(Closed) really sad.

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 18
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Why would you hang on to this? What if you did get married and he does this to you five years down the line? What do you do then? Lose everything, start again? No. 

He doesn’t need to see you confident in yourself. He should love you regardless. Stop waiting around. He’s not going to come. And if he does, it wont be genuine. 

Post # 19
Member
6261 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

If he wanted to marry you he should know by now. You might be in a rut, but he has to know that his expectations have to adjust for not having the “new” relationship feeling. You should be trying to keep things interesting but the effort has to come from both sides. Maybe you two just need to start doing new things together (if you do want to save the relationship). Is there somewhere new you can go, something new you can learn to do together to keep it interesting?

Post # 21
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee

having been through something similar, i just want you to know that you are not alone and that it is completely normal to be confused about what to do in this situation – there are no easy answers. don’t let anyone beat you up about what you do, think or feel. what matters now is you and only you – keep those who support you around and ignore the rest.

i feel terribly that you are going through this and i know it hurts so so badly. big hugs and if you need someone to chat with – just to listen, not to judge…there are so many of us here, myself included.

xo

Post # 22
Member
1561 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Honestly, the minute a man told me he wasn’t sure if he loved me, or he didn’t love me anymore, that would be it.  Difficulties and boredom arise in a lot of relationships; sometimes you can’t stand each other, sometimes you may not know if it’s going to work out forever. But you always know when you love someone.

Post # 23
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t need to be begged and talked in to marrying you. Why would you want to be with someone like that when you could be with someone who WANTS to marry you?    Maybe if you walk away, he’ll realize he took you for granted, but my feeling from what you wrote here is that he just doesn’t have the balls to break up with you. Sorry. 🙁 

 

Post # 26
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2011

View original reply
@cryingbee:  

      “we will go for a trip together in 2 weeks. Two days ago we just came back from camping, it was great, he was very happy too and he said he is reconnecting with me and he felt a bit of love“.

         Just wanted to say that love is not something that comes and goes nor something that can be given one day and then just be taken away later. Love is not something that you can feel intensely one time and then stop feeling it later. Maybe is something else what your boyfriend is feeling for you; you can call it a crush or whatever but not love, ’cause nobody can feel “a bit of love”. Love is given ALL or none at all. Maybe he is confusing the term “love” with something else he feels (or used to feel at the beginning of your relationship).

Post # 27
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@cryingbee:  You can still love someone and not want to marry them.  You can still love someone and be the wrong person for them.  I think a lot of us have been through this experience before (myself included) and that is why we are trying to give you the advice we wish we had taken: If he has to think this much about whether he loves you and wants to marry you, then he is not the right person for you. 

If he turns around in a month or two and says he is ok with getting married to you, are you going to feel safe and secure in that relationship?  Will you be positive he won’t get cold feet the day of the wedding?  That he is passionately in love with you and will be by your side through thick and thin, sickness and health?  I hope what I’ve said does not come across as too harsh, but you deserve much much better than this!

Post # 28
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
@cryingbee:  

I am still confused, my best friend said she can tell he loves me. I also believe he still loves me. We are trying to work it out ourselves. We will go for a trip in 2 weeks, hope it will be good.

If it does not go well will you be able to escape easily? I know that you still want to be with him and near him, but the ultimate torture is to be stuck somewhere with someone who is unpredictable.  When I left my SO the last time I was far away from home, I just threw caution to the wind and bought the next flight out. I’m not saying it is going to go badly but just make sure you have a really good escape route.  It also might help not to go into this with too many expectations.

I know that rationally many people would say he doesn’t love you any more, just break up. But I really can’t walk away. May be I am doing a stupid thing. 

Please be gentle with yourself and please please do not self-judge nor should you let anyone else call you names or make you feel bad for how you feel. This is a process, take it as it goes, follow your gut.  Do what you need to take care of yourself. Things are not black and white for either you or your fiance – have faith that you will be okay and what is meant to be will be revealed in time.

But he told me “I love you. I’m just not sure how much I love you.”So I guess I am still trying and helping him to understand his feelings to me.

