to be there for her in that time of need. I am also a very private person, so my friends danced on pins and needles around me because they just honestly weren’t sure what to do! My closest friend would just spend time with me and was there when I needed to vent or cry, so I would say not to dwell on it or really treat her any differently than you would normally, because she just wants life to feel normal again! If she wants to talk about her dad or how she’s feeling, she will bring it up to you. Anyway, just let her know that was her best way to try to be there for her, but that you didn’t mean to hurt her through it, you just care about her. She’ll understand. 🙂