Post # 32
@ABeeC123: What bothers me about your situation the most is that he puts everyone else in his life ahead of you. He treats his mother and his friends as priorities. But he’s treating you like a doormat who’s supposed to support him and cater to his every financial need. Ugh! You deserve much more respect than to be treated like his personal cash cow.
One thing that comes to mind is you teach people how to treat you. Stop letting this grown man take advantage of your generosity.
Post # 33
This doesn’t sound like a healthy foundation that’s needed for a lasting marriage.
Either he makes some major changes, or you suck it up and accept that this is who he is and deal.
If one of those two things doesn’t happen, then your wasting your time.
If you’re young, please don’t waste your pretty years on this foolishness.
Post # 34
@ABeeC123: I think your fiance is probably a great man, but he has gotten too comfortable with you being the sugar mama.
You always manage to pay for things so he doesn’t worry about it. It is really sad you are paying for and planning a wedding you don’t even want. Perhaps its time to sit down (maybe with a 3rd party) and discuss finances. Money is the number 1 thing people fight about. You will need to address this before getting married. He needs to understand how much you are drowning and feeling unappreciated WITHOUT turning it into a pity party about himself. Hopefully the 3rd party will be able to give you both some insight whether it is a counsilor or a friend/family member.
He needs to grow up and start being responsible, you are not his mom and shouldnt have to pay for everything while he spends his money on whatever he wants.
Post # 35
@ABeeC123: My husband isn’t that great with money (he’s a spender), so I take care of all the finances and it works for us (he works, I don’t). While I think you both need to be on the same page, that doesn’t neccessarily mean you both have to have the same money management habits.
Post # 36
I’m glad you’re going to do some serious thinking about this relationship. How we he respond if you said, “Well, I certainly wouldn’t want you to feel I was giving you an ultimatum. Let’s just skip the honeymoon then”? Would he be fine with skipping it, or would he be angry that YOU weren’t willing to pay for it?
Post # 37
@ABeeC123: it’s a red flag for me if you are already feeling resentment towards him regarding money matters.
why is he not paying the monthly bills if he is now again employed? can you not just hand him half of the bills and tell him to pay them off?
i really think that the two of you need to resolve this issue before it gets out of hand and before the wedding.
Post # 38
An update. So, I tried talking to him and suggested counselling. He told me that he is who he is and that he will never change. I tried to explain that I was not trying to change him but hoped that it would help us resolve these serious situations (after all, I’m sure there were things about me that made him unhappy). He asked if I would support him and his family once we get married (I think his Mom wants to retire and he wants to use his salary to support her and his Dad while I continued to pay the bills for a while). He kept saying that he loves his family and I kept having to give him examples of how I love his family too. Finally, when I started crying again, he held my hand, told me he loved me deeply and then broke up with me. I was stunned.
He wanted to send me a letter to explain his reasons for the break-up. I told him not too. He asked me if I would do anything differently in the future so I told him that I would never date a mooch. A few days later, I got an email with no subject or text, simply a spreadsheet breaking down our finances and everything I’ve paid into the relationship thus far – from rent to the furniture (we used to keep the big bills in a portfolio in case we needed them in the future for warranties, etc) to the wedding expenses. He didn’t include all the weekly groceries bills because I don’t think he had those receipts. He has taken a line of credit and will be paying me back half the cost of everything (before taxes). He will also be paying me back the full cost of the furniture so that I don’t have to be responsible for moving it all out. I am glad for this and am willing to end this amicably so that I can move on with my life easily. I am going through separation anxiety but I accept all the emotions because I know that I am healing. I’m looking forward to being single again and not being so burdened.
Thanks for listening and for the sound advice Bees!
Post # 39
- Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle
Eeks sounds like he treats you like your his mother. He’s a drain on your and not pulling his weight at all! I had an ex like that and all that happened was that my resentment built up until we had a falling out and that was the end of it. I would do some serious thinking.
Post # 40
@ABeeC123: I am so sorry you go going through this now. My heart hurts for you. But at the same time I am glad it happened before marriage and not after. He was definitely taking you for granted. Someone once told me “treat people accordingly”. Like you, I used to be too nice to people who didn’t deserve it. It was draining and unfair. With time I have shifted my generousity to those who are there for me and value me. It is empowering and eye opening. I wish you comfort in knowing that moving forward will set you free. And as cliche as this is, time will heal. I was previously engaged and also broke up after 6 years. I thought I would never love again, 3 weeks ago I married the love of my life. You will love again, in time.
Post # 41
Feel better, I really can’t believe he chose to end it than work it out with you…
You deserve better.
Post # 42
@ABeeC123: Sounds like this all worked out like it should have! Im happy for you that you didnt marry that turd. Once you heal up and are ready to date again you will for sure have a clearer picture of who you need thanks to this experience.
Post # 43
- Wedding: November 2019 - Canada
@ABeeC123: I’m so sorry you weren’t able to resolve your differences, this man completely took your for granted. You’re a very smart, brave woman, and you know you’ll have a bit of sadness and then get to a place where you are happy again. I hope your heart heals quickly so you can get on with the happiness you deserve! best of luck!
Post # 44
This is how it works:
1. One person is paying for everything, the other person supports the family “in-kind”-through housework, cooking, event planning, whatever.
2. Both people bring in money, work is split up equally.
Typically it works out that women do the “in-kind” work and men earn paycheck. He needs to step up, either earning money or doing work at home.
A big cause of divorce is money issues and being married means you are LEGALLY tied to him, even if he plunges your family into debt, wastes money, and freely uses what you earn.
EDIT: Saw your update, I’m sorry. I think it sounds like you both wanted out on some level. Maybe he plans on supporting his parents for a while. Good. They did’t get to take any of your income before this ended!
If you were planning on kids, it would not have worked out well. You would have done everything.
It is probably going to be really sucky/painful for a while, but you’ll survive.
And as for that spreadsheet…don’t congratulate him too much until he pays you back!
Post # 45
Wow you dodged a bullet! I felt the pain and heaviness lift as I read your last post. I think you will be much better off and I think deep down you know that too. I wish you the best for the future!
Post # 46
This guy clearly has no regard for you or the wedding and its obvious you are not his first/main priority. He is showing you signs of whats to come in the future if you get married to him. A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage……..Deal breaker shut it down!!!