(Closed) really sad.

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4654 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I am so sorry you are going through this. I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to be too harsh, but I don’t want to put a positive spin on something that shouldn’t be there.

After 5 years I hope he would know where he wanted to go with your relationship. Now that the truth is out there, you have to decide what you want to do – wait for him to be sure and always wonder if he is 100% with you or if he’s thinking of backing out? spend more time on him when he’s clearly said that he couldn’t even get the ring because he was unsure about you two?

I think his side has been made very clear, and maybe he doesn’t want to be the one to break it off, but his actions speak loudly and maybe he wants you to walk away. by doing what he did and saying what he did, it’s kinda leading you to that conclusion…

But I know a lot has been invested into your relationship and it’s hard to just walk away. It’s a tough decision but you know deep down what is right for you. Even if it hurts a lot.

Post # 5
Member
6355 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t know what he’s going through, but I suggest you give him some space.

Explain to him that the way he’s been acting hurts you, so you should both give each other a little breathing room to really think about what you each want. Not in an angry way, not in a dramatic way, just stated simply and with kindness for him and most of all for yourself (self-respect).

This is not a breakup, this is not a break, this is just a little pause from spending too much time together to help you both (though it seems, mainly him) realize what you really want – a future together or apart. If you two have really been getting along as well as you say, this will help him realize that he’s indeed having “cold feet,” and by allowing his “cold feet” to get the better of him, he may drive the most important woman in his life away. Basically, if he’s got cold feet, it won’t take him long to man up immediately.

You don’t want him taking you for granted, nor do you want him to do this again at the alter or after you’re already married! Divorce is not a pleasant experience.

He has a task before him….to get his head on straight and commit fully in his heart. To know he truly feels that way, not that he was badgered into it. You can’t do it for him, and you should give him the space because he really, really needs to do this himself.

Post # 6
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

i definately dont think you should just walk away,,,,,,pffff thats no good advice.but i also dont think you should settle,or wait around forever.he needs to know that if you separate,you may not be “available” to take him back.you arent just some rent a girl he can get back with when he wants.hes got to figure out if its the marrige hes wigged out by,or you…if hes bored,its because as a couple you let it get boring,and as a couple it can be worked on,i have 2 kids 3 and 4 yr old,that take alot of attention,and i sure know how easy it is to get lost in the work,sleep eat grind,but you have got to take time to do things toether,new things,….excitement can come fom the smallest things,from cooking something new together to playing video games together to rock climbing ….its just about keeping things interesting…and ive sure read alot of cosmo magazine, and from my reading,and expirience ive gathered omen definately relate more to emotional activies like bonding and ime sharing,verses thats only half for men,youve got to keep the passion in the bedroom two,and again sometimes it takes effort,sound silly but i dont work anymore and pretty much the first 5 years of our relationsip i did,and i was tired,and i didnt feel like going all out in bed i was like half asleep.lol but now that im not tired all the time anymore its made a huge difference,ive noticed big time.its like we just started dating everytime…lol and that helps with your overall attitude with eachother really does

Post # 7
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think at this point it may be beneficial for both of you to take some time apart and think about your relationship.  Unfortunately a relationship really cannot work out if only one partner is 100% committed/in love.  He needs to figure if he really loves you and wants to marry you, and let you know, so that you can move on with your life. You should take some time to think about if you really want to be with someone who is uncertain about sharing their life with you, and how you are going to move on if he decides he just doesn’t love you.  It may seem harsh, and I in no way am trying to worry or offend you, but it really seems like he just isn’t as committed and in love with you as you are with him.  From your post, I get the impression that he knows how he feels, but he is holding on for fear of regretting his choice or hurting you. 

Post # 8
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

just tell him you want to take a step back,not to worry about the engagement for now,you want to work more on figuring out where you are as a couple.take it slow.me and my now Fiance have been together 6 years and for the first 5 i always brought up marrige,and this year i stopped….and guess what he proposed two days before christmas.it has to bea decision he makes with his whole heart,it cant be ONLY to make you happy.has to make him happy too.e has to figure out what being engaged means to him,what you mean to him…..remind him

Post # 10
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@ joya aspera   good advice

Post # 12
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Sorry girlie, but when it comes to marriage, you’re either in or you’re out. If you have to think long and hard about it, you’re out. I’ve seen this happen over and over again with my friends. Usually when they reach this point it takes them a year or two to break up, long after everyone ELSE knows it’s over. Seriously. I know this is difficult and painful, but people show you through their actions who they are, and he is showing you that he does not want to marry you. So believe him. And try to do it more quickly than my friends because their breakup experiences were absolutely harrowing. Good luck.

Post # 13
Member
8444 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@distracts:  +1, Sorry to say it OP, but you deserve to be with someone that wants to marry you.  You should never have to convince a man to propose.  *HUGS*

Post # 15
Member
5170 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

I do think this is his way of “phasing out” of the relationship. He is not ready to break it off because I am sure he cares about you and may, due to your own reactions, feel guilt for hurting you but I do think he knows already he does not see a future with you. He just does not want to be the bad guy here. And he isn’t if his feelings have changed but he is being unfair to you to lead you on. He may also want to keep you around until be feels confident enough to be on his own again or meets someone else (sorry, but I have seen it happen).

His statements about being bored and the like are, I imagine, attempts to describe something that are best summed up as “he is just not into it”. Sure, life can get routine if we let it but there is an issue if you are not sure you love your partner and need to “think about it”. There is always more to learn about each other as long as you are both always growing and learning, but once someone has lost that curiousity in the other it is hard to shift back.

I do think that it is best you two take some time apart. If you really are both on board you can consider counseling. But my honest opinion from not only having seen this scenario but having been in a similar place is that he has checked out and right now you are both prolonging the pain and the inevitable.

YOU know you love him, right? YOU do not need to figure out if you love him. YOU do not need to figure out if you want to be with him. So don’t you think something is amiss here? Do you not feel there is something rather wrong about feeling you need to convince him he does love and does want to marry you? 

Please do not sit around waiting for him to decide what he wants. This is not healthy. It is not healthy to walk around on eggshells and hope that he will just love you again and it will all go back to “normal”.

Post # 16
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

he doesn’t love you or else he wouldn’t be doing this to you. you deserve better. stop being his doormat and walk away. If you guys stay together you are only delaying the inevitable break up.

Post # 17
Member
4575 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@cryingbee:  Oh hun iam sorry about this, but i have to tell you something quite harsh, if he says he doesn’t love you as much or the passion is not there or he is not sure, you are better off walking away and find someone that feels as passionate about you as you of them…i actually went through something similar.  I was with my High school sweet heart for about 6 years, we didn’t live together, but we used to talk about what our future wedding would look like and how many children we would have and things like that and one day i just didn’t want it anymore…not those things, but those things with him…i hurt him, i know i did, but i couldn’t settle if the passion wasnt there…i wanted more than just planning things i wanted passion everyday and just so you know it is possible to have it and it is possible not to be bored of the person you are with .  I felt so bad for living him and it hurt me too b/c he was also my best friend but i love myself more, so i made the decision to break up with him and i have to tell you i don’t regret it at all, my Darling Husband is everything i wanted and more and we have been living together for two years now, one year before we got married, and i don’t get bore of him at all…i get excited to see him everyday and i wouldn’t change what i have now for the world….your boyfriend might feel like there is more he wants but cant tell you because maybe he doesn’t want to hurt you, sometimes this are things we cannot control as humans…wish you the best and head up girly, things to happen for a reason.

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