Really trying not to take it personal…

posted 7 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
4496 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Don’t sweat it. Online dating is a numbers game- you have to go on tons of dates with a LOT of people and don’t get down if things don’t go anywhere. For all you know he could still be hung up on an ex, going through something, anything really and it could and most likely has NOTHING to do with you. Chin up! GL.

 

Post # 3
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

Is it possible he was mild-to-moderately interested, but got scared off when you said “I KNOW YOU’RE NOT INTO ME” in an email? Because ouch. That’s … an aggressive tactic. 

lifeisbeeutiful is absolutely right: online dating is a numbers game. I counted them up once and I think I went on 80-100 first dates over 18 months before I started seeing my SO? And probably 15-20 since? Don’t internalize one bad experience, or a handful of bad experiences. Bitterness isn’t a good look on anyone. Every date is a learning experience, whether it’s about finding a new restaurant you would not have known about otherwise or learning what you don’t want in a future partner. Be kind to yourself and just keep trying.

Post # 4
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Yeah, I wouldn’t have been that accusatory and if Darling Husband had offered to pay me for tickets I would have said that was not necessary,  that I’d just take someone else.  

Post # 5
Member
1672 posts
Bumble bee

I am pretty wishy washy about nearly all men I’ve been on one date with, but will usually acquiesce to a second if he initiates. If I have to cancel and I get a response like that, I would bail. 

 

Post # 7
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

Cancelling plans on the day of? Not ideal, and I totally get why you were frustrated. I’m sorry you had that experience. But for all you know, something legit did come up. It’s a complex time of year. He already warned you in advance that he’s not great at texting, confirmed plans multiple times, seemed really into you on the first date, felt “the spark,” talked about longer term plans. IDK. In my experience, guys don’t usually do a lot of pity dates, they just never follow up. Maybe he really wasn’t into you and you spared yourself some awkwardness – I wasn’t there and I’m not in his head. I’m just warning you that the “clearly you’re not into me” thing will alienate 100% of people you bring it up with like that. It sounds like the kind of thing someone says out of pain/bitterness/insecurity, which doesn’t draw in partners.

Post # 8
Member
1435 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

I would have acted relieved and said I was just about to tell him I I could no longer  go, either, and  said it all worked out well.then I never would have talked to him again.

Post # 9
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020

Yeah online dating is hard.  There were plenty of people that I went out with that I really wanted to go out with again but it just didn’t happen.  I had to take breaks from online dating because it was pretty draining, and finally I just tried not to take anything too seriously when I would meet someone new.  It was super hard to temper my excitement, but honestly it helped to protect my heart a bit to do that.  Online dating is definitely a numbers game too.  Just keep doing it and take breaks when you need to.

Post # 11
Member
8999 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Shmacaaa :  How many times did you text him between the inital text on Monday and the can’t make it text?

Post # 12
Member
580 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

Shmacaaa :  even if he was “mild to moderately” interested, why the f would you want that? That’s like eating food that’s almost cold or taking a luke warm shower.

So he was attractive on the outside. You went on one date. Whoopdie do. You really gotta assess your self worth girl. He’s not for you. He wasted your time. There’s nothing worse than having your time wasted so he’s obviously not as awesome as you apparently think he is. Just let it go.

Post # 13
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Sometimes you can get a guy who’s not that interested in you to continue seeing you, as long as you’re laid back enough about being blown off for better plans and you make dating you inexpensive and requiring minimal effort on his part. Your prize at the end of all that is getting more emotionally (and financially) invested in a guy who really doesn’t care one way or the other about you but will hang with you when nothing better is going on. I think torching the bridge in that case is totally called for, and it might help you move on. Sure, it hurts to feel rejected (believe me, I KNOW), but now you can focus your energy elsewhere.

Post # 14
Member
10415 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Shmacaaa :  

Oh, honey.  I am sorry this happened.

Let’s break it down.

You had an excellent warning, right out of the gate. We don’t even have to address the fact that he chose Tinder as a dating app, many people find that sketch. I have no idea.

 

Women have “gotten mad” at him in the past for being a “poor texter”.

Translation:  Set your expectations low, I am not reliable.

 

I want to be present in the moment. I’m not glued to my phone.

Translation: (Unless he is genuinely on a spiritual path, but, that does not prohibit texting) I’m not a planner. Don’t count on me.

 

He tried to give you a heads up early on that he was not bf material, irrespective of his opening nonsense about wanting something more (sex).

Unfortunately, Bee, you completely missed the cues. And you were quickly under the ether, pinning a lot of your hopes on this guy.

He performed exactly as he warned you he would. But, you refused to accept that and went on to make yourself feel worse.

I will indulge in gender stereotyping and give you advice from another era. Someone will be unhappy about it. Ok by me.

You hurt yourself by pursuing the guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, a woman has an unassailable right to text a man if she wants to. Fair enough. What she can’t do is control his interpretation of of it. Lots of guys still think like guys, whether we like it or not. That means they are more likely to prefer the role of purser, at least in the beginning.

In your case, I don’t think it affected your outcome. But, you did make yourself feel worse. Unless the guy is really insecure, he will contact you.  Maybe not on your ideal timetable, that’s ok. Relationships that start out with a lot of intensity and speed are too often with very bad people.

Absolutely, do not take any of this personally.  You won’t survive dating very long if you allow you sense of self to be dependent on other people’s perceived opinions of you, particularly the ones who don’t even know you.

Online dating is all about arithmetic.  The more people you talk to, the greater the odds of meeting someone you might want to get to know. Don’t get stuck on one early on. Keep seeing other people, even if it feels lukewarm.  You may be surprised once you actually meet and talk. Or, you may make a new friend. That’s always a good outcome.

 

Post # 15
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

It does get better I promise! If you want a little something to help you self- assess how you could date better read the book, have him at hello. It’s on amazon. I found it really helpful when I was dating. Made me very confident and aware of things I could be doing to create a negative first impression. 

Just keep getting out there, and let the guys chase you. At the end of each date If you want to see them again you say, wow I had a fantastic time would love to do it again. Then drop it. If the guy never asks you on another date you let it go. Do not contact them first after each date. It’s the best way to gauge their interest. 

 

Shmacaaa :  

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