As much as you might want to, you are not the one who can help him now – believe me I’ve been there and it only hurts you to put yourself in a place where you are giving your all only to be evaluated by him.  Something is happening inside of him and there’s nothing you can do to fix or change it really.  Breathe and hang in there, try to live to the fullest without letting his uncertainty hold you down.

I know this is hard and there are no right answers, trust yourself and you will do what is right for you – even if that means making a “bad” or “wrong” choice – those are just judgments – in the end life is for learning and growing and trust that whatever you do is okay.

Best wishes xo

Post # 29
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

View original reply
@cryingbee:  do what is right for you. If you aren’t ready to walk away and think its just him starting to figure it out then wait. If he can’t figure it out well then there is your answer. At least he is being honest and truthful about his feelings and trying to talk with you. He is trying. I may get flamed for this but I have to say it, he may just be speaking “man speak”. Being a man, he may be misspeaking or saying one thing and meaning another. I don’t think it is he is bored in the relationship as he is concerned about “the spark”. Men and women sometimes use different words meaning different things to each. As long as he is willing to stay and work and put forth the effort of vamping up the relationship I see no need to leave. 

My Fiance and I had a rocky start, breaking up three times the first year (Different i know but its all i can compaire to) If I would have listened to friends/family about walking away when I knew staying was right I would have missed out on my future and forever. Listen to your heart, no one else can tell you what is right. 

Post # 30
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Personally, I think it sounds like he does not have the guts to break off the relationship. Marriage is an in or out proposition. Monogramy is an in or out proposition – you can’t do it halfheartedly because real life isn’t a fairytale. If he changed his mind next week would you ever feel secure? I don’t think I would…

I am sorry if this is too blunt. I feel awful for you. I have been there – I was with a guy for four years, I gave everything I had and he took everything I offered, and it just wasn’t enough. He constantly manipulated me and dangled engagement and future in front of me but when it came to actually comitting he could never do it. I gave so much that I stopped being the person he fell in love with in the first place because I was bitter and frustrated that it was going nowhere while I lost myself. He became cruel because he felt obligated to be with me or was angry that I couldn’t just be happy with the snippets of love he deigned to give me. Then we went through a a trauma where he let me down and at the end of the day his lack of committment was at the centre of it. Six months after, we broke up in a hideous, painful way where I made mistakes and dragged our dirty laundry out for everyone to see (I still cringe) because I wanted him to suffer as much as I had. Basically, I was a mess by the time the end came. I wish I had seen the signs and ended it with dignity a year or more earlier. 

You deserve to be loved. You don’t deserve to be talking about yourself like you are stupid. I’d take a break and not force it. If he comes back, make him prove himself, and if he doesn’t then you thank heavens that you didn’t force a marriage with someone who was never going to be a partner with you.

I thought my life was over when I finally left my ex. After five months I healed and I met my now-fiance. My ex is engaged to the woman who played a significant role in our breakup finally happening and I am just relieved it isn’t me marrying him. Not in a nasty way, he just wasn’t right for me and he brought out the very worst in me. My fiance brings out the very best in me. You want someone who brings out the best in you and who wakes up every day thanking his lucky stars that you’re his best friend for life. It’s the best feeling in the world and it is worth waiting for. Feel free to PM if you need to vent x

Post # 31
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2011

View original reply
@cryingbee:

          Just one more thing: I would really like to apologize to you if my previous comment was too direct or even kind of rude. Many of the bees here (including me) will say to you what we think in a very “cold” direct way because, comfortably for us, there’s no need for us to weigh up our opinions -since we already built our opinions through our own personal experience-; that’s why it’s so easy for any of us to talk. But you, on the other end, are the one who has to deal with this hard experience you’re going through and, even if there’s no “right way” or “wrong way” to go through it, what I can say for sure -as some other bees have posted here- is that you will never fail if you just follow your gut wherever it takes you to (even if that implies that sometimes your own decisions might hurt you). Just don’t fight your gut and you will see that, in the long run, you will have gained a lot more and lost nothing.

Post # 32
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Would he be willing to go to counselling? Maybe on his own at first then as a couple?

 

im so sorry, I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now. Be strong x 

